Sons friend biting - advice please!

Dolly567 · 2023-09-29T19:45:43+00:00

Hi everyone. So to cut this short, one of my sons closest friends at school has bitten him today and left a red mark. I obviously told my son this isn't acceptable and asked what happened, they had a little fall out whilst playing. He also left upset yesterday after he hit him in the face, my son stood on his book bag by accident. I've spoken to the teacher who said she will try separate them but I don't think this is going to be enough. Any advice? I've never been in this sort of situation before.

Squirrelsonthescaffolding · 30/09/2023 09:33

It’s good you spoke to the teacher and she said she will address it. It seems a little unusual to me to be biting at school age. I hope it was a one off. I found it quite upsetting when my child was bitten at nursery so I’m not surprised you’re concerned. How old are the boys?

3dogsandarabbit · 30/09/2023 09:35

How old are they?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/09/2023 09:36

I'd want a bit more than 'trying to separate them.' Is the teacher going to speak to his parents?

InTheRainOnATrain · 30/09/2023 09:36

How old are they? I’ve never heard of biting beyond 2.

Alwaysfreeolives · 30/09/2023 09:41

One of mine went through a biting phase but it was sorted well before school age . I would expect the parents to be called in and the child to be spoken to .

itispersonal · 30/09/2023 09:42

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 30/09/2023 09:36

I'd want a bit more than 'trying to separate them.' Is the teacher going to speak to his parents?

Separating kids because of 1 or 2 incidents isn't an answer!

Separating kids in the same class also doesn't work, it's impossible. If you have a falling out it with someone at work or you are separated from each other?

If the OP ds was my son - I'd be getting my son to say to the child I don't like that! Friends are kind to each other.

As a teacher I would be watching the situation, speak asap to the parents because of the biting and wanting to know if there had been any change in circumstances. As after all behaviour is communication.

Original poster

Dolly567 · 30/09/2023 12:43

Thank you everyone for your responses
They are in year 1, both 5.
He also had bitten him last year 'playing a game'. Was told it's common in reception and he was spoken to then.
I will have another word on Monday
I'll upload a photo of both

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Original poster

Dolly567 · 30/09/2023 12:48

The worst photos are from reception and the recent one from yesterday is the bite mark pierce from yesterday on his shoulder

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Hufflemuff · 30/09/2023 12:59

I'd see how it goes now the teacher knows about this.

I disagree with talking to the parents yet because what is the other mum going to do about it when her kids at school without her? At school the school need to be the ones in charge of discipline. If he's 5 its unlikely the mum will be able to have a constructive conversation about it with her DS. He needs discipline there and then at school so the boy learns to respect teachers authority and punishments.

Id encourage your son to speak up there and then about any bites, punches or kicks etc and inform school. Id be telling him to stay away from this boy too.

lunar1 · 30/09/2023 14:34

I would ask the school in writing how they plan to keep your DS safe in future.

Original poster

Dolly567 · 30/09/2023 15:02

Thank you, that's a good idea. I asked the teacher if she's observed anything in the classroom and she said he sits behind him on the carpet and prods him so she's going to move his place. It's so tricky isn't it, I definitely need his parents to know this time as it was a result of him becoming angry.
It breaks my heart to think of my son being hurt like this.
I did say to my son don't be friends with him anymore as he's not being a kind friend and friends don't do this, I would never bite my friends etc but he became really upset and said but sometimes he's kind so how do I handle that comment/situation - the being friends with him side. Any advice welcome

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newlystyle · 30/09/2023 15:08

At our school, at age 5 there would be repercussions for the child not excuses. He is far too old for this.

Lavender14 · 30/09/2023 15:20

Is it possible the other child has additional needs that haven't been picked up on yet? They're around the age that certain behaviours are usually identified as meaning a child is struggling in that environment and it sounds like your sons friend is struggling to regulate and manage his relationships. I would keep in touch with the school and ask for their strategy for managing this and I'd ask if they're going to give the other child additional support to help him manage in the classroom. I'd tell ds that people who care about us don't hurt us at all, not even just sometimes and it's ok to avoid someone who has hurt us in order to keep ourselves safe. I'd ask if there are other kids in his class he likes and wants to know better so he can identify a few kids to play with and focus on instead. Do you have any relationship with the other child's parents?

