AIBU about my husbands hobby now we have a baby?

[user1469032438]

Sorry if this is long I am trying to include all information.

My husband is a huge football fan, he coaches the local team which meant 2 training sessions a week and a match most weekends which usually had him out of the house 12-6.

I have a 6 year old and we had a baby 12 days ago. He has been in 6 year old life since she was 18months old. When I got pregnant it triggered really bad anxiety, I was nearly sectioned and spent 2 weeks just crying, it was a really awful time that took everyone by surprise.

During that time (and the weeks that followed where I was still very ill but getting better) my DH was brilliant, he took on all house work, childcare etc. Whilst working full time and s
did stop football for a couple of weeks.

My meds are working and I am in a much better place although still suffer with anxiety quite badly, I still have panic attacks etc. But on the whole I'm as good as I can hope for ATM. Obviously having a baby threw that all up in the air and last week was awful again and I am just starting to get better again this week.

I spent the whole pregnancy warning him this could happen, warning him that I might get ill again and telling him that when the baby comes football will have to stop for a while because I will need help in the evenings. A massive trigger for my anxiety is being tired which isn't ideal with a newborn but I'm managing best I can going to bed at 7 and having naps etc. But it means I need him to have the baby from when I go to bed till when he comes up at 10ish.

Anyway, the football hasn't stopped, he played football on Tuesday which I agreed to as I was having a good night but it is training tonight and he just said he isn't going to go as its raining.

I'm just pissed off because there was no consideration for me, I didn't even know he was intending to go until he said he wasn't going and when I said that to him he just said "it's Thursday?"

I know he loves it and I know he is a real extrovert so being in the house all the time is driving him mad but equally I need him here for a while and it just feels like he has no consideration. He has also done this before where he says i'll just go once a week and then before we know it, it's back 3 or 4 times a week including all day Saturday.

So AIBU to expect him to have more than a week away from football or is it just hormones? I didn't even get out of hospital till last Wednesday because we had to stay in due to the medication I am on so the baby could be monitored. I feel mean but also he agreed before I even got pregnant that football would be less after the baby and would stop for a while completely.

So there's one game from noon until 6 pm on one weekend day and then two training sessions on week-day evenings?

I think he could cut out one of the training sessions during the week right now as there's a very new baby in the house, but honestly, what you're describing doesn't sound excessive as long as he is doing A LOT of the housework and is present in the time he is not at football.

I think what you need to do is leave the baby with him one night per week (maybe two when the baby is older) and do something fun yourself. Either see friends or exercise or both.

You're suffering with serious anxiety and I know myself how hard it is to support someone in that situation. He deserves s break. It isn't fair to expect him to be a caregiver seven days a week. You need to do what you can to get well and he needs to support you but ALSO have time where he isn't a caregiver.

Their baby is 12 days old?! He can for sure suck it up for the next month at least - they are meant to be a team and OP is not well! OP isn’t going to be going out exercising one night a week at the moment is she?

OP I’d agree you’ve only just got out of hospital and you need the support

You've only been home from hospital 5 minutes. He definitely needs to prioritise you and the baby over bloody football.

You have just given birth and are not well. Mental and physical health come before hobbies. I doubt you are doing much of your own hobbies right now. He needs to put you first right now.

So he's bailing when it's the hard grind

What a shocker

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your baby is 12 days old and given that he didn’t have to carry your child for 9 months or give birth to him/her, the least he can do is take a break from his hobby for a couple of months. I mean, I doubt you’re going out and acting as you were before the baby was born! It’s important to start as you mean to go on - do not put up with this utterly shit behaviour, remind him very clearly of his promises and how he has responsibilities towards both you and your child. Don’t make it easy for him by suffering in silence / soldiering on / martyring yourself as you need to protect your mental health both for yourself and your children.

@Duolily, the OP has serious mental health issues. She describes a time when he gave up everything to care for her for weeks. Nope, you do not get to sit in your armchair and judge him. This is clearly an extremely tolerant and supportive husband.

Like I said, three occasions per week is arguably excessive right now. They could negotiate about the number of occasions he's away. But if playing football allows him to support a very mentally ill wife and a new baby, then I think he deserves the break.

I have found myself in the position of having to care for mentally ill people and I'd never, ever do it again. I'd run in the other direction from anyone who had issues. People need to understand that caregivers need an outlet so they don't end up getting burned out like I am. This guy deserves kudos, not condemnation.

@Antst I think this is a sensible viewpoint slightly further on as I agree that we all need a break, expecially when things are tough. However this baby is only 12 days old, so right now I think the focus needs to be on the real practicals. The DH is likely still on paternity leave (if he gets it) so I think it's reasonable to play it by ear with his hobbies for a bit longer and be willing to stay at home when needed.

This sums it up so well, it's about balance - it can't be all for one.

@jiinglebells, yes, and I'd also say that it will actually help both of them in the long-run. I'd think of it as the fuel he needs to be supportive.

I wonder if the OP has family members or friends who could come over on training night? If you do, OP, don't be afraid to ask.

OP I could have written this, my partner plays football 'semi-pro' which is arguably the worst type for the partner 🤣 pay is ok and does help but isn't enough to be an income and requires such a lot of time. He also trains 2 nights a week and then plays every Saturday, if he's at home it's 12:30-6pm and if it's away it can be as long as 10-10pm! It causes a lot of resentment and anxiety in our house too, especially when we had DD2 in February and he fucked off to London to play when she was 5 days old and I was recovering from a c-section. I also have DD1 who isn't his biological child but has been in her life from a young age like you. After countless arguments and crisis talks he now concedes that he doesn't 'own' the weekend and that I also need downtime so has arranged for his sister to have the kids 2 Saturday afternoons a month which means I can go and do something nice too. The weekday evenings are absolutely fine now baby goes to bed at 6:30. Basically, it will get easier but put your foot down about weekends, just because it's his hobby he doesn't get to use you as his free childcare, 50% of the time he needs to take responsibility for the kids too.

Mental health issues or not, no new father should be out practising a hobby three times a week with a 12 day old baby. He hasn't done some magnificent thing by temporarily looking after you while you were pregnant and feeling bad, mentally. That was the least he could do. He needs to get his act together. YANBU, OP.

He is the coach though not just playing.

Surely OP has friends who could call in for a while, during the period she needs support.

He may be the coach but it is a hobby not a job and he has previously agreed to cut it down to once a week. And just because he was supportive during what sounded like a scary mental health crisis does not excuse him from doing the basics now.

Thank you for the replies, this was my issue and why I made the thread. I understand he needs down time and that I am not also the easiest to live but I am struggling to see what the right balance is, I think for now I might suggest 2 evenings a week but no match on a Saturday and see how we get on with that (there are 2 other coaches so it's not like it leaves the team coachless)

@user1469032438, that sounds perfectly reasonable. I do think you need to have a general conversation about this and agree on a schedule so that you're not arguing with each other or being taken by surprise when he does go out.

OMG sorry all meant to start a new thread not comment on this!! So sorry still new here!!