Feel like im losing my mum

[Tryingtolivelife1]

I feel really silly but seen as though I don't have the one person I usually talk to (my mum) I have nowhere else to go. I'm going through a marriagecseparation and I'm nowhere near as bothered about that as this.
Basically me and my mum had the closest relationship (I'm 32 not sure if that's relevant) anyway we were like gilmore girls. And always done everything together out at weekends, shopping lunch, phone calls every night. Since her friend came back from France as she lost her job she has practically moved in with my mum and vice versa she goes to her her house too. Her friend doesn't talk to her own kids / grandkids anymore. I'm glad my mum has her friend back. But xince she's been back they literally don't spend a second apart and that's not exaggerating I don't spend as much time with my 2 kids or husband( when we were together) as them two. They go to doctors app together stay at one another house every night. She goes to my nanas with my mum who she cares for everyday even started calling her mum too!. She's bought her a set of drawers for the guest room. I cant call mum without A) her friend answering phone B) speak to my mum in private without her friend shouting over us or them 2 having a conversation over mine and I'm just sat there like an idiot listening to them two speak. I did say something a few weeks ago and say so you're basically living together now? And my mum bit my head off saying "it's company when you're on you're own" there both single. Except when her friend gets a boyfriend she drops my mum like a bag of sh**. She's stopped calling me on the phone, she's stopped coming round/ asking to go out unless her friend can come. She looks after my son 2 days a week for me and she picks him up with her friend drops him off. This is 9am in the morning. She used to pop in for a brew after dropping him off when ive finished work but now her friend is always waitikh in the car. (I pay my mum to have my son before anyone starts) It's just really getting to me. I feel like I've lost my mum. Especially when I'm going through a separation. I know im a grown woman but this is really getting to me. I just needed to rant.

That is really sad. I really feel for you. Is your mother usually easily influenced?

@determinedtomakethiswork yes she is really naive/easily led.. she's not daft and she's very wise to me but definitely naive. I feel like her friend may be jealous of how close we are and since her kids don't want anything to do with her she's trying to make my mum be like her

I think your instincts about this friend are probably right. Can you invite your mum out just the 2 of you? Is there maybe something you used to do together that you could invite her to? Big unmumsnetty hugs, it sounds really upsetting and you must miss her. The only consolation is it sounds like the ‘friend’ might not be around too long…

You need to talk to your mum about it.

Agreed with above plan a day for the 2 of you and only the 2 of you. Is she insists on her friend coming along then I would politely suggest that you miss her company and you need your mum right now.

The friend sounds overbearing....its one thing having company its another being in each others pockets 24/7 its just not healthy. Does the friend have any other friends over here she could reconnect with?

It seems like an intense friendship.

First of all I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling pushed out at the time when you most need your Mum OP. I was VERY close to my Mum too, and would have hated to feel that she didn't have time for me, or no longer wanted my company, preferring that of a friend. The only thing I can think of, is perhaps writing her a letter, telling her how you feel, and saying that you don't want her to drop her friend for you, but you really miss having her company and spending time together like you used to do, and that while you appreciate how much her friend means to her, you really need her love and support right now, because you're feeling very alone, and you know she understands how that feels. Maybe then say that you don't dislike her friend, but sometimes you want alone time with your Mum, and you miss her coming in for a cuppa after the school run, or whatever and that perhaps she'd think about popping in on her own one day so that you can have a proper catch up. Mark it 'Private & Confidential', and begin by asking her to read it when she is alone, so that she will hopefully pay proper attention to your words. I know that if I read a letter like that I would give it my full attention, perhaps she will too? I do hope so. Sending a virtual hug.

That is sad for you. YANBU. This friend sounds like a bloody crank. I feel suffocated by her just reading that! I would jokingly tell your mum to give you a signal if she can't escape her obsessive friend! Definitely arrange something just for two people, to get your mum on her own and tell her how you feel. I hope the velcro friend finds another man soon and buggers off for you!

