AIBU to think that my son should not be too close with another boy?

[cl2746719]

I have got a situation and I honestly don't know how to handle it.

DD is 6 years old and he has a best friend. They are really close and I am happy to see that they build such a beautiful friendship at this young age. My son is very happy when he plays with this boy.

Until recently, I start to think that they might be too close and I worry that they are so close that they limit their circle to just 2 of them. In school they do everything together, after school or during holiday, they still want to stick with each other.

I tried to set up play dates with other kids but my son just did't like it.

There is another other thing that I don't really quite sure about this boy, that is he is quite dominating. One day when I picked up my boy he told me that he was really hungry. I asked him why and he said he did not finish his lunch because that boy could not finish his and told DD not to finish it as well. I was a bit upset and worried. DD told me that boy always asks him to copy what he does and what he eats and if DD does not follow, he will not play with DD. Fearing losing a friend, DD just follow what that boy told him to do. DD even gives up something that he wants to do or eat just because that boy told him to.

I have tried to explain to DD that it is not what true friendship is like, true friends should share and will not threaten you if you don't follow what he said. But it seems that DD just don't want to lose he best friend.

I don't know what to do with this delicate situation. I have told DD many times that it is ok to have many different friends at the same time. But DD said that boy will not be happy if he plays with other kids.

What should I do?

I'd have a quiet word with his teacher.

Tell him that he should decide whether his friend really his friend

I have told him many times. But in his little world this friend is everything. That's why I starts to worry.

I would have a chat with the teacher too.

Does your DS do any activities outside of school that don’t involve this child? That might be a good place to start building your son’s confidence completely separate to the other boy, especially as there there will hopefully be other children in his year at activities too.

Generally working on his self esteem and boundaries is probably a good idea too.

Do you mean DS? DD is dear daughter.

Ah, sorry I mean DS. I don't know why I had DD in my mind.

Yes he does, that's what I am thinking too. Recently he keeps asking me to cancel those activities. He said he doesn't want to do those activities anymore. I am not sure if there is anything to do with the fact that that boy is not there. I think working on his self esteem is a good idea. I would definitely do something about that.

Don't cancel them. Encourage a wide friend circle.

It will change as he gets older.

Continue having conversations about healthy friendships etc and keep having play dates with other kids.

Keep inviting other kids around for play dates. It doesn't matter if your child is annoyed. To play with a range of kids is healthy.

I think you are right to intervene. Having an exclusive best friend is fairly normal at his age but the dominating behaviour is concerning. Continue with the other playdates and activities, and when you spot him enjoying something / some other friendship double down on it.

Did either of the boys go away on holiday this summer? I'm wondering what your DS was like when he physically cannot see this boy.

I don't know how big your school is, but I think I'd be tempted to see if they could be separated into different classes. Or if not that (yet) hopefully their teacher will encourage lots of pairings with other children to split them up a bit.

Wrt to out of school activities, perhaps you could give him the option to swap to a different activity, but be firm that he must do something.

Do you work at all? Wondering if you can change your work pattern a bit and maybe have him go to a childminder or afterschool club where he's kind of forced to be with other kids.

I remember feeling really lucky I had close friends with kids the same age in a different town, so we used to hook up together a lot. It was really good to develop friendships completely outside of school.

Thank you for all the very helpful recommendations.

The school actually has a policy to split up the children if they believe that it would benefit them. Apparently the teachers believe that the 2 of them together compliment each other. Well, to some extend it is, but I don't think the teachers see the dominating behaviour.

We were both away during the holiday so we did not meet during the holiday! My boy was fine with it actually, he did ask about his friend but he was totally fine. But once school begins, he starts to get really close with his friend again. I feel like this friend is his safe harbour at school, although he is happy in school generally.

I had a chat with the teacher in the beginning of the term, mentioning about them being very close and hopefully he will play with other children as well. The teacher just said he will get better when he gets older. I think I will have a word with the teacher again, hopefully the teacher will encourage them in different groups during group activities.