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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with Dd1's teacher ?

51 replies

YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:01

Dd1 (10) goes to France on a school trip next week.

About 2 weeks ago there was a meeting about the trip for parents. At the end of the meeting I took the oppptunity to speak to Dd1's teacher about the fact that dd1 had been getting a bit upset about the trip, and was starting to get quite nervous about going.

The teacher informed me that dd would be fine she'd speak to her and ask her who she wanted to share with so that she felt a bit more comfortable about going.

Not only has the teach not spoken to dd about the trip at all, dd today found out who she is sharing with and I isn't happy.

She is sharing with 3 other girls. Girl A, we know well, she lives next door but one, and we walk to school with her every day. She isn't really one of dd's friends as in she doesn't play with her at school, but they get on ok etc. Girl B is a girl that I know of, but not well and isn't one of dd's friends at all, never has been, they aren't even in the same class.

Girl C though is who I am really concerned about. Basically she is a trouble maker, and girl A's mum recently told me that girl C had said some extremely disgusting, sexual things to her dd, and had also been quite nasty to her. Now sorry, but there is no way in the world that my dd is sharing a room with this girl. Even if she hadn't done any of those things, she also isn't one of dd's friends anyway and dd is now quite upset that out of all the girls she would have picked to share with, she isn't sharing with one single one.

I am furious that dd's teacher told me she would do something about dd's fears about the trip and now seems to have done the complete opposite.

OP posts:
hatrick · 05/03/2008 19:34

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Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:37

Well there isn't alot I can do about that Hatrick. It is up to A's parents to tell the teacher if they want their dd moved.

At the end of the day, their dd hasn't expressed any concerns about going on this trip at all, but dd has, and it is up to me to at least try and make sure she is happy with who she is sharing with.

OP posts:
hatrick · 05/03/2008 19:42

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:44

Well like I said, if I were A's parents i'd be asking to have her moved also, but thats up to them. I have nothing against A, but dd has said she is not happy and wants to be with at least one of her proper friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:45

I will also make it clear to A's parents that she isn't the reason dd wanted to move.

OP posts:
fireflytoo · 05/03/2008 19:45

I am a teacher and I organise trips like these. My questions for you would be:

Is this your daughter's first sleep-away trip from home? Has she been abroad before? 10 years is quite young and France is quite far away. I remember being 10 and being the ONLY child from my school going on a trip with about 60 other children. I shared the room with 5 other girls who all knew each other. I cried myself to sleep almost every night but loved the days and would probably not have gone home even if I had the choice.

My feeling is that she and Girl A might just become really close as a result of having a "common foe" for want of a better phrase.

And they really do not spend much time in their rooms. I would suggest to the teacher that some fuss be made over the fact that she can perhaps choose who she wants to sit with in the coach/train etc. where she will be spending most of her time.

I do agree that you should talk to the teacher but more in terms of being two people who want to solve this together rather than attacking her for what I think must have been a lapse in memory or a really headache of a room plan. And as Crunchie said.... don't mention C if you can...perhaps ask if one of the girls she is sharing with at present can be swapped with a friend.

For all you know, these other girls have nagged the teacher to share and you daughter did not get a word in edge ways?

hippipotami · 05/03/2008 19:47

I do tend to agree with hatrick. And how about inviting girl A to tea? Strengthen the bond between them, so together they will be able to cope with girl C's behaviour better than if either of them was on their own.

Don't forget, teachers often know more about children's friendships in school then we do. Perhaps the groups were arranged like this for a reason.

Ds has been on two school trips. On both occasions he has been put with children he would not class as his close friends. Both times it worked out well and new bonds were formed (yes even with the child no-one likes)
And not just ds - all parents in ds's yeargroup have mentioned that dorm allocation on school trips has always seemed 'odd' but must be done for a reason.

Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:48

It is her first trip abroad and first trip away from home yes.

Like I said, I only ever originally spoke to her teacher, because dd has twice been in floods of tears about going and sharing with a friend was the only thing reassuring her.

If dd refuses to go if they don't let her swap rooms then I lose £250 and dd misses out on a great experiance.

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minorityrules · 05/03/2008 19:49

On all the school trips mine have been on, they mix the children up. This helps with everyone getting to know each other better, stopping some cliques and helping the ones who don't have many friends. We have never been put with good friends. They all got a chance to write down who they would like to share with but understood this wouldn't mean they would get to share with them

Schools can't be pleasing all the hilren/parents, this is why they mix them up

Of course your daughter is nervous, they all will be, they are only ten. They deal with it every year. It is a good growing up lesson for them

Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:50

I think the roups were arranged like this for a reason yeah. Dd1 is a good girl, not being big headed, but she is. A is generally good but can get into trouble a bit, and B and C are always in trouble.

I think Dd has possibly been put with them as a good influence, which is not on imo.

Girl A does come here for tea occasionally, but dd and her have nothing in common, and on playdates girl A often gets bored and goes home early. So although they are friends, they aren't at all close really.

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stuffitllama · 05/03/2008 19:54

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I don't think you are being mean-minded, but your options are limited (and I don't think guns blazing is one of them!). I do think the teacher has got it wrong, as you did draw the issue to her attention beforehand in order to try to avoid being put in such a difficult position.

