Will my son with ADHD live an independent life.

Lookingformykey · 2023-09-28T11:41:21+00:00

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post , my 17 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. His childhood has been extremely difficult to say the least and my husband and I have come close to divorce more than once. My son is very abusive verbally and sometimes physically to me . He has hurt me quite badly on a few occasions. School has been extremely difficult and has left us broken if I am honest. He is now medicated but still needs me to organize everything for him. He says he can focus better at school and seems to be doing well now. It helps that he is studying subjects that he has a real interest in. He has just started a new school for 6th form and has settled in well . I know that we need to support our son but I am feeling a little broken by all the verbal abuse which I feel will go on forever now. Some of the things he says are truly sickening. He seems to lack empathy when it comes to us and I am posting on here because I feel completely alone. Will he ever live and independent life, I am not sure how long I can go on like this. Any advice from mums who have been through this would be greatly appreciated.

Santanasinging · 28/09/2023 13:14

I don't really have any advice op, this must be a very difficult situation.. I have no experience of ADHD but a boy of this age cannot hit his mom.

Hopefully someone better qualified with come along with some advice. Sending a big hug 💐

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 13:17

Thank you x

OP posts:

IslaWinds · 28/09/2023 13:26

The medication should help him with focus and impulse control. He does also need anger management therapy to understand he can’t be physically abusive to you. If he is getting very upset, you need to be able to withdraw safely and he needs to be aware that he also may need breaks to calm down and avoid escalation to verbal/physical abuse.

However, he and you likely have psychological scars from raising him as a NT child because you didn’t know he had ADHD.

You werent to know, but a difficult childhood creates a very angry teen who because they have been hurt, will either hurt you back or have shut down caring for you as defence mechanism.

The best way to tackle this and heal his wounds and yours is for you to all seek individual therapy. Then to discuss his childhood and see if forgiveness and understanding can be found on both sides. He needs to realise that your intentions were always good and you were trying your best. You need to realise that it taking to long to realise he has ADHD and get him treatment has had a really detrimental affect on his childhood and perhaps even his self-esteem.
He needs to understand how he is being abusive and learn how to use the boost of medication to get to grips with impulse and anger control.

IslaWinds · 28/09/2023 13:30

He should be able to live an independent life. My DH has really bad ADHD and while he has had six very different careers (he got bored), he has done well in all of them and his skills and experience by being a bit of a job hopper really made him the best candidate for his current regional management job which he loves.

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 13:33

Thank you @IslaWinds , this is so helpful and gives me hope.x

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 28/09/2023 13:38

My 21 year old son has severe adhd . He is medicated and works full time - but that takes his entire mental strength - realistically he is not able to live independently. Maybe one day but not in the foreseeable future

Potentialmadcatlady · 28/09/2023 13:43

Remember that emotionally he will be approx 4-5 years behind his age so he has a long way to go developmentally maturing.
My DS is now 22 and there has been a massive change in his level of cooperation in the last year. He is v v hard work but at least now I can explain and reason with him which makes life much easier and shut downs less frequent. That said I don’t think my DS will ever live fully independently but I’m hoping he will manage with some v regular support to manage cleanliness, finances etc to have a decent life within his chosen career.
Hang in there… it is v tough ( I did divorce)

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 13:54

Thank you both so much, it's difficult to come to terms with when you think about the future. My son is not realistic and that adds to the stress. He has huge ambitions which have no chance of happening, including going to university in Paris ( he does French).

Do your DS 's have friends/ relationships?

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 28/09/2023 13:57

My DD has adhd. She is at university studying physics.

Been a long journey to get her there but she lives independently.

ManateeFair · 28/09/2023 14:10

I know quite a few adults with ADHD and all of them live independent lives. I don't think ADHD alone would stop someone from living an independent life. If someone can't manage independently at all as an adult, I would say there's usually something else going on in an addition to ADHD. Obviously there will be exceptions and ADHD varies in severity but I think the vast majority of adults with ADHD do get by.

You've obviously been through a lot with your son and I understand that you're still organising things for him, but I would suspect that's partly down to him being 17, as well as down to him having ADHD. It's great that he's settled well into sixth form and hopefully now he has medication and a diagnosis and is getting older, he can learn some coping strategies for staying organised and on top of things.

The verbal and physical abuse is a separate issue I think. That's obviously a very serious matter and I'm really sorry you're having to go through that; it must be absolutely awful. However, on a practical level, there is no reason why that kind of behaviour would stop your son living an independent life in the future. An old friend of mine has a son who sounds very like yours and he was very verbally and physically aggressive to her - to the point where he was arrested and charged for one incident. But he does live independently now, and has a job he enjoys, and the verbal abuse and violence stopped entirely when he moved into his own place. They have a pretty decent relationship now.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 14:16

My eldest was just as you describe. I had to call the police on her a few times. It was a male officer who pointed out that I was living in DA because of her. It took in her 20's for her to somewhat calm down. She never kicked off if elderly people were around and eventually went to work with people who had dementia. MH became a passion and she turned things around. Tbh it's taken into her 30's for things to be reasonable. Young men are more difficult because they can end up in the justice system. If my DD went for me she could be stopped. She was easily handled by the police etc. Medication does help, there wasn't any help when she hit 18. But so does suddenly having a life plan. Don't hesitate to call the police if it gets physical again, he needs a shock tbh.

paulfoel · 28/09/2023 14:17

Been there.... Son was the same. At the time thought theres no way.. School were useless, completely useless. Number of time we nearly called the police to have him arrested, let alone social services.

