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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be able to date

20 replies

denpark · 01/10/2023 16:40

I'm so fed up.

My ex cheated on me repeatedly, gaslit me and made my life pretty miserable. He was covertly nasty and acted/still acts like the perfect gentleman in front of others whilst whispering nasty things into my ear the second people weren't in earshot.

I have effectively brought the children up with minimal input from him and have had practically no help during school holidays.

He has moved out into his new girlfriends house and all promises for having the children are fading away. He's constantly just not there for them.

Now I love my children and thoroughly enjoy their company but how the hell can i get the opportunity to start again when I'm with them pretty much all the time with no breaks. Can't afford babysitters as he's financially not contributing a penny. (Long story)
I'm an older mum so if I wait to start dating until my kids are older then I'll be heading towards 55.

Anyone in this kind of situation ever made it work?

OP posts:

Antst · 01/10/2023 17:01

I don't understand. How is he not contributing anything and not taking on any responsibility for looking after them? You drop them off at his house when it's his turn to have them and let him figure things out.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 01/10/2023 17:13

I understand.

When the father of your kids has done so little for them, the idea of just 'dropping them off' is unimaginable. The kids need to know someone has their back, and if mum just dumps them on a man who probably barely remembers to feed them, let alone anything else, then how are they going to feel?

My kids would feel that I had abandoned them too. It's not fair on them.

TBH, I'm just resigned to probably not meeting anyone until they're old enough to not need a babysitter - unless someone falls into my lap - since the only child-free time I have, I'm working (apart from one day a fortnight, but it's not reliable)

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 17:18

Not just you. I’ve been single for 7 years since my ex left and he doesn’t pay a penny in maintenance or see the kids so I can’t afford babysittters I was told if I can’t afford babysitters then I can’t afford to date 🤣 also if I dare mention wanting to meet someone because I’ve been celibate for 7 years I get told to “concentrate on my children” unfortunately us women whose exes aren’t involved are expected to say celibate until the children grow up and leave home!

Original poster

denpark · 01/10/2023 21:36

Antst · 01/10/2023 17:01

What a ridiculous comment

OP posts:

Original poster

denpark · 01/10/2023 21:39

Thank you everyone who understands. It's ridiculous and rubbish, isn't it.
It gets me SO angry that he gets to swan off into his new life that he created from cheating and has utterly fucked over my life. He's financially screwed up everything through being a dick and doesn't step up for any responsibilities for the children financially at all.

OP posts:

audweb · 01/10/2023 21:40

Yep me, I just am resigned to its life. Maybe when she’s older. The ex doesn’t pay, and only has her when I organise a night or something way in advance. So it’s not really conducive to dating I tend to use it for actually seeing friends etc. frustrating sometimes? But then what choice do I have? My kids well being comes first, so that’s what it is.

JMSA · 01/10/2023 21:40

Antst · 01/10/2023 17:01

Aaaand, back to the real world ...

JMSA · 01/10/2023 21:41

And it is fucking rage-inducing, OP. I totally hear ya

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2023 21:41

This happened to me too. Older mum, child with SN. I've been single for a decade and have realised that is how it is for me. I've accepted it and I'm happy on my own but I do feel so angry that I wasted the best years of my life on a cheating arsehole when I might have found somebody lovely. He has also swanned off and doesn't see our son. They are evil bastards. No advice but I hear you

Antst · 01/10/2023 21:43

denpark · 01/10/2023 21:36

What a ridiculous comment

Show quote history

Wait, what? If you are not expecting him to be responsible for his own children, if you are managing and doing their care, then he is going to continue doing nothing. He is clearly not going to magically become a better person, so the ball is in your court.

This is their father. Unless there's a legal situation you haven't mentioned, there is absolutely no reason why you can't drop them off under a court-arranged custody agreement into his care. If you truly think that's "ridiculous," then you have made a rod for your own back, both by having children with someone so incapable and by refusing to relinquish any control now.

YOU are the only person who can dig yourself out of the hole you've dug for yourself here.

JMSA · 01/10/2023 21:45

But Anst, she can't MAKE him step up.

