Being attracted to other men

[AmIthatweird]

I often read on MN about women who are really devoted to their OH - which is great, obviously. I think I might be the weird one. I love my husband really, truly, and I do find him attractive. We’ve been married 18 years. But the fact is, I do find other men attractive too. Like, distractingly attractive. I’d never cheat on my husband. I have imagined it though. I know there’s no mileage in cheating - it would be just awful, for everyone. But I still like the daydreams. Sometimes they’re about really inappropriate people too. It’s all just in my head though, and it entertains me (and sometimes turns me on). Is this very abnormal?

I don’t think it’s abnormal, I could never physically cheat on my husband but do I find other men good looking? Yes! Do I wish I were single sometimes? Yes! But it’s all innocent

I’m single, but OMG I think about sex a lot! And find myself thinking of various sex acts with many men I come across 🤣
I’m mid 40’s and wondering if this is part of peri menopause or something, to have the constant horn on.
The worst part is despite being single I don’t date or hook up with anyone as I’m looking for ‘the one’ 🙄

This makes me feel better. I’m always really thrown by the ‘I’d never look at another man because I love my partner’ posts. I love my husband but I still enjoy the thrill of attraction.

It's completely normal to think other people are attractive. What you need to do is avoid taking things any further.

British people often talk like it's impossible to avoid cheating but it's actually very straightforward. It's one thing to appreciate a fine-looking specimen. Thinking/fantasizing about that person feeds deeper feelings though. Set rules for yourself. No dreaming about people you know and remind yourself that if you had to pick up Mr. Dream Man's dirty underwear off the floor and wartch him clear his nose over the sink, he might not seem so attractive.

This is good advice.

I am very ill-disciplined when it comes to the dreaming. I do it all the time. That’s probably not normal. There’s no actual risk of me cheating- the people I think about are unavailable for one thing. I just love the thoughts. I also think I have a weird obsession for being desired. Like, if I could know someone I like also found me attractive, that would literally be enough. I think it’s to do with feeling deeply unattractive until I was about 18. Never got over it.

For me that’s normal; I’d never take it further and I know the reality would be awful

my friend is similar with menopause, random moments of "thoughts"

@AmIthatweird, you don't sound unusual at all. Many kids who feel unattractive develop rich inner fantasy lives. I don't know how old you are, but if you're an older Millennial or older, you may not be aware that it's socially acceptable now to share on fan fiction sites like AO3! Honestly, you're completely normal.

Like I said though, I think it would be a good idea to make rules. Even if you feel confident you'd never cheat, your life will be less complicated if you can keep it in the realm of fantasy by only involving move stars or strangers you see on the bus or at the mall.

I don't know what your current situation is, but if you still suffer with feelings about your appearance, maybe it's time to take charge. If you can feel healthier by getting in shape or (if you are already in shape) adding another healthy habit to your repertoire (like yoga or strength training or dance), you'll probably feel better. Don't expect it to work immediately. It often takes months. But when you're there, you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

I hope it's not offensive to talk about fitness. I'm obsessed so can't resist squeezing it into any conversation.

No, I don't have this.

I might he able to tell if someone has a face or style I find appealing but, underneath their clothes, they're all Action Man.

I never think about sexual acts with other men, never fantasise about sex, never 'fancy' anyone. Never!

Not offensive at all! I am getting a bit obsessed with fitness and body image too. I’ve always been a bit focused on body shape tbh. That was one of my defining moments in fact - realising as I entered my late teens/twenties that I could get in shape/ be attractive.

I did have quite a lot of male attendance at that time. The thing is, I met my DH relatively early in my 20s. Now I’m in my early 40s with kids entering teens. I’m in better shape now than I was pre-kids because I have a bit more time to exercise etc. But I think I’m having a bit of a ‘last hurrah’ maybe? Thinking I’ll enjoy being desirable for a bit before age really sets in😂 Sad really. As I said, I don’t really want to cheat. But I like indulging in day dreams that are frankly ridiculous.

See, this is what I meant. It must be nice and comforting to be like this. I’m assuming you enjoy sex with your partner though (or have I got that wrong?)

@AmIthatweird, I don't think you need to worry about getting old and invisible! The world has changed. You can enjoy your appearance at any age. I do think your mindset about your body will change the more you exercise. I see it myself and with friends that we care more about how many push-ups or whatever we can do than what other people are thinking. You'll get to a point where you feel more comfortable with yourself and can focus on other goals related to your body.

I wonder if you could take up romance novel writing with your day-dreams!

Good luck!

I do but weve only been together for a couple of years.

I've always been the same. I've only ever fancied the person I'm going out with. When I've been single, I've had crushes on people but only ever on one person at a time!

You are totally normal.

? Did you find yourself sniping on the wrong thread?

Yeah all the time. I think some people have more of a thrill seeking personality. I cheated on someone when I was 16, was a dreadful feeling and I've NEVER done it since. But I fantasise often. But love my DH more than anything!