To wonder what is the matter with people

[truecolour]

I’m getting married and we’ve recently sent out our invites. Certain ILs are not happy with the arrangements. There has been gossip behind our back about it.

It would be less offensive if they showed an interest, asked DH if he’d organised his stag do or found a suit or where we are going on our honeymoon. Not interested in that at all, but very opinionated on everything to do with our wedding day down to petty stuff like who is on the invite list, the venue, the catering, the theme.

It is surely very entitled to think they should have any say in our plans - given they have made no attempts to have any sort of relationship with either of us. DH is historically always the one to contact them, effort is not reciprocated and they can’t even say happy birthday.

DM says that’s standard unfortunately for people to show their true colours at big life events / milestones. But why? It just doesn’t compute.

Why do you care what they think?

It doesn't seem as if you like them very much, or have any real relationship with them. I get that you probably feel obligated to invite them to the wedding, but I wouldn't give them any more headspace.

Why have you invited them if they have no relationship with you?

True. I just more find it weird and can’t stop thinking about why anyone would be so bothered enough to gossip about the plans of a relative they barely have anything to do with

I wouldn’t care enough to gossip about it, if it were me!

Obligation I guess

If they're indulging in unpleasant gossip behind your back rescind their invitations.

We’d be the problem, if we did this.

Well if they don't have any relationship with you why should they be there if they don't like the arrangements? Why would you be "the problem" and who with?

People gossip. I think anyone who says they never do, is probably lying.
My advice is to treat them as you would any other acquaintance that you've had to invite - distance yourself from the emotion of it. They either come or they don't, you've fulfilled your obligations by inviting them and whether they attend or not is no skin off your nose either way. Tell them as little as possible - it's hard to criticise what they don't know anything about. And refuse to enter into any negotiations about what you do or don't do. You and dp make the decisions and inform them of how it's going to be - no asking or accommodating requests (unless they are things you are happy to do).
It's easier that way if you just create emotional distance and have no expectations that they will behave like a normal involved family.

Just ignore it

TBH I wouldn’t expect even involved in laws to have much interest in stag dos and honeymoon suits as they aren’t things that involve them

It’s presumably easier to invite them than not, but minimise contact other than that

I am impressed you have a wedding theme…

People gossip. I think anyone who says they never do, is probably lying.

Exactly. There was a post just this morning airily proclaiming that no one ever pays the slightest attention to anything anyone else does ever because people are concerned with themselves.

In reality, human beings are very gossipy by nature, it's just evolutionary biology and comes from us being tribal.

What is Mumsnet, if not people gossiping about total strangers?

OP, you can either disinvite them and accept that it'll make you the target of nasty gossip, or invite them and accept that it'll make you a target of gossip.

There's nothing you can do to stop bored, bitchy people from gossiping.

Thank you that’s really good advice

I would give them something to gossip about and tell them they are not invited! You do not need that drama or stress in your life you really don;t.