To fall out with friend over this

[HoneycrispApple]

My long term friend (A) is lovely but has had a history of being quite bossy to me. She has made me feel nervous at times because she is very hotheaded. She has some issues, though, so always put her behaviour down to that.

A introduced to a friend (B) of hers around 3 years ago. B is lovely and we hit it off straight away. A

I ended up we up meeting up with the friend of hers quite a bit. I really like her and we have a lot in common! However, always felt a bit like A might get arsey with us hanging out at some point. I asked if she minded us spending time together and she said no but I never believed her.

A few months later, A fell out with B. I didn’t want to get involved. I hate conflict! In all honesty, I wasn’t there when it was all going on but I really don’t feel like B did anything wrong and I know that A has the tendency to be hotheaded (as mentioned above!). But again, I tried to stay very balanced in my opinion in the hope it would blow over.

I then had friend A calling me me very aggressively saying I wasn’t allowed to be friends with B anymore and that I wasn’t being a loyal friend to her if I remained friends with B. I was so shocked that at 32 years old I was being bossed around in such a way. I’ve been a pushover in the past and I was determined that this time was the time I stood my ground - it felt like playground stuff. Friend A and I fell out. It was terrifying and liberating at the same time.

I have continued my friendship with friend B and have not spoken to friend A in three months. My question is - am I actually being a bad friend to friend A? Should I have been there for her more? She is my long term (hate using the term, but ‘best) friend. I feel horrible and I miss her. But there comes a point where I don’t want to be bossed around anymore or made to feel nervous! or am I just the fickle/flakey friend that didn’t have A’s back? I know friend A is going yh rough a lot right now. I feel terrible I am not there for her.

AIBU?

My long term friend (A) is lovely

No, she really isn't. She's bossy, she makes you nervous, she tries to dictate who you can and can't see, and she has a horrible temper. She's a volatile, controlling bully.

You (and B) are better off without A. You've done nothing wrong.

If A is going through a lot, tell her you care about her and keep the door open, tell her you will be there for her if she wants to get in touch... but you aren't dropping B. Then its up to her.

You're right though, she cant dictate who you spend your time with.
Then its firmly up to her, if she wants to lose both friends so be it.

Alternatively if you do feel a strong sense of relief that you aren't in contact and actually don't miss her, don't bother doing anything, leave it with her taking the huff.

A doesn’t get to decide who you make friends with (or don’t). It’s as simple as that. A real friend would understand that.

This is purely about control.

You can still reach out to A if you want to. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but obviously it partially depends on why they fell out.

I don’t want to disclose too much but the reason they fell out was over another of their mutual friends baby showers (A was upset she’d not been asked to participate much in the planning, B was doing most of it and apparently making snide remarks about it to A). I was not part of any of this and wasn’t involved at all. I don’t know the other friend!

I have told A I would be here for her and I have always tried to support her as much as I can but I was not going to cut contact with B. That was the last thing I said to her before we stopped talking.

Also I will add that if B had done something really bad, I would obviously cut ties. But making a few snide remarks (which I’m actually not sure she’d even do) over a baby shower that I wasn’t even involved in doesn’t seem worthy of me not talking to her!

Friendships are meant to be caring happy fun. Your friendship with A isn't any of those