Why is it so hard growing up away from your parents even if you have loving foster parents?

[confusedemotions]

I'm wondering if anyone has links to newer research that looks at what happens when mothers and infants are separated, or can shed any light on this, and how to solve it.

I feel so pathetic and ashamed that I carry these hurt, confused feelings. My teenage mum gave me to a very loving and nurturing family member to raise and visited me basically every weekend. She had a lovely new family and we got along well.

My mum died recently and I can't explain how bereft I feel about this. It is something to do with not having had her as "invested" in the daily minutiae of my life or feeling very alone and something? So much shared mundane stuff with her "real" family that I wasn't a key part of?

Therapy has not helped me at all. It simply made me feel more alone. How can I fix myself permanently and process this and FULLY stop being hurt by it?

AIBU and ungrateful? Like I was part of her family just not a typical relationship between mother and daughter - am I just being unreasonable to not be content with not being as "important" as her husband and other children?

I need to make these feelings go away. Please help.

I think The Primal Wound would be relevant to your situation. As I said it really resonated with me from the first page and I cried all of the way through it, but it validated my feelings. I had a very happy childhood with my adopted parents who are now sadly dead. I’m now in touch with my birth parents and half siblings and it has been an emotional roller coaster but part of the healing process for me.

I have never said I was 'permanently broken', I am trying to heal myself because I am in a lot of pain.

Your post is very dismissive. I am sorry you were in care and had a terrible time.

That post was very dismissive OP. The poster cannot see beyond her own pain - which sounds considerable and she has my sympathy. But your pain is just as valid and real. Attachment theory is absolutely rooted in how babies are or aren’t able to form an internal sense of trust and safety. You have every right to feel your feelings and explore how you can heal.

Thank you, yes i did find it dismissive. And I certainly don't feel 'permanently broken' whatever that means, I would never describe any human being that way. Scarred yes, but hopeful resolve most of the pain around the issue.

@SaltySeaCat I have ordered the Primal Wound book. I'm so glad you found it helpful, it sounds like the writer voices something about the confusion and pain of these situations, in a way that not many other books understand as adeptly.

@confusedemotions no one should ever be dismissive of anyone's reaction to something they have been through. It sounds incredibly hard and you sound like a lovely person, I really hope you find some peace 💐

I had thought before reading it that I wouldn’t have been affected as I was a newborn baby, but reading the book made me realise I have been and it made sense of lots of my emotions. I hope you find it helpful too.

Hope you are OK op. It bothered me in my teen years but not since. Mines still alive but I have no interest in the slightest.

I'm a foster carer and all the courses I've been on have been very clear that taking a baby away from its mother causes a great deal of trauma for the baby. No matter how loving a family they are given to. That's not to say it's never in a baby's best interests to be removed, but it's important to understand that even a baby given at birth to the 'best' adoptive family could have difficulties in the future.