Is it me?

[Naughtybutnice76]

Feel like I'm going mad!
I'm just seeking some perspective on a situation as I feel like I'm going mad. To be brief, I lost my sister to suicide in June 2022 and since then I feel like every mood I have is being scrutinised by family. I feel like I can't just be in a bad mood without being asked if I'm OK, that I seem to have changed, that i seem distant or in another world. I see and feel others moods but just see them as that so why is everyone pointing mine out to me?
Today my Mum was angry with me about something but later apologised but then continued to say are you OK you seem different? I feel like it was passed back to me being the cause of why she was upset with me when this was definitely something she overreacted to. I am so very aware that my mum will be hurting and grieving and I try and be as supportive as I can but i feel like the focus is always negatively on me.
Are my moods really that severe, am I not seeing myself as others see me? I know I have changed, how could I not it's the worst thing that has ever and will ever happen to me but to me I just have my off days like everyone else. I work long hours and have a very busy life and since I lost my sister life has been full on, a new grandson (4th one), my daughter's wedding and a big holiday to Florida (brought forward from lockdown). I just feel like I haven't had time to really process any of what's happened over the last year and half and am getting by the best I can, just like everyone else is.
I am not looking for sympathy just honest perspectives as it's really making me doubt my own perspective of myself.

I think there are two things here. Your mum will be so scared of losing you she will be hyper sensitive to your moods. You may well also be moody- rightly so as you've had a shit time! Hopefully as time goes on your mum will realise you are here to stay!

Honestly it sounds to me like extreme grief and maybe feelings of guilt from your mother. Does she blame herself for “missing the warning signs” before your sister’s suicide and is now panicking every time you don’t have a smile plastered on your face? No parent expects to lose their child, has she had counselling?

You’ve had a lot going on as well as the loss of your sister. It’s OK to take time to process all of this. You don’t have to be the life and soul of the party 100% of the time. Do you work? Some companies provide employee access to helplines, maybe you could call one for a chat and a fresh perspective on how you could help both of you come to terms with the loss of your sister. I’d look into grief counselling for both of you. It’s OK to not be OK some days and it can be hard to slow down do try to make a little “me time “ where you can.

I’m so sorry for your loss @Naughtybutnice76