He surprised us getting all As at A level. Hes just starting his 2nd year of University living away. Cruised the 1st year and loving it.

Yeh we've had a few bumps, hes got a councilor but hes doing well. So proud of him,

ManateeFair · 28/09/2023 14:18

IslaWinds · 28/09/2023 13:30

He should be able to live an independent life. My DH has really bad ADHD and while he has had six very different careers (he got bored), he has done well in all of them and his skills and experience by being a bit of a job hopper really made him the best candidate for his current regional management job which he loves.

Yes, same with my nephew! He was the most difficult and least academic of all his siblings, and he's moved from job to job a lot... but has done really well in all of them! He earns more money than his siblings and is a great one for seizing opportunities; I think it's partly his ADHD that helps him to take a leap and try things where others might miss out by being too risk-averse and over-thinking it.

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 14:18

Thank you all , it has been very difficult. I'm close to a breakdown if I'm honest. It's Incredibly lonely which is why I posted this today.
I was badly bruised a few weeks ago which was such a low point. We are so ashamed of ourselves as parents.

OP posts:

Alopeciabop · 28/09/2023 14:20

IslaWinds · 28/09/2023 13:26

The medication should help him with focus and impulse control. He does also need anger management therapy to understand he can’t be physically abusive to you. If he is getting very upset, you need to be able to withdraw safely and he needs to be aware that he also may need breaks to calm down and avoid escalation to verbal/physical abuse.

However, he and you likely have psychological scars from raising him as a NT child because you didn’t know he had ADHD.

You werent to know, but a difficult childhood creates a very angry teen who because they have been hurt, will either hurt you back or have shut down caring for you as defence mechanism.

The best way to tackle this and heal his wounds and yours is for you to all seek individual therapy. Then to discuss his childhood and see if forgiveness and understanding can be found on both sides. He needs to realise that your intentions were always good and you were trying your best. You need to realise that it taking to long to realise he has ADHD and get him treatment has had a really detrimental affect on his childhood and perhaps even his self-esteem.
He needs to understand how he is being abusive and learn how to use the boost of medication to get to grips with impulse and anger control.

This is the perfect response. If you take this on board you can speed up the healing process - and therefore calm his rage much sooner. He’s angry. He’s likely been made to feel he’s wrong/irritating so many times over in his life that a rage has built up inside him. When you’re constantly “getting things wrong” or being told “oh come one why can’t you just [do your homework/nor lose your keys/tidy your room/be organised/pay attention/sit still] but you feel like you’re just being you, it’s very damaging.

you all know now that he was the way he was because he has adhd. But he’s been treated like he’s NT for years so he’s going to have anger. him finding out is great and from now on things can be different but you’ve basically got someone who is used to being attacked so he’s chronically wound up, ready to attack first because he’s never had a defence for his “wrong behaviours” before so that’s his default - attack.

even if you did your absolute best, (which I’m sure you did!) you’re his parents and he’s going to lay some of the blame at your feet fairly on unfairly. It’s just the way it is. Make this about him. A tip is never to say “you were so difficult we didn’t know how to handle it” or “the problems you had we just couldn’t figure out why you would never just do what every other kid was doing” instead say “it’s so clear now you have your diagnosis that you weren’t handled the way that would have been best for you” and “your teachers’ approach was wrong” “I wish I could redo your early life with better knowledge but from now on we can work together”

don’t make it a oh you have difficulties that means you get lots of things wrong and are rubbish at some things so we’ll have to make allowances. Make it a positive - let’s focus and find your strengths and amplify them.

ManateeFair · 28/09/2023 14:21

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 13:54

Thank you both so much, it's difficult to come to terms with when you think about the future. My son is not realistic and that adds to the stress. He has huge ambitions which have no chance of happening, including going to university in Paris ( he does French).

Do your DS 's have friends/ relationships?

There are French degrees at British universities that include a year spent in France, so could that be an option that might suit him?

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 14:25

He wants to study Maths / Economics at a particular university in Paris @ManateeFair.
He is super focused on this at the moment, I am hoping it will pass.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lookingformykey · 28/09/2023 14:27

Your post is so helpful @Alopeciabop , thank you.x

OP posts:

Potentialmadcatlady · 28/09/2023 22:23

My ds is at uni and doing v well but he did decide to live at home as he knew his disorganisation would mean him not getting his degree. I help him organise himself and he has DSA support. I have found the level of support at Uni has been excellent. There was no explaining what he needed because they already seemed to know what he would need to help him best. My son choose a course with an international year ( which massively worried me) but he chose himself not to take that up once he settled into uni and realised it was too much for him.
We did go through a period when he was quite aggressive to me. He got referred to mental health services and they were v firm with him and told him to knock it on the head, that it wasn’t part of his adhd and he was choosing to be aggressive to me. It helped a lot plus the maturing also helped. He still gets shut downs etc but he can handle himself and knows what he needs to get himself through them without using aggression.
All the very best