Thanks everyone it's really hard and I was just wondering if I was being a spoilt brat or not. I even confided in my husband we still get on really well even enough were separated I don't see the need in nastiness or bitterness for no reason. And he said it has upset him more seeing me upset over this than anything I literally burst out crying making my kids bed and he was like wow what have I done now lol but it was my mum not him. He said the same I Need to speak to her about it but she's never ever alone. And i feel like she will just hit the roof. Like last tike she bit my head off saying its company. And anytime I've tried to say let's go here let's go there she says "friends name" is here too. And it's got to the point when her friend comes in to my house I don't even say hello. Another point is which I think is unlikely but possible her friend is bi so maybe she's turned my mum and they're now lovers but even if they were you still don't have to spend every second of the day with someone. Because that's what it Is even my 12 year old daughter has commented on it. Saying it's weird. She tried to even get my mum to go away for christmas because she doesn't have any family to visit now. But my mum said no I love being with my family/ seeing grandkids open presents christmas morning. I'm not saying I don't want her to be with her friend I'm saying it would be nice to have a phone call without her friend speaking over us or them two having a conversation I'm sure she must have started putting me on loud speaker or her friend is sat really close because before my mum answers me her friend replies in background so how would she get the gist of the conversation?

@Mumstheword93 she has no one else she fell out with her kids / sister. Only speaks to her sister that lives far away. So no no one else. She has no parents so she calls my nana 'mum" now. But my mum had a really close friend that she saw weekly she doesnt see her anymore since this friend came back.

Is her birthday any time soon? Buy theatre tickets for you and her so you get an evening with just her?

I did have the same thoughts about a potential relationship it would explain alot and her defensiveness. How long has your mum known this friend?

I would sit them down face to face and let them know in person that you want to spend time with your mum.

I'm a little concerned that your mum is becoming isolated this is something to keep an eye on. Is the friend paying her own way?

I think the friend wants a relationship with your mum

@ssd maybe but my mum is not that way inclined at all. I think the making her be like her is more realistic scenario EG doesn't speak to her kids. But you never know stranger things have happened

@Zonder no her birthday was earlier in the year I took her to theatre and i had bought her Celine dion tickets but she's cancelled her tour gutted. I feel like now she would say we'll can friend come if i arranged anything else or if I just booked something I feel like she would say how come you left friend out??!! That's the vibe I'm getting. She already demanded that I invite her to my house for cmas dinner

It sounds very worrying. If the friend was a man how would you feel

@ssd tbh I wouldn't feel as bad because when you meet someone new you do want to spend a lot of time together in the beginning maybe not every second of the day but it wouldn't feel as weird. But friends don't spend everyday every minute together you can still have company and enjoy time to yourself a few days a week. But then literally don't spend a second apart. Like I said even boring stuff like taking my nana to a doc app she's goes too its weird

Sorry but thats what i meant, imagine how you'd feel if a man was never letting your mum do anything alone and never letting her see her dd in peace. I think youd find him very controlling and thats what the friend is being like, she's trying to isolate your mum from everything.
It sounds weird and controlling and unnatural. If your mum wont listen to you will she listen to anyone else?

@ssd yeah I get what you mean I wouldn't like a man controlling her same way it shouldn't be a woman / friend either. Control under any circumstances isn't right. I just mean I could overlook the spending that much time together if it was a man because you do want to spend time together if just feels weird being that way with a friend. I could speak to my nana but she tends to agree with everything I say lol she's 82. She hated this friend of mums coz she was a "tart" but even she likes her now again easily influenced she got her a wheelchair took her to the shopping centre and she had a lovely day out. So she's easily pleased. Mum has been friends with this woman for years school friends in fact lost touch then came friends again around 20 years ago. But they've never been this close even when she didn't live in France but she always had a new man. So her time was occupied. Dont get me wrong her friend is nice and she treats my kids really nice its not her that I have a problem with. It's just the recent behaviour.

I think tickets are a good way to go initially. Then if your mum asks why you didn’t get any for friend, you can just say you thought it would be nice to spend time just the 2 of you but in a light tone. At the end, reinforce how nice it was to spend time with her. Ask if she had a good time, get her to see that she enjoys time with other people without the friend around. I think keep it light, avoid getting into an argument about the friend. It does sound like a controlling relationship and you might have to be quite careful not to confront it head-on as it sounds like friend might be quite manipulative.

Is there any possibility your mum is giving this friend money?

@availablesometimes no she has her own money more than my mum