Am I crazy or is MIL too much?

[Ceelee29]

I gave birth to my first baby who is now 10 weeks old. The first six weeks were hard due to the lack of sleep and routine, therefore husband and I asked MIL to help out one night. She kindly pulled an all nighter for us and looked after my DS - but did a few things that i and my husband were not impressed about. (Told us not to spoil the baby by holding him but then we caught her trying to fall asleep on the sofa with our baby/put a cushion on top of baby’s body in bassinet instead of blankets as she said this stops the arms flinging and him waking up as a result/was insisting that we wash him under the sink after every nappy change). Initially I was trying to be “respectful” and did not challenge her, I also enjoyed having a day of “me time” and was really grateful she helped to look after him. However, this day I did not get to hold my son at all as she hogs the baby!!! Since then, I have refused to allow her to babysit but whenever I visit MIL’s house I have my back up. Everything seems to annoy me… we were about to leave MIL’s house and MIL is still holding my son and I’m irritated waiting for her to put him in the car seat! Or I’m about to feed my son, but she makes comments as she only sees him for about 2 hours a week that she wants to feed him. If he cries in my arms, she tried to take him out of my arms.
she loves her grandson (first one) clearly and very adoring. I want my son to have that love from family members and friends etc. however, there’s also a language barrier between us so we communicate via husband translating.
he thinks I am being unreasonable and clearly have an issue with his mum vs my mum (and I also think I do too) but am I being crazy/unreasonable to be like this towards MIL? I feel like I’m being possessive lol.
the plan is for MIL to babysit once a week once I return to work but she made a comment once that I could drop my son off on Mondays and pick him up on Fridays when I go back to work which had me quite annoyed! (Again, she’s a nice calm woman and I know she’s trying to be helpful)

the plan is for MIL to babysit once a week once I return to work I don't think that's a good idea - it doesn't sound safe

Honestly I've been there and done that.
It is such early stages.

As hard as it is ... I'd advise patience with key boundaries. You are both finding the new normal.

I really tried to just take myself out the room and give uninterrupted time. Then I could say "mil thanks for minding baby. Let me give you a break to stretch your legs and make some tea. I could murder a tea. You are wonderful thanksss" and take baby.

I'd be calm but firm on all safety issues "the professionals advice X now. Please don't do Y it's known to be unsafe."

If relations are generally good try and have a bit of give and take.

Your MIL sounds like she has a lot of time on her hands. It doesn’t sound like she works and is now fully fixated on your new baby.
You need to establish some boundaries and some ground rules.
She needs to do something other with her life - maybe volunteer somewhere.

Edit: you and your DH DO need to get on the same page re safety and he needs to have the same messaging and back you up and vice versa.

It's very early days! You are probably all over the place with sleep deprivation and trying to care for baby etc.
If I were you, be grateful for the help. Of course she doesn't do things like you do. Agree with DH to impose some sensible rules ... no cushions on baby for starters! But if she wants to wash baby after a nappy change, where's the harm in that?
Pick your battles, pick the boundaries and try to enjoy the space it gives you. I am sure it will settle and you need to get your DH to step in and tell his MIL to back off when needed.

Trying to sleep with baby on the sofa is very dangerous, babies have sadly sufficated and putting a cushion on the baby’s body when asleep is also highly dangerous.
If its not too upsetting google for examples and show your dh.
Your mil must respect basic safe practices ariund your child and your dh must back you up on this. I would not feel happy, able even, leaving my child with someone who put them at risk.

Drop off on Monday and collect baby Friday….. is she nuts!!!

You are so lucky. Your relatives are helpful and loving.
Everyone does things a little differently.

Go ahead with the one day per week.
Stipulate especially some guidelines if you feel very strongly.
Thank your MIL and remember to have some time with her as well - like a nice cup of tea and asking about her week.

You could have her at your place or take the baby to her. Will you mix that up and have some of both?

Your MIL is older so will tire more quickly than she imagines.
She will be eager to have you pick up your baby at the end of a long day.

