Upset by DS and his behaviour

[shinystarzz127]

NC as I don't want this to be under my usual username as I'm ashamed.

I have a 12 year old DS in year 7. Just lately he's been in a bad mood, and the he's been showing it with his behaviour. Whenever he gets home from school, he throws his school uniform, if it's been a PE day he throws in his kit at me and tells me it needs washed, throws his lunchbox at me etc. He shouts and hits. He refuses to get dressed of a morning. It's exhausting and I'm starting to dislike him. Whenever I pick him up after school he complains the whole way home and if I ignore him he says I'm making him angry. He says he doesn't want me picking him up but once I didn't and he got walked home and shouted at me and said that his dad is right I'm lazy and punched me and was in a strop all that weekend.

This morning he was refusing to get dressed again and was throwing things his school uniform, he then hid it and told me to get his spare one even though it was in his room and he was capable of doing it himself. He was giving me attitude as I told him to get it himself and told him he would be late and he'd be the one with detention and not me and he shouted at me calling me a bitch etc and I hit him. He got dressed and all the way to school he was saying he was going to tell his tutor. I usually don't give a reaction to him and try to give him love and patience but I've had enough.

I feel like such a failure.

What are the consequences for his behaviour? Is he getting a decent night's sleep every night as it screams tiredness to me, especially after starting in a new school which takes some adjusting.

You shouldn't have hit him.

That said if he's saying his dad is calling you lazy etc it sounds like his father is bad mouthing you to him and he's starting to believe it. Get that kid in counselling.

Also set boundaries with him that have consequences. I.e. no phone or internet if he misbehaves or treats you like garbage.

How is he finding year 7 - it looks like he could potentially be struggling with the transition

I've tried taking his devices off of him but he doesn't care and in fact it makes him worse. I make him give me his phone at 9 every night and he usually is asleep by about 9:30/9:45. He then gets up at 7 so he is getting enough sleep.

I run an Army Cadet unit and he would fit in so well, we have kids from all walks of lede and with different learning difficulties, we are a team.

There is so much he could do and true friends to be made.

I wouldn't be forcing him to get dressed, he is old enough to know what he needs to do.
When my daughter tries a similar thing (refusing to get dressed for school), I just tell her 'I can't force you, but you will be late for school and I will message your teacher and explain why you are late' and she moans but then gets dressed.
Are you with your sons Dad? Or are you separated and he is bad mouthing and undermining you?

Yes to joining a cadet group, good strong role models and respect and discipline are expected.

Has he grown up in a violent household? Are you and Dad together? You shouldn't have hit him but sounds like it's likely you've been in an abusive environment either now or in the past and he's reenacting it.

Ring the school today and book in a meeting with his pastoral lead, they'll be able to signpost to other services, look out for him getting in with the wrong crowd or being bullied.

What are the consequences for this behaviour?

I second reaching out to the school, you shouldn't have to be dealing with this behaviour but it would also get good to know how he's acting in school. Are you and his father together?

You need to set firm boundaries, give him one warning that he is crossing the line, what you want him to do and then sanction him by whatever will impact him most. Make sure he is aware that his current behaviour is unacceptable and what the consequences will be and stick to it - expect it to take a month to work and for proper behaviour change.

Make it very clear, when you come home your lunch bag goes X/ washed up, your uniform goes X, if you hit me X will happen

Don't, shout or scream, don't allow yourself to be escalated it is key you keep calm, if you don't squash this now he'll soon be bigger than you and ruling the roost.