Do I need to tell her if I go on this date?

[GarlicBread67]

Me and my - what is essentially - ex girlfriend are taking some time apart. Her life is really hectic and she just doesn’t have the time for me right now, we agree that we’re not together at this moment in time, we both don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but we still talk regularly.

I have been asked out on basically a date, with someone that I know through mutual people, and I’m considering going and just seeing what happens because I’m feeling very confused about whether I actually want to get back with my ex or not when her life has settled down.

If I do decide to go, do I need to tell her that’s what I’m doing? Part of me feels like we’re not in a relationship at the moment and I am single to do what I want to do and therefore don’t owe her this, however another part feels quite guilty and like I’m being sneaky and lying if I don’t mention it to her?

The reason we are taking some time apart is because she basically wasn’t spending much time with me but was finding time for everything else and I just felt really let down and disappointed and unimportant all of the time.

Why are you hanging around waiting for her to decide if she will have time for you? Message her and tell her the time apart has allowed you time to realise the relationship you had with her isn't right for you and you want to move on so it's over and then go on your date.

If you aren't actually together and have agreed on that then I don't think you need to tell her at all. If it gets more serious than a few dates then yes you should have a conversation with her

This

Be clear with her and move on with your life. You aren’t a couple.

Don;t go out on a date with somebody unless you're certain you want to leave your ex in the past. It's not fair on the other person to be used to see if the grass is greener on the other side, to make your ex jealous (in hopes she'll realise she might lose you and come running back) nor is it a requirement to have a new relationship lined up before you leave an old one. Take some time alone, figure out how you want to proceed with your current/ex partner, either make a go for it or a clean break (so not talking every day or multiple times a week), work on yourself, find out why you were in a relationship that didn't work and what you learned from it and what you need/want from a (new) partner going forward and then start dating. No need to drag third people in your confused state of mind and really unkind to do so.

Tell her you are moving on - sounds like she doesn't value you..

You don’t have to tell her. But I think if you go on more than a couple of dates you should let her know you have moved on.

Go on the date. If your ex wanted to be with you they would. Don’t sit around waiting for someone who isn’t sure. And definitely don’t try to use going on a date to try to force your ex to get back together. It’s likely your ex will panic and ask you not to go on the date, then continue to string you along.

Take control of your life and end this nonsense with your ex definitively. The relationship didn't work, it's not going to work. Don't create baggage for yourself where none should exist.

Move forward free and clear and enjoy getting to know other people.

If she wanted to be with you, she would be. You would be one of her top priorities and you would be left in no doubt that you were important to her. So why are you still giving her this power over your future? Are you waiting for her to decide whether or not she misses you enough to come back to you?

And what are you getting out of this continuing contact with her? I can see what’s in it for her; she doesn’t have to feel so guilty if you’re still friendly and if she decides she wants you back, you’re less likely to have moved on, but how is it helping you?

I don’t think you’re in the right state of mind to be bringing anyone else into this, even as something casual enough as a first date. It’s a pretty shitty thing to do to use someone to help you get over someone else. You need to cut contact with your ex completely. Tell her you need space to get over her and maybe you can be friends again at some point in the future. Then take some time for yourself, start planning your future without her in it and, when you don’t feel conflicted about dating anymore, that will be the time to go on a date with someone else.

Put yourself in the shoes of the person you're planning to go on a date with. It's not fair to date someone new if you are still in the headspace of the previous relationship, and still feel somehow like you should be updating your ex-girlfriend on your every move. I've been on first dates with a couple of guys like this, and it just doesn't work. I was looking for a fresh start and their minds were totally elsewhere. You're not ready for a new relationship until you don't feel like you have to tell your ex about it, and have stopped updating her on your every move.

The reason we are taking some time apart is because she basically wasn’t spending much time with me but was finding time for everything else and I just felt really let down and disappointed and unimportant all of the time.

you've given the reason right there, you know why your relationship wasn't working, so be decisive and manage your own life. Find your self-esteem, why be someone's last option. Tell your ex that you have moved on emotionally from your relationship with them, goodbye and all the best. Don't leave things ambiguous and up in the air.

Once you've done this, you're a single person and you can either go on the date or decide not to, up to you.

That whole situation isn't fair at all on the person you'd be going on the date with regardless of anything else. Put yourself in her situation for a minute and see how you'd feel.

Make sure your ex is really clear on the situation between you both. And tell her that you're permanently ending things and it's done.
Otherwise no you shouldn't date someone new while your girlfriend thinks you're working on things together

Stop being the back up guy, split up, move on
She doesn’t want you, you don’t need her permission to date. Don’t give her power over you

ZOMBIE

Oh yes. Well spotted.