Hi all.
My partner, Jake, has got real issues when it comes to his ex partner, Jessie. Jessie and Jake have 2 children together and Jessie has a child from a previous relationship that Jake has been the stepfather to for the last 6 years.
Jake and Jessie initially split up at the end of 2021, and Jake pursued me. We were together for around 6 months but he never told Jessie about this (I never met the kids so nothing was done sneakily behind her back in that sense). I had a few health complications last year that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy that I discovered once myself and Jake had split up. I told Jake of my pregnancy but he had decided he was going back to Jessie to try and make things work for his family. He threw lots of verbal abuse my way, and explicitly told me if I kept my child he could not support me or it. When he said this I accepted what he said at face value and from that point removed him from my life altogether. I kept my baby which was the bestest decision I have ever made. Come Jan of this year Jake withheld his number and called me (as he was blocked on my phone), I had thought it was my GP calling as it happened to be on the day of my babies 8 week jabs. When I answered I was shocked to hear it was Jake, and he explained to me he shouldn’t have ever of gone back to Jessie, how he went back for the wrong reasons and how he just wanted to see his kids every day etc. I believed this and agreed to meet with him. He was then told I had kept my baby and since then he has been in their life too, whilst resuming his relationship with me. Jessie found out about our child instantly and she absolutely lost it - something I have accepted is now very much between him and her, despite Jake trying to tell me it is just as much my fault as to why she lost it - I am aware now I was not the one that left her to be with somebody else.
Anyway fast forward a couple of months and me and Jessie finally spoke. I had not spoken to her before this as she had said a lot about me and my baby being a dirty little secret, reinforcing to me Jake never wanted my child but wanted the ones he had with her, and she constantly told me to leave Jake alone, despite him being the one that came after me and wanted to be with me. When we spoke we had realised that Jake had spun quite a few details to make himself look not as bad. For instance, he told Jessie that he had only slept with me twice and I had gotten pregnant from that. (The reality of that is that we had been sleeping together daily for 6 months). He had also not told her about the issues I had medically that led up to the pregnancy - that of which I have proof of.
It had come to light he had been sleeping with us both since it had come out, and the other one of us was convinced not to talk to eachother until we decided enough was enough. Once confronted Jake broke down and told me she had been manipulating him with seeing his kids, and the only reason he had slept with her is that she had forced him to when he was in her home, threatening if he didn’t she would scream to wake the children up. I didn’t buy this for months, and kept Jake at arms length, just allowing contact time with our child. I eventually listened to his side of it and decided to give it one more go - it may be extremely foolish of me, at this point I am unsure.
So we have tried for the last 2 1/2 months to see if we can work this out. He sees his other children and step child 3-5 days a week. And he sees our child the other 2-4 days a week. He has said Jessie has stopped him from introducing his older children to our baby together, so his time has to be constantly split leading 2 separate lives. He has said to me he and Jessie have agreed to allow the kids to be introduced in Jan of next year. By this point my child will be approaching 15 months old, when she was just around 2 months when this all started happening. I highly doubt the kids will ever meet me or my baby, and have made this clear to Jake due to the amount of time it has already been. He has refused to tell Jessie me and him are together at this point as he is worried she’ll stop him from seeing his kids.
Sorry I am rambling! My point I am getting to is that Jake does drop seeing our baby in order to see the other children and to keep Jessie happy. For instance this week he saw the older children on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. He is meant to have Tuesday evenings and Thursday evenings with our baby, but he now won’t be seeing her for a total of 7 days as he decided to see the older children on her Thursday - something he is sadly not bothered by as he has explained to me the older kids know when he is there vs when he is not. My nearly one year old does not have that awareness yet.
He has also told me he struggles not being with his kids every day which I totally understand. But he overlooks our baby massively because of this. He is going away next year with his older children, and he hasn’t thought to book for me or our baby as he says Jessie will kick off if we are there. He has said that it all goes well in Jan he will add us to the booking. But he will not book to go away with me and our baby as the thought of him not taking his older kids makes him feel sick.
I fear he is only in my baby’s life as it is the socially correct thing in his mind to do. Not because he wants to be any more than he did the day I told him I was pregnant.
Fast forward to this week, my birthday is coming up this month and he has been saying for the last month he was going to tell Jessie he is unable to pick up his kids on that one day (for whatever reason he was going to give her so we are able to celebrate my birthday with our baby). However he forgot and now she has booked in for him to spend the day with his stepchild. He doesn’t recall agreeing to do that with Jessie but she has gone mental at him saying he doesn’t spend any time with his stepchild anymore - even though he does. And has called him out on excluding her .
Jake has since asked me to change my plans the day before my birthday that I already have made so he can see me on that day instead. I have said I cannot change these and he had told me to keep my birthday clear to spend with him.
He will not tell Jessie that he cannot make the day she’s arranged with the stepchild as it is my birthday as in his mind she will go mental about that - as she doesn’t know we are together!
please can someone tell me if I’m being unfair? Thanks xx