wibu to ask this child to treat my ds better?

[excusesallthetime]

nc for this thread

Ds (8) has been having an awful time lately of being targeted by a boy on our street a couple of years older than him. When ds bit back and told him to go away, the mum came out shouting at ds and his friends that her son was upset yet again and inside crying. I happened to be outside as she came out and gave her some examples of her son's awful behaviour. She couldn't handle this, got angry that I was getting defensive and started shouting that her ds has adhd and is neurodvergent

A few days later I could see him in front of ds, mimicking him, pulling faces and I just asked him not to as it wasn't kind and a few minutes later he went in. I tried to knock on the door, but got no answer, so I messaged to say what had happened. She left me on read and the following day I received a message saying that he had gone in crying yet again and that she didn't think I was right for telling her child off (even though all I'd done was calmly ask him not to treat ds that way). I asked what she expected me to do and of course, she didn't have an answer for me

I don't feel nice that he'd gone in upset, but, what am I meant to do? Just stand there and let her son pick on mine and not defend him?

You need to tell your son to walk away and not engage with this kid.

Nothing that you've done here is wrong.

Try not to engage with the mum

It sounds like he’s feeling left out and doesn’t know how to join in. Could you work with that? Does your ds understand nd?

It sounds like he’s feeling left out and doesn’t know how to join in. Could you work with that? Does your ds understand nd?

I would not do this!

Kids like this don’t change, they tend to be over bearing and will cause more issues in the future. The boy needs friends his own age and OP should not put her child in this child’s path - why would you?

ds has his own social struggles and we suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum, so I doubt that he would understand why the other boy feels left out

Adhd doesn't excuse him bullying younger kids. Given his mum is so permissive it's more likely her lack of parenting that's led to her son being a brat rather than any neurodiversity. Keep standing up for your child.

Teach ds to talk away and play with someone else. Teach him to say ‘what you are doing is unkind’ simple statement not biting back and walk away

This.

The mum needs to handle her ds's behaviour better.

when she said he has no impulse control, I had to bite my tongue and ask why the first impulse was to be mean 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm going to have a chat with ds over the weekend about the situation, explain that it's ok to point out unkind behaviour and walk away. I don't want to prevent ds from playing out as he gets a lot from it. But I'll look at some key phrases for him to say when things turn nasty. And I plan on sitting out with him for a while, I can send work emails from my phone if needs be

I think it’s fine to tell him if you can’t be kind then go away. So what if he goes in crying. Maybe he’ll learn if he’s unkind he doesn’t get friends

Tell him 'the right way to approach people is to say ''Hello, would you like to play'' not be mean to them''.
You do it because his mum is incapable of basic parenting.

Thank you for the responses. I felt guilty that he'd gone in upset, I don't want to be the cause of another child being upset. But, the amount of times my child has come in upset because he can't get his bike, or skateboard or scooter back, or because he's been left out, or called names. There was no way I was going to stand there, and not say anything, I can't imagine how ds would have felt if I had