Original poster

Dolly567 · 30/09/2023 21:13

Thank you, I'm not sure if he has any additional needs.
Previous reception teacher said 'there's a handful of neurodivergent children' when I mentioned it last year but she didn't directly link it to this child.
I don't have a close relationship to his mum but I do have her number.
It's difficult isn't it, I assume him mum will also be mortified by this happening.
How do they help children that bite at this age? It's all new to me.
I'll try encourage new friends. Hopefully he gets the help to manage these emotions as at the same time I feel sad for this child too that he struggles so much.

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Original poster

Dolly567 · 03/10/2023 21:15

So to update on this, he's been hit again since by the same boy at lunchtime. Teachers have done their best to keep them apart but he still managed to hit him yesterday.
Going to speak to the head teacher aibu?

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Original poster

Dolly567 · 03/10/2023 21:17

I was met with he's been hit again when I did pickup on Monday, that's hit/slapped in the face last Thursday, Friday the bite, Monday hit in the nose

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/10/2023 17:18

You should ask to see their anti bullying policy and make an appt with the Head asap.

MargaretThursday · 04/10/2023 17:28

As a one off I wouldn't worry too much as long as they're playing together nicely.

I remember when one of my girls was in year 6 and came home saying a particular boy had bitten another child. I'd never heard nor seen that boy even having a cross word with anyone else at all from reception upwards. Totally unexpected by everyone who knew the child. Never did anything since either.

But now you're looking at a pattern. It sounds like there's something more going on and it's reasonable to ask the teachers to keep a close eye and separate them. Maybe a couple of weeks separation might calm the situation down.

Original poster

Dolly567 · 04/10/2023 21:33

Thank you, I'll have another word in the morning. He said he twisted his arm today and it hurt and he was rough with a few of the other kids too. It's not acceptable at all and a plan needs to be put in place.

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momonpurpose · 05/10/2023 05:12

Dolly567 · 04/10/2023 21:33

Thank you, I'll have another word in the morning. He said he twisted his arm today and it hurt and he was rough with a few of the other kids too. It's not acceptable at all and a plan needs to be put in place.

This is absolutely ridiculous! How many times does he need to hurt a child before the school keeps all kids safe. And he is far far too old to be biting!

Roselilly36 · 05/10/2023 05:34

Your poor DS. I would go straight to the head, this is totally unacceptable, your child should be safe at school, yes sometimes things happen (I have had two DS’) but this is not a one off.

My son was bitten by a friend who was about 2, but by reception that should not be happening.

Are these injuries happening whilst in class or on the playground? Are there two reception classes? If in class could DS or other child move into the other classroom?

So sorry you are in this situation OP, it must be very worrying for you

stayathomer · 05/10/2023 06:13

Do they have a teacher on the yard at playtime op? I think minimum someone needs to hover nearby him. The parents definitely need to be spoken to

Kalodi · 05/10/2023 06:23

Hey OP, my son was a biter in year 1 and often lashed out. He lashed out to a year 4 student and caused him to need stitches.

As the parent, I did keep asking school what was being done to ensure my child wasn't hurting others. I asked that he have closer supervision to help intervene.

Of course I don't know the circumstances with this other boy and it could certainly be very different. But for my son he had severe speech delay so a lot of it was frustration and it turned out the year 4 student was mocking him and my son didnt have the skills to explain back. Not that it makes violence acceptable and I very clearly explained this to my son.

Now in year 2 he is a lot better with coping with that frustration, however there's still been some incidents where he has lashed out and it's been when he has already been overwhelmed and seemingly minute things cause him to tip over. So we are working together with the school to find ways my son can help himself avoid getting like that.

Anyway, my point is, it's good you reached out to the school about this and definitely worth asking them if they're providing this boy with closer supervision and helping him resolve things in non violent ways.

DisquietintheRanks · 05/10/2023 06:30

Is your ds still choosing to play with him OP? Or do they have mutual friends? It's always much harder to stop this sort of behaviour between two children who are choosing to play together then bw two random children iyswim?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 05/10/2023 23:35

DisquietintheRanks · 05/10/2023 06:30

Is your ds still choosing to play with him OP? Or do they have mutual friends? It's always much harder to stop this sort of behaviour between two children who are choosing to play together then bw two random children iyswim?

The OPs son may feel that he doesn't have a choice.