I know I’m unreasonable but I need to stop do this to myself

[Grumpyolebitch]

Once again, I’ve agreed to care for a relatives baby, it’s for an important reason, not a social event. I’m knackered, I work and have a sen child and I’m on the verge of tears with fatigue but I’m stuck with this kid for 48hrs. I don’t enjoy caring for small babies because it throws my anxiety through the roof and I can’t do anything else. My own DC is happy enough to please themselves most of the day while I get on with things and I’m still always chasing my tail to manage to keep the house clean and stay on top of work load and my own household. What makes it worse is the intrusion of having the relative come and go from my home which means I’m compelled to run around like a headless chicken to render my house immaculate and can’t just get on with my own routine. The stress is awful. I don’t like visitors in general and never socialise so I have no friends with children or any idea what to do other than walk the streets and go to the park or sit in the house with the DC. It’s ruined my weekend, well it’s ruined my week actually worrying about it, and I’ll be in bed for a day with aches and pains afterwards because it makes me Ill. I always feel so compelled to agree though, I’ve always had no real ability to turn people down even though I never ask for favours, I always pay for help or just don’t do things I can’t manage. Why am I so stupid?

Good Lord, you are NOT being unreasonable!!! Assuming the relative knows your circumstances, I'm amazed that they even asked.

You’re not stupid but you do need to start saying no to these things. It’s clearly not good for you, and not a good decision for the baby to be with someone who feels so anxious about caring for them.

Have you tried any Cbt or therapy to help with your inability to say no? And your anxiety too?

Well first of all drop your standards for your house. It literally does not matter what state your house is in when you are looking after a baby.

Secondly make a big visual that says Just say no, so that you don't over commit again.

You and your needs are important and your priority is your child. That is reason enough to say no.

What’s the important reason?

And how come you need to rush around making your home for this relative?

Do you take meds for your anxiety?

I don’t like visitors in general and never socialise so I have no friends with children or any idea what to do other than walk the streets and go to the park or sit in the house with the DC. It’s ruined my weekend, well it’s ruined my week actually worrying about it, and I’ll be in bed for a day with aches and pains afterwards because it makes me Ill.

this alone warrants a thread OP

it sounds like you are fundamentally very unhappy and stress and actually perhaps not a good choice to have this baby for two nights. Perhaps if you tell the relative this is how you’re feeling, they may decide to place the child with someone else

Is there no one else they can ask?

There's always someone else, they just pick the easiest target.

Say you're ill and back out.

Thanks all. I do cope with life but in my own way, I have a stressful job which I love but I need downtime to recover from. My house is big and old and full of the things I like and it’s just not very geared up for small people now. I also don’t care about a bit of clutter and dust day to day but always panic and think I need to make it sparkly for ‘guests’. I think I’ve become very set in my ways and my routine and my child is much the same and like their space and quiet . In some ways our home is very much a sanctuary for two introverts and our hobbies and crap are left out on tables and stuff and so it’s the adaption to a ‘normal’ home that’s a pain in the arse really. Think musical instruments and art stuff and 25 pairs of shoes in the hall and empty coffee cups on the fire surround, we’re not talking squalid, just not ‘people ready’. I used to be much more organised but my DC likes things their way and I realised that I’m the same so we just do things our way now and I panic when we have to break the pattern of our own happy little routine. And yes I want my bed already now! I do need to either be honest that it’s too much work or buck my ideas up and stop living in this organised chaos and try to be a bit more normal. I’ve not decided which yet.

Cancel. Tell them you're unwell and they'll have to find alternative arrangements.

You say an important reason

so would be unfair to accept and then bail

decline from the outset going forward

I would suggest you set expectations going forward. At the end of this stay tell the relative that you helped them out this time due to "important reason", but won't be able to commit to doing so again. If asked why just tell them ot's too much - ypu don't have to go into details. Hopefully they won't ask in future but if they do then you can remind them of this conversation.

Ah, I get that you are trying to help but honestly recognising that it's just not possible. Cancel this time. Practise saying the complete sentence 'no' then pausing.