The cushion on the baby and sleeping on the sofa are no nos safety wise. I don’t want to scaremonger and hopefully she has learnt but i personally would not be happy leaving my baby in the sole care of someone who thought that was ok. Maybe speak to your health visitor and see what they suggest. I understand you want a good relationship though and she loves your DC but it doesn’t mean she gets to do exactly what she wants.

Ten days is early. With my MIL, she came to stay after our first DD was born for two weeks and is very kind and helpful but did overstep, for example by telling me I was spoiling my two day old baby by picking her up ‘too fast’ when she needed to be fed but she would hold the baby for six hours one day so I couldn’t get her into some kind of routine and I eventually had to say, DD needs to sleep in her Moses basket now. It was not easy to navigate at first but I had to set boundaries in place and though it is not worth creating arguments, you are allowed to set a healthy boundary for all concerned.

All this is great advice, most important thing is making sure baby is safe but honestly, she may well be invaluable when your baby turns into a mental toddler and you consider selling your soul for a few hours peace.

Drop the baby off and pick him up on Fridays? This is crackers.

I think your mil wants to relive her own parenting days.

If she starts with the crucial comments, then shut them down with, "Thank you but I prefer to do it this way."

You say she hogs the baby, simply take him off her! Say, "I'll take him now thanks."

Sometimes you have to be more assertive. Your the parents and it's your child and you do what you think is best. It may not coincide with what your mil thinks or wants but that is tough.

Oh and I'd be using a nursery for when you go back to work. I think you might have a boundaries issue.

She can't be that bad a carer given she raised your dh. I'd be grateful for the break and like others say, its early days

She put a cushion on top of your babies body? She would never ever look after my child. As a friend of someone who lost their baby, the immense heartache is not worth the risk.

I don’t think she sounds too bad. I know a few people who developed this resentment for their in laws once they had a baby, I don’t know what it is as it’s not something I struggled with myself but it’s not uncommon.

I’d say anything safety related needs to be addressed by your husband to help navigate the language barrier issue. But other then that I’d let her enjoy her first grandchild, I liked seeing my family with the baby and letting them feed him - it’s such early days and not everything needs to be a battle, unless it’s safety related.

The safety issues alone would make her off the list for babysitting until the child is older. I wouldn’t trust her to follow the guidelines, and nobody’s feelings are more important to me than my baby’s safety.

MIL also needs to understand that she’s not the primary caregiver. Take your baby back when you want. Say no when you want. Laugh like hell when she suggests you can have visitation with your own baby.

She has no authority over you or your baby. Quit giving her power.

She put a cushion on your dc? I would be checking dh didn't have siblings once upon a time....

You say it’s her first grandchild, so she’s learning too. I tried very hard not to be that Mil with my first grandchild, but I’m sure my DIL muttered a bit 🥰, I love them all so much though and really wanted to help 🥹.

try and gently let her know with clear instructions, “ pleas could you put baby in the car seat for me “, “he seems to be unsettled with feeds at the moment so we’ve been advised to limited feeders to just us “ when she rushes to comfort him let her try, if he wants you she will soon hand him over 😂. I worry about the pillow, my DIL uses sleep suits and no blankets I find this hard but respect that’s what you do nowadays, just do what my DIL did, explain that’s what baby has and no more, I was happy because I could go shopping and buy them 😂. Maybe she use to swaddle her babies and you don’t ?

as for the “drop him off Monday and pick up Friday “ I say that all the time, keep suggesting they could move in 😂😂😂, luckily they know I would run a mile if they did 😂😂

To be fair you asked her to help out so you can't then complain you didn't get to hold the baby at all that day!

That was the whole point - you getting a break! She did exactly what was wanted of her.

I wouldn’t allow her to babysit if she’s sleeping on a sofa with baby (hopefully wouldn’t happen during the day) or with a cushion on him. She’s clearly not clued up on safe sleeping so this needs to be communicated to her, though she may not listen

I mean putting a cushion on top of a baby would be the line in the sand for me. It's so ridiculously unsafe.