JMSA · 01/10/2023 21:47

The world is fucking full of deadbeat dads, and it tends NOT to be the woman's fault

audweb · 01/10/2023 21:47

That’s unfair. I would never just drop my child off at the house of someone who wasn’t expecting or planning to have them. What are you supposed to do? Just leave them at the door in the hope they take their kids in?

it might surprise you but children value feeling safe and cared for you. My ex will occasionally have our kid but his house and life is not set up for it. I would love it to be but it’s his responsibility to do that, not for me to just drop my kid off and hope for the best.

so exhausted that the parents that stay get the blame for the parent going not being responsible.

cadburyegg · 01/10/2023 21:53

You are quite frankly wrong. For one thing, there is no such thing as "custody" in the UK anymore.

A RP can go through CMS to make sure that the NRP steps up financially (as long as employed) but there is no way to make the NRP step up and look after their own children if they don't want to. You can organise a child arrangement order, but only if the NRP wants regular contact. No court will order children to go and stay with an unwilling NRP because that isn't in the child's best interests.

Shopper727 · 02/10/2023 07:46

Why is it up to op to force this man to take his kids, surely you’d expect him to want to see them, to make arrangements I mean these are real life human beings you’re not just going to drop them off without knowing they are wanted and will be cared for if only it was as simple as that. Some men just don’t want to be dads it’s like the novelty wears off when the next shiny new thing/person comes along.

Whereas we are left paying, bringing up our kids without help/money or support. But OF COURSE it’s our fault/we should make it work out by forcing a man who doesn’t want his kids to take his kids it’s all on us. Not the man who is a useless waste of oxygen. Pisses me right off tbh!!! It’s exhausting working, doing everything in the house and the financial side of being a single parent but we need to be responsible for a useless persons behaviour and actions too? No sorry if a father wants to see and care for his children that comes from him, he discusses when is best for you both, he pays his fair share and he contributes as he should that’s all on him. The only thing I need to do is make sure the kids are ready for him or drop them off as agreed. Infuriating that some people can’t take responsibility and defend these useless men

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 02/10/2023 09:38

He is clearly not going to magically become a better person, so the ball is in your court.

Exactly? He's not going to magically become someone who wants to look after his kids, so in what way is it good for the kids to be dumped on him?

This is their father. Unless there's a legal situation you haven't mentioned, there is absolutely no reason why you can't drop them off under a court-arranged custody agreement into his care.

The court-arrangement is for 'access' not for care - there is nothing incumbent upon the non-resident parent to take it up.

If I refuse to allow my kids to go to their father, then I am in breach. If he doesn't turn up to get them, that's fine and dandy with the court.

If you truly think that's "ridiculous," then you have made a rod for your own back, both by having children with someone so incapable and by refusing to relinquish any control now.

She is taking control, by caring for her kids, and was hoping that there was a way she could care for herself too. It's not that she's 'refusing to reliquish control' - it's that she has nothing within her control there, unless she's prepared to just drop her kids off at her ex's doorstep and hope he opens the door. Meanwhile the poor kids feel like no-one wants them!

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 02/10/2023 10:27

I remember telling ex, before he was ex, and in the context of a jokey conversation about us splitting (something that was unimaginable at the time), that I would be going for 50/50 care..

But the fact of the matter is, when it actually happens, there's nothing you can do to force a man to step up and parent (or perhaps he would have done when you were together, which may even have solved the issue before he became an ex!), and there's no-way you can force the unwilling kids into the unwilling care of their father.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/10/2023 11:46

@Antst You haven't got a clue what you're talking about here. I had a court ordered contact order. Ex just disappeared off the face of the Earth, never to be seen again. Where would you like me to leave our son so that I can have a life?

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/10/2023 11:48

Oh and to add, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about this. If he wanted contact and I withheld it, I'd be the villain. If he has the opportunity to have contact and doesn't take it, that's absolutely fine according to the court. You can surely see what the problem is with this.

Original poster

denpark · 02/10/2023 13:08

JMSA · 01/10/2023 21:45

But Anst, she can't MAKE him step up.

This!
How would it be for the children? Knowing that he's been forced into having them? How is that right for them?

OP posts:

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