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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bad and I should re-think the relationship?

44 replies

HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:03

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year now. We live about an hour away from each other.

I was really really unwell yesterday, I think I had the stomach bug that my daughter had the week before. I couldn’t move and had to stay in the same spot for hours because every time I moved around the cramps were horrendous. I had to crawl to let the dog out to the toilet and to feed him.

My girlfriend knew I was unwell but said that she couldn’t come and help me, my daughter or the dog because she had already paid £10 towards a night out with some of the girls from work.

I know for a fact she was out with the girls from work because I’ve seen the photos on social media, but there’s also been some fishy stuff in terms of she lied about someone not going but then the girl was in the photos so was clearly there and then she hasn’t told me where’s she’s been all of today either. I don’t believe she would cheat because she’s been cheated on before and I know that really destroyed her, but even the small white lies makes me wonder what else she is lying about? She also only checked up on me once the whole time even though she knew how unwell I was.

AIBU to re-think this relationship based off the fact that losing £10 was more important than helping me and also the white lies that I’ve caught her out on?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:36

@Nicknacky he isn’t involved at all. I imagine your expectations of someone are very low if you think choosing money over helping someone you’re meant to at least care about is okay.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 30/09/2023 19:36

I wouldn't want to come over and risk catching the stomach bug amd being laid out for a week

Zola1 · 30/09/2023 19:37

She should leave you.
Are you for real

ACCx · 30/09/2023 19:38

I don’t think it’s choosing money over you, I think she just said that as an excuse instead of saying ‘I’d rather go out as planned’ She probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings. To be completely honest I wouldn’t want to cancel plans to go and look after my poorly partner and their child and dog.

FinallyHere · 30/09/2023 19:38

Is it help when you are unwell ... or is it expecting a new girlfriend to drop existing plans to provide free childcare for you?

Hmmm, let me think about that for a minute.

Original poster
HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:38

@Hummingbird233 its not trust over a social media post, there’s been loads of small white lies recently and if she can lie about something so small what’s to stop her lying about something bigger?

Yes I do actually, something happened to her a few weeks ago and I dropped everything to help her out with it - so it’s definitely not given back from her clearly

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 30/09/2023 19:38

HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:36

@Nicknacky he isn’t involved at all. I imagine your expectations of someone are very low if you think choosing money over helping someone you’re meant to at least care about is okay.

My expectations of partners are high but I think yours are unreasonable.

She had a pre planned night out that she had paid for. You had a stomach bug and could manage and frankly, it’s not her fault that your daughters father doesn’t help.

MrsMarzetti · 30/09/2023 19:39

Why do you think she lied about a particular friend not going ? Maybe said friend had said she wasn't/ couldn't go but then changed her mind or got out of another commitment. The fact you assume she was lying says a lot about you.
Did you go and nurse your GF when she was ill ?

Dotcheck · 30/09/2023 19:39

Jesus.

Sometimes people turn up on nights out.
Maybe she doesn’t want to go look after you because she doesn’t WANT to!!!

BIWI · 30/09/2023 19:41

So you don't live together - and actually quite a way away from each other?

She was due to go out, for an evening she had already paid for, which was presumably local to her, so over an hour away from you?

And now you're stalking her?

There’s also been some fishy stuff in terms of she lied about someone not going but then the girl was in the photos so was clearly there and then she hasn’t told me where’s she’s been all of today either

Why should she tell you where she's been all day today? What right do you have to know what she's doing/where she is?

This is why I said there's a strong sense of entitlement here. If I were her, and I had read your posts here, you'd be finished with before I even finish this sentence.

Whether you're male or female.

howsaboutit · 30/09/2023 19:42

OP, you’ve asked if what your partner has done is bad and if it’s something others’ think should cause you to rethink your relationship. Almost all responses have said not. You’re then arguing with individuals saying their standards are low. My standards aren’t low, I have a wonderful husband who is a great father and and treats us all very well. I wouldn’t be angry with him or reconsider our relationship if he did what your partner has done.
If lying had become a pattern of behaviour, then yes maybe you do need to think about ending the relationship. But that isn’t what you’ve asked.

Hummingbird233 · 30/09/2023 19:43

You say something happened to her a few weeks ago.

But you also said she said she thought she had the same illness last week. I'm wondering, if she had cramps and sickness, why didn't you go round to help her with that? My guess is she managed on her own. As you did.

If I were you, I'd take a step back and try to think about this from your partner's perspective. Your responses on here are all about you and what you expect. I wonder if you find it hard to see things from other people's perspectives. Maybe doing so will help you see that she wasnt unreasonable.

It's ok to want help when you're ill, but she had plans. You could have asked someone else. Your DD and your dog are YOUR responsibilities, not hers. Take some ownership.

Hummingbird233 · 30/09/2023 19:46

You also need to work on boundaries. She absolutely doesn't need to be telling you what she was doing all day. You don't own her. She's an independent person who can do as she pleases.

If you don't work on this, the relationship (and future ones) won't work.

CharlotteRose90 · 30/09/2023 19:47

I wouldn’t go to my partners house if he was ill with a stomach bug. No wonder you’re so ill if you aren’t actually being sick, you need to let it all out and cope with your fear later on. Your girlfriends done nothing wrong she had prior commitments and frankly you sound like a jealous girlfriend to me.

BarelyCoping123 · 30/09/2023 19:52

She's your girlfriend - not your wife or live-in partner. What did you want her to do for you? I think youre being unreasonable

ProfessionalCornflake · 30/09/2023 20:01

YABU. She lives an hour away you said. So not only would she lose the £10 night out money but also have to find energy, time and money for travel costs, which could be steep for 1 hour there and back to your place, assuming she didn't want to sleep overnight in a germy house. What did you actually want her to do? Sit by your bedside watching you have stomach cramps, or entertain your kid or walk the dog? That's not fair on her at all.

The thing about the tagged girl on the night out seems like something and nothing. Maybe she wasn't going to go, but then changed her mind and turned up. So what? I'm not understanding the problems here OP. Is there a massive drip feed coming?

Goodornot · 30/09/2023 22:00

HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:33

@Nicknacky I couldn’t move off the sofa, and I have a 6 year old and a dog who she is very much involved with and has helped out with before. It would have made my life a lot easier if I had some help yesterday. She said she didn’t mind helping but didn’t want to lose £10 - so money was more important - that’s what pissed me off is the reasoning.

My sister and her 6 yo had covid in lockdown 1.

My sister was very very ill with a fever and her child not so much because it barely affected children unless already clinically vulnerable.

My DN at 6 managed to survive when mum was ill. DN managed to get drinks and fetch her mum water etc. We weren't allowed to go over there and help due to lockdown and they were fine. Nothing happened.

A 6 yo isn't handless or helpless.

You had no one else you could call? Where is your child's other parent?

Heronwatcher · 30/09/2023 22:28

No way. I also agree that I wouldn’t have been chomping at the bit to come over in those circumstances. If you were that ill could your daughter not have stayed with her other parent and/ or grandparents? Why would you want to pass on something so horrible to her? If I was the one ill I would actively be telling my partner not to come! And if you genuinely can’t open the back door and put a bit of dog food in a bowl you should have been in hospital.

topshotta · 01/10/2023 02:00

HarryPotter78 · 30/09/2023 19:38

@Hummingbird233 its not trust over a social media post, there’s been loads of small white lies recently and if she can lie about something so small what’s to stop her lying about something bigger?

Yes I do actually, something happened to her a few weeks ago and I dropped everything to help her out with it - so it’s definitely not given back from her clearly

She's clearly not right in head if lying about tiny things

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