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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset step son is seeing his mum

14 replies

dominga28 · 29/09/2023 21:27

Name changed as this may be very outing.
I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable and he deserves a relationship with his mum etc but I'm still upset.

My stepson (20) has lived with us for many years. We had full custody of him when he was a child with supervised visits to his mum but she would often cancel at the last minute and let him down. Didn't see him for months at a time etc.

Partner didn't know she was pregnant when they split and didn't know about him until he was 3 or 4 when social services took him off of her due to drugs. She had drug problems during their relationship and she refused his help which is why they split in the first place. We took stepson in when we found out about him, he was very delayed at the time but he soon started developing and he started calling me mum. I never told him to but we didn't stop him either. He always understood I wasn't his real mum.

There were many times where she was doing well but then she’d go back to her old ways, then when stepson was in his teens he said he didn't want to see her anymore. He got good GCSEs and A levels and started uni. He was supposed to be in his third year but he told us he wasn't going back and he started going out and not saying where which was out of character as he is an adult but he used to say where he was going.

We found out a few days ago that he's been seeing his mum again which I am concerned about but also upset. He's started changing and had been refusing to do things and telling partner that he hates him, partner hasn't done anything to him so I assume his mum is telling him things. I see him as my own child and have raised him along with DP

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/09/2023 21:30

It’ll be hard for you, but it’s entirely natural for him to see his mum, and it’s not uncommon for him to push at boundaries while he’s trying to work through it.

You’ll get replies telling you he’s adult and to kick him out, but he’s very young and his mother’s choices in life will have had a massive impact on him.

I wouldn’t assume the anger at your partner is as simple as his Mum telling him things. It’s also quick possibly a combination of testing to see if DP will walk away and anger at the situation generally.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/09/2023 21:31

What is your upset specifically?

Worry about him or rejection? Or a combination?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2023 21:34

Of course you’re upset. You love him, you want to protect him from harm and to be safe, healthy and thriving. You must be very worried about him given his recent change in behaviour.

His mum sounds very troubled and damaged and her influence on him probably won’t do him any good.

Keep the door open to him, he knows you and his dad love him and are there for him. He’s probably understandably curious about his mum and this other side of himself. He’s probably trying to connect with her, to prove himself to her in some way.

The rejection he’s experienced from her throughout his life must have been extremely painful.

His current rejection of you must also be awful right now but he’ll come back 💐💐💐

Asterales · 29/09/2023 21:34

I can understand why it's difficult for you, but he's very young and has had a lot of change and upheaval in his life - it's completely natural for him to want to make sense of it all by seeing his mother. There's no doubt of the contribution you've made to his upbringing and I'm sure he's well aware of that and values it, but his mother can't be erased and he's not doing anything wrong by having a relationship with her. That's no reflection on you whatsoever.

CakeInAJar · 29/09/2023 21:35

God OP that must be so hard to swallow.

But, gently…YABU. It’s his mum, he went through everything from an entirely different perspective - the perspective of a vulnerable neglected little boy. He wants answers, he wants closure. And he deserves it.

Would it make you feel better to know that she will probably let him down? Sadly it usually the case with these things I find

Definitelyabluey · 29/09/2023 21:38

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You love your step son and are worried about him. Been through something not a million miles away with a family member - her adopted son reconnected with his birth family in his late teens and began to go off the rails (again there were good reasons he had been removed from their care at the time). But the reality is that it’s normal for your step son to want to know his mum (as it was with my relative’s adopted son) and it’s likely to be a confusing, difficult time for him. May be questioning why she didn’t act differently when he was growing up, struggling with feelings of rejection and wanting to believe it wasn’t her fault perhaps. Unfortunately you can’t protect him from working through all this with his mother or make it better for him - he needs to figure it out with her on his own terms and at his own pace. All you can do it keep being there for him while he makes his peace. And not take it personally as hard as that is.

x2boys · 29/09/2023 21:39

Well at 20 he has a,right to.see who he wants but it must hurt as effectively you are his mum
You hear on here all the time of grown children up who want to.reconnect with the parent who has been in and out of their lives
Im.sure he realises though who has always,been around for him.

PandaExpress · 29/09/2023 21:42

YANBU at all. It's a shitty situation for you. Hope he comes to his senses soon and comes back to you.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 22:16

Very difficult situation but you just need patience as he needs to go through this as he wants to know his birth mother and is a very confusing time for him. Just be there for him when he needs you and he is 20 so has a right to do this. He must be feeling confused and has so many questions and will also feel very sad and will want her to love him and to understand why she could not cope and he will be feeling rejected and will want her love. Just keep in contact with him and always be there for him and try to understand also that she must have had something in her past/trauma why she could not quit the drugs. You have given him love and a stable life but have you suggested to him counselling or has he ever had any so he can talk things through. Hope things improve and he finds his way back and he can continue his education or whatever.

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2023 22:21

I know someone who was in this situation. She actually moved in with her mother for about 6 months, they were 'the best of friends', then one day her mother did something which reverted to type (not sure what it was exactly) the dd turned her back and never saw the mother again until she was on her deathbed.

It's an important part of the process that young people who have dealt with abandonment have to go through. It's not easy for those around them, but all you can do is continue to be his stability and he will come back in time.

TrailingLoellia · 29/09/2023 22:24

I’d reach out to him. It’s quite possible his addict mother is taking advantage of him and manipulating him. Often I see the “cut contact until the young person comes to their senses” ending with tragedy.

JudgeJ · 29/09/2023 22:25

PandaExpress · 29/09/2023 21:42

YANBU at all. It's a shitty situation for you. Hope he comes to his senses soon and comes back to you.

Sounds like she sees him as a potential source of money now he's old enough to be working, she'll probably be drip feeding him lies about her situation. Hopefully he'll see her for what she is.

Gymnopedie · 29/09/2023 22:41

It's natural for him to want to find out about his mum. I suspect your hurt is that in doing so he is turning against you and his dad. He won't be getting anything like the truth from her.

He may well be going through a lot of different emotions right now but that doesn't give him a free pass to treat you however he likes. Don't abandon him (not that I think you would) but don't be afraid to set boundaries too.

Original poster
dominga28 · 30/09/2023 09:46

I'm upset about his behaviour and how he seems to have changed. I'm also worried in case he starts taking drugs himself as I have 2 younger children living here

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