Practise in a mirror. You have got this.

You're not stupid, @Grumpyolebitch. Who is the relative?
In my experience saying no is hard to some extent for all women, and some of us learn to and some of us don't, or put it off. Can we help you learn to say no and feel ok with it? At least for next time if you can't get out of it this time?
Although to be honest I think there's a chance you CAN get out of it this time; the ultimate responsibility for the baby lies with the baby's parents. If you developed covid tomorrow they'd have to suck it up somehow. And given that you say looking after the baby leaves you exhausted and in pain, well, I think maybe they need to know that and that you, with a heavy heart, are going to have to back out because it's really upsetting and affecting you thinking how hard you find it. Not ideal but not unjustified.

It’s for essential medical treatment. Baby only has one parent. The rest of our family are highly dysfunctional or abroad so I would never let her down. I’ve always used professional childcare if I needed hospital treatment but this is definitely outside of her financial reach. Although , I could introduce her to my nanny/ sitter and offer to pay for the help instead in future. Of course , I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with said baby, which I think I would if it wasn’t such hard work .

Your home sounds wonderful! It sounds comfortable, peaceful and lived in and the sort of place where I'd feel really at ease!

I do need to either be honest that it’s too much work or buck my ideas up and stop living in this organised chaos and try to be a bit more normal. I’ve not decided which yet.

My advice would be to learn to say "no". I feel you and I may be quite similar; I like my routine, I like to have my stuff around me, visitors make me twitchy. I don't like having my space invaded and my routines upset.

Organised chaos is your normal (mine too!) and you shouldn't feel you have to change it for anyone, though I get why you do. I've become a lot happier since I started saying "no" and almost actively discouraging visitors! It takes a bit of practice but it works 😊

@DoesNotPlayWellWithIdiots Thank you for this. I’m glad others are out there like me! Yes I’ve had a long, busy life and career and I just like to come home and make art or practice music or bake of an evening and I’m rather blind to the mess until it occurs to me that someone else might judge it! Also I worry that DC will develop a strop when interrupted but to be fair, they’ve been brilliant the past few times we’ve had our wee guest and I think it’s all me with the drama now. I have at least cleaned the master bed and tackled clothes mountain which contained a stunning blouse I had purchased recently and forgotten about so that’s cheered me up. It’s a case of suck it up and survive this time, the mum has recently moved house and I’m hoping she makes friends with other mums and develops a local support network, she’ll end up a miserable old bint like me otherwise 🤣

Have you ever considered you may be neurodivergent? You haven't said if that's your child's SEN, but does tend to be genetic so if they are, you may be too.

You sound like me. I have adhd and probably autism. I went for a day out in a city the other day, and it's taken me 2 full days to recover from the stress of the overwhelm. Pretty much all of your posts, i could have written pre diagnosis. Now I'm a lot kinder to myself and i say no to things that are going to cause me too much stress.

First of all, I think you should leave your clutter out if it’s not actively dangerous to the baby. That might make your relative think twice about leaving a toddler with you later.

Your stress and the physical effects of this effort, are worth as much care and consideration as you are giving her financial difficulties. I wish I could give you a hug and take this burden away but sometimes we just have to learn to love and nurture ourselves.

I actually think you’ve made a great suggestion of helping pay for nanny. Anyone who looks after small dc knows that it’s bloody hard work. It’s not about how much you love them. And it’s massively harder when it’s not your own and Mother Nature is pumping you with hormones to keep you going.

Can you just take a couple of moments to imagine saying to your relative something like this:
”I’m not going to be able to look after baby this weekend. But nanny is available and I can help cover the cost.”
Just say it a few times in front of the mirror and see how it feels.
“I’m not feeling well” is entirely true.

You’re worth making this effort for op.

I think yabu with all the anxiety stuff but if you don't want to do it just say no next time. I'm on my knees with pain and tiredness at the moment but have agreed to help a friend out with childcare as I've been helped out by others in the past. It will pass quickly enough and then you need to say no in future