I would go with Fireflytwo. On these trips they don't spend a lot of time in their rooms and they are usually so tired they crash straight away. For example after supper, on our trip they always had an activity.. not going back to the room for doss time, and they are up and at it next day. But the idea of being able to choose a coach partner, and so on, is a really good one.

I'm really sure too that your dd will have a good time, unlikely as it may seem at the moment.

Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 19:59

Sorry I should have said, she will be in this group for the whole trip, for all of the activities. She has to sit by girl A for all of the jounreys too, which isn't a major disaster, but knowing that A and dd1 get bored of each other after an hour, means that a coach trip of hours and hours will be now even more less enjoyable.
I won't go in guns blazing. Will just explain why dd is dissapointed and ask if they can move dd.

If the teacher says no, then I will ask why she told me she'd ask dd1 who she wanted to share with then.

OP posts:
stuffitllama · 05/03/2008 20:06

Well that certainly sounds like they're not "mixing them up". Are you sure that's the case? The same group for every activity? That is more difficult. Good luck with your approach. Don't make it sound like your daughter is being precious.

ps gameboys for the journey?

Wotz · 05/03/2008 20:06

Hard as it might be to say, but what if A and C were the only ones who wanted to share with your dd.

I am sure this is not the case, just thinking outside of the box.

Wotz · 05/03/2008 20:11

That souds harsh, I'm sorry I didn't mean it to

Original poster
YouTellMe · 05/03/2008 20:28

Thats ok, as far as I know though, non of the kids were asked before hand who they wanted to share with. Dd1 was only going to be asked as I'd expressed concerns about how worried she was, so the teacher suggested she'd ask her.

Have just spoken to my mate who's ds is going, and he is sharing with his best mate and then 2 other friend also.

OP posts:
2shoes · 05/03/2008 22:53

yanbu
hope you managed to get her moved into a room with her freinds(please report back)

hercules1 · 06/03/2008 07:48

The trouble is as she gets older the same thing will happen again and again. There will come a point when she will have to learn that you can't always get to sit and be with your bestest friends. She will enjoy the trip I'm sure even as it stands now. You cant judge it on that she will be okay for an hour with a girl she is already friends with but after that she will be bored.

fireflytoo · 06/03/2008 07:50

From what I have read it seems that her teacher is not aware of her friendships...surprisingly and disappointingly. I would make a very strong point of her sharing with friends. Now I am speaking as a mother not a teacher. But as a teacher I would listen.

Good luck. I hope you can have it arranged so that your daughter is happy.

hippipotami · 06/03/2008 08:06

firefly has a good point. Perhaps your dd's friendship with her close friend is not all that obvious at school (if they are in different sets for maths and literacy for instance)
But perhaps the teacher forgot to ask your dd and thought that because she sees your dd walk to school with child A that child A must be one of your dd's best friends.

My dd has a best friend in her class. Dd and S love each other. To the point they are inseperable. But at teacher's evening her teacher said that they hardly ever play together in class. The are in different reading groups, sit on different tables for lunch (one lunchbox, one hot dinner) and thus at playtime tend to stick with those they are in a group/table with.
But when you ask either of them who their best friend is, they will say each other.
So it is not always obvious which children are best friends.

(I hope that makes sense...)

CrackerOfNuts · 06/03/2008 16:37

Update ...I went in and said that dd was not happy with who she was sharing with. The teacher told dd she should have said at the time as it isn't a problem, and apparently girl A has also asked to be moved.

Anyway, the teacher has written down a list of dd's friends and is going to see where she can fit her in and tell her in the morning. She said it is important that they are happy with their room mates and so if dd still isn't happy to make sure she tells her. Although have told dd not to be awkward and that so long as she gets to share one of her close friends, she should be happy with that and not mess the teacher about.

Apparently the teacher had guessed that there would be problems putting other kids with girl C and said that they need to sort something out wrt her.

So all in all it went fine.

I do feel a bit sorry for girl C as evidently no one wants to share with her, and although they all have very good reasons, and the girl is a bully I feel that perhaps the school should have addressed this way before the trip.

LIZS · 06/03/2008 16:48

Sounds like you handled it well. With ds' residential trip they all made a list of 2 they wanted to share with(although no promise they would get both) and 2 they didn't as the basis of room allocations. Seemed to work well. Some of the girls in particular had it sussed well in advance. Hope she has a great time.

CrackerOfNuts · 06/03/2008 17:24

Thanks, I am not sure who is more nervous now, me or her.

She has just presented me with yet another list of things she needs, so off to the shops again tommorow.

2shoes · 06/03/2008 17:34

CrackerOfNuts well done. at the end of the day you have to look after your own. hope dd has a lovely time.

stuffitllama · 06/03/2008 23:16

Am really pleased for you cracker. It's very heartening isn't it (also rather unnerving) to get all worked up for a "to do" and then find the teacher is on the same wavelength and happy to accomodate! Must be quite reassuring for the trip itself.
I hope she enjoys herself very much.