To want DH to get it together in unemployment?

[Goldfishonabike]

Looking for advice from anyone in similar circumstances.

DH works in the film industry and has currently been without work for a month due to the strike in Hollywood. He usually works shorter gigs, but has been more or less consistently working for the last five years, so this is an unprecedented situation.

I work full time and make a decent salary, so we can survive on my salary and supplement with savings, but we are renting, and were hoping to buy soon, and now we have to start spending from what we had saved up for the down payment, postponing our potentially getting on the property ladder, which we are already super late to do, given we are both early 40ies and with kids of 9 and 6 years old. We have of course already looked at our spending and cut out eating out, takeaways, any extra subscriptions etc., cancelled travel plans and stopped buying new clothes and spending on entertainment etc., and anyways we already lived quite frugally, so there aren’t massive savings to be found.

DH is getting very depressed and stressed out, of course understandably so, and he is not approaching the financial situation sensibly, imo.

We live in a Scandinavian country, and the way the system works is that if he would close his company (he is self employed) he could get unemployment insurance from his insurance after a quarantine of three weeks. He is allowed to close the company twice during a two year period and still receive the support, and if he closes it, he can reopen without problems. The support is quite a bit, around GBP 2000 per month before tax. But he refuses to close the company and keeps saying that he may find a gig soon, whereas I think we cant afford to keep missing out on the support, especially as he can just open the company again if he was to find a gig.

I get that it’s an emotional and metal health thing and that closing the company feels like defeat and like he is really going down, but I think he has to think of the practicalities and our finances in a more realistic way.

Secondly, he is getting very depressed, negative and has a very short fuse, loosing his temper over small tings with me and the kids and just really hard to be around. I try to be as patient as possible with him and not press him on anything or ask him for too much, but yesterday he lost it with me over a small thing and stormed out the house for an hour, leaving the dinner he was cooking burning on the stove while I was giving DD (9) and the neighbour kid a French tutorial, something that is in our schedule for every Wednesday.

I want to support him thought this hard time and to find the best ways for our family to cope, but I feel very angry and fed up myself at this stage.

Does anyone have any advice for how they have supported their partners though unemployment, as well as managed the increase financial pressures and the mental health impact on themselves as the spouse? Like ideas for practical things to do, how to deal with the emotions, what to do and not to do?

He is already taking the opportunity to learn a new programme he says, but most days, he doesn’t do a lot of it and just procrastinate a lot. He has taken on all drop offs and pick-ups for the kids and is cooking all dinners and is also doing a bit more cleaning than before, so it is not like he is doing nothing, but his mood is getting really bad and I am getting very stressed out.

PS: should add that the expectation is for the crisis in the film industry to continue until at least Christmas or for longer than that, there are massive lay-offs in all companies and the strike is still not resolved.

Does your social circle include others who work in the same industry? If so, and they've done what you suggest he does, can you encourage one of them talk to him about it?

he could get unemployment insurance from his insurance after a quarantine of three weeks. He is allowed to close the company twice during a two year period and still receive the support, and if he closes it, he can reopen without problems. The support is quite a bit, around GBP 2000 per month before tax. But he refuses to close the company and keeps saying that he may find a gig soon

You mention a three-week waiting period after closing the company before he's able to get this support, but is there a similar period at the end before he's allowed to accept offers of work? e.g. will he have to wait 3 weeks between stopping the support and being able to accept work, meaning he'd miss the opportunity to work? (I'm trying to figure out if there's a logical reason that the possibility of being able to pick up work in future is holding him back from doing what he needs to do to claim this support now)

should add that the expectation is for the crisis in the film industry to continue until at least Christmas or for longer than that

Is there other similar work that is likely to pick up sooner? For instance are his skills equally useful in theatre or TV or music? If so, do those sectors get busier in the run-up to Christmas at all?

I get the impression that you're afraid to be direct with him--and for good reason. He loses his temper. Am I right?

I think you need to insist (calmly) on having a discussion about this so that you can both figure out what the options are. Schedule the discussion in advance and tell him that you are planning it in advance so that he has time to think things over and is less likely to lose his temper. Say that the situation is hard on everyone, but he now needs to control himself and not take out his stress on you.

The thing is, it sounds like you're actually in a good situation. The strike won't last forever and there is unemployment insurance. Most of the workers who are on strike in the US are having to go to food-banks and are getting further and further into debt because there is zero safety net. I am also in a very competitive field where there is absolutely no help available in case of emergency.

It sounds to me as though your husband is panicking and can't make rational decisions. When you have "the conversation" with him, I think you need to point that out gently. Tell him that he has insurance. This kind of situation is what it's for. What worse situation does your husband expect to happen? I am very, very careful myself because (as I said), there is zero help for me when my jobs end or in case of emergency--and I would draw the insurance in your situation.

If your husband reacts badly to your comments, have someone else lined up to talk to him--your bank manager, his accountant, anyone from your family/friends who can stay calm and knows a bit about the business. Even a therapist.

What I'm basically saying is that you need to stay very calm. Be kind. But also be firm. It sounds like he really needs structure to calm down. He needs to understand that there are X options and now it's time to take action. This situation is affecting you and him, so you need to be involved in finding a solution and talking with him about what's going on.

I would not worry about buying a house. The strike will be over soon and many people our age don't own houses yet. This kind of thing happens.

As for not drawing the insurance because there may be work in the lead-up to Christmas, it is true that there are more shows near Christmas, but I would think (I don't know for sure--it's not my field) that the arrangments have already been made. And if your husband is as upset as you report, then he is in no condition to be looking for opportunities. If he is not already looking for opportunities, then he is unlikely to find any.

My guess is that if he temporarily closes the company and draws the insurance, he'll calm down. Maybe that will help him to develop projects for when his business reopens. Be straightforward with him and tell him you think he needs structure. When the business is closed, he could do X and Y tasks with the kids or the housework, he could get exercise, he could spend the afternoons developing projects. Maybe he could arrange regular check-ins with friends in the business so he is keeping his brain stimulated and feeling as though he is not stuck at home.

The bottom line is that you have the right to have expectations of him even though he is having a hard time. He has had time now to indulge in moping about. Now he needs to step up. I think that if he does have obligations (organizing the insurance, calming down and behaving better, developing projects), then he will feel more structured and perhaps calmer. Good luck.

Thanks for your comments! They really helped. We had a talk and he agreed to close the company now! Also, we talked about him putting more structure into his day etc., so Im hopeful he’s now on a better trajectory.

@Goldfishonabike, I'm so glad to hear that! Good luck. It sounds like things will get better. Also, I'm sure you heard that some of the people in Hollywood ended their strike this week. Things are improving!