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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To change my kids nursery to aid my divorce?

23 replies

AnnieGrape · 27/09/2023 22:38

I haven't left yet and H doesn't know I'm planning it. He knows I'm unhappy and so is he, but like fuck is he going to do anything about it.

Our youngest goes to a nursery on way to Hs work so he does all drop off and pick ups. She is in nursery there for another 2 years. She likes it there. I could however persuade H to put her in nursery closer to me and therefore I would be doing all drop offs. (I already do school for older kid) I will be doing this solely so when I divorce him I can say I do it all and hopefully get more than 50%

He is a complete bully so don't feel sorry for him. I've never really planned or plotted before and it feels shitty.

Is it a horrible thing to do?

OP posts:

Okki · 27/09/2023 22:54

Why do you want more than 50% - is it so he has to pay you maintenance or you think he's incapable of looking after the dcs?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 22:57

She probably wants them more than 50% because he is a complete bully, and therefore not the best person to have the children.

HelenTudorFisk · 27/09/2023 22:58

Aside from being morally questionable (in the absence of a giant drip feed) if she is happy and settled at her nursery, and you have moved her and used that as a lever, he will simply counter with ‘then move her back to the nursery she was happy and settled in so o can continue to do the parenting I always did’ and you don’t really have a reasonable comeback to that?

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/09/2023 22:58

Is he a good father?

It depends if you are doing it because he's a shit father or if you are doing for revenge/spite etc because he's a shit husband.

I think it's shitty only if he's a good father.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/09/2023 23:21

I voted no, because your child will have enough changes. When I separated my son was 2, keeping his creche stable was a huge bonus to him and me.

The split will impact your child I would advise keeping as much of their routines in place as possible.

NorthernLights5 · 27/09/2023 23:59

It's concerning that you haven't mentioned what would be in the best interests of your child. I'd have thought that at a time of big changes keeping at least one constant such as nursery would benefit them. Their welfare should be the top priority and it doesn't sound like it is.

When did you know your husband was a bully incidentally? Also what does that mean? What kind of behaviours? And to whom?

whosaidtha · 28/09/2023 00:52

You need to be putting your child's needs first. Whether it's 50/50 or 90/10 you will be co-parenting with this man and fostering a harmonious relationship is paramount to your child's emotional development. You are already using her to point score and manipulate. You know full well that it is better for your child to stay where they are settled rather than adding more upheaval to her life when you separate.

Original poster

AnnieGrape · 28/09/2023 07:10

So I'm trying to do it to reduce upheaval. I want to stay in the family home and buy H out but I figured that will be more likely if I can show I do all the childcare and that them staying in the home is best for them. I do everything (i mean everything) excepr this one drop smd pick up as its next to DH work. H ignores them and shouts at our boy a lot. I'm trying to work out how to reduce chances them of spending a week at a time with a man who plays video games and loses his temper all the time. It's not to score points and certainly not for maintance. It's to Increase chances they can stay in the home and have a proper base. And yes he will go for 5050 because he will want to control and hurt me

OP posts:

Weedoormatnomore · 28/09/2023 07:12

How is he a bully? Your the one who is plotting and going to manipulate him. Moving the kids nursery where they are happy, so you can get more money!

Weedoormatnomore · 28/09/2023 07:17

Sorry cross posts
Presume you tried talking to him? My DB just divorced he was happy to have just walked away with the deposit or less but she started playing games so they got into a battle 3 upset kids due to both parents, house being sold so he can get a third to cover mainly legal fees. Only winner is the solicitors

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 07:25

Sounds like a plan how will you frame it? Is it close to your other child's school?

jeaux90 · 28/09/2023 07:26

If it close to the school and it's nice then it makes sense. Do it OP.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 07:28

Who is the higher earner? If you earn enough you can always offer to not claim if they do things your way and keep the option of 50/50 open for when they are older and able to advocate for themselves

FawltyTower · 28/09/2023 07:31

If you're certain you will split, it seems like a good idea to me. I would.

I'd be very careful how you present it though. If it's close to your older child's school you could say it's because there will be other dc there going to the same school, gives them a chance to make friends etc.

PicaK · 28/09/2023 08:00

No. When you divorce you need to put the best interests of the children first, everything works around that.
You would be moving the children for yourself not them. You are so miserable you are losing sight of the important stuff.
Don't wait. Don't live with the toxicity. Get out ASAP (of the marriage not the house)
Do make sure you are down to be the one who receives child benefit. You can be the receiver of it and tick the box not to actually get the £ if you are higher tax earners. This is also important in divorce.

HerAvatar · 28/09/2023 08:11

I would do it OP, especially if it will give DD some time to settle before you actually separate. Good point from FawltyTower and Theunamedcat about how you frame it, what reason were you thinking of giving when you mention it to H?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 28/09/2023 08:14

Okki · 27/09/2023 22:54

Why do you want more than 50% - is it so he has to pay you maintenance or you think he's incapable of looking after the dcs?

Tries and fails to think of any reason at all why a parent might want to spend more than half their time with their children

Honestly what a stupid question. You might make the point 50/50 is in the best interests of the kids, if you believe that (personally I don't) but you can't possibly be really wondering why a mum might want more than 50% custody of her kids.

MrsCarson · 28/09/2023 08:27

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/09/2023 22:58

Is he a good father?

It depends if you are doing it because he's a shit father or if you are doing for revenge/spite etc because he's a shit husband.

I think it's shitty only if he's a good father.

A good father doesn't bully the mother of his kids or the kids, If that's what he's doing.
If you are getting the ducks in a row to leave, do what you have to do.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/09/2023 08:27

Do it

Play the long game

pizzaHeart · 28/09/2023 08:39

It sounds like a reasonable plan OP and I don’t think it’s for selfish reasons. I think sending into a local nursery makes a lot of sense for future relationships unless the local nursery is not good at all.

crackfoxy · 28/09/2023 08:45

Sounds smart to me. I'd do it.

Original poster

AnnieGrape · 28/09/2023 13:31

@PicaK I did not know that about child benefit. Used to get it in my name but then I got a promotion and I was ineligible. Do I need to sign up for it and not take the money?

Our kids will be happiest at home, with H having regular access of course. But I can't allow 5050 to happen. He gets v frustrated with them and i have to step in. Shoutting and swearing. He doesn't know the 1st thing about what they need for school or who their friends are. He might step up but more likely it will get worse as he'll be even more self pitying and like a petulant child than he is now.

I'm trying to protect the kids routines by getting resident parent or whatever it's called. I don't want to stop their relationship but they will be so so unhappy sleeping somewhere else with a dad that shouts at them for the next decade. I'm trying to work out how i can leave this man while reducing the harm to them. Accepting 5050 feesl like throwing them under the bus for my happiness.

OP posts:

Okki · 28/09/2023 17:57

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 28/09/2023 08:14

Tries and fails to think of any reason at all why a parent might want to spend more than half their time with their children

Show quote history

It's not a stupid question. I have read enough posts on here to know that there are parents who want the money. I would want majority custody of my children, but I'm also aware enough to know that would be to my financial benefit as well. My DH is a perfectly capable parent and would handle 50/50 fine, so I'd have no grounds to contest that.

Fair enough in further posts, OP has said he's a shite father as well as husband, in which case, she's doing the right thing.

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