7yo behavior.. Bold or?!

[Anonnymommy]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, 1st post! I want to start by saying I absolutely love the bones of my boy and honestly looking for others advise (asides what I've gotten already) before I approach a professional.

My 7 year old son has been an absolute treasure for years, however in the last year has started to display some very challenging behaviour. I say year, maybe the first 4 months of that year have been OK but now it's hard. I have spoken with his teacher who has said asides the odd mishap he is a very clever boy, listens attentively, has loads of friends etc. I have also spoken with SIL who teaches children with autism and has said she does not think i have to worry (she has never seen his outbursts and as i say hes great infront of everyone).

At home it's a constant battle with attitude (which I'd accept as I know it's part of growing up) however this is him shouting, and physical, his outbursts are intense, and it takes him ages to calm himself, scares the 3 year old to tears and also myself. However he has no concept of me trying to talk with him about it. If I chastise him for throwing a toy etc he will pull faces, not make eye contact etc. If one accidentally brushes off him, even a friend, he will shout ouch at the top of his lungs and go intentionally to hurt the person back even though it may have been an accident. Today's example being his friend stood on his foot by mistake and he ran over to him and stomped on his foot on purpose, so i left the playground and the tantrum started as he didn't see what he has done wrong.

He has no problem having these outbursts infront of people he is comfortable with, mainly grandparents and myself, husband and brother. It's having an impact on family life as I dread to think what'll be next. The latest is throwing himself around shouting Ouch as loud as possible to get attention. Another is telling people he can see their privates (his brother brushed off him playing today and asked could he do it back cos he did it to him, of course I said absolutely not) and obsessed with hand washing.

Again, I adore the bones of my boy, and making having 4 years alone with me and then another child needs my attention is suddenly having an impact, I just don't know if it's him being bold or do I need to speak with someone.

Thanks everyone in advance 😊

Bump

I think some of these things could indicate a social, communication issue but this does not necessarily mean he would meet the diagnosis for an ASD. I would personally start by looking at strategies for helping people with asd and adopt those to see if they help. I would also have a clear consequence for some of the undesirable behaviours.

For instance
Look at when he displays the loud behaviours at home. Is he perhaps over stimulated or stressed after a long day? Suggest that he spend time chilling and resetting in his room with a snack and whatever calms him. Don't engage with him beyond a quiet 'you need to chill out in your room first'.

Retaliating physically to accidents. Do some social stories about accidental vs on purpose. This is very common in children with asd as is the seeming over reaction to being touched accidentally. He needs help to recognise the difference. At the same time, he must be told that he has hurt someone on purpose and there will be a consequence.

Inappropriate asking to see people's privates. He needs some clear rules that he must be reminded of. E.g. We never say this to others. People's bodies are private. You could also ask for the school nurse to speak to him about this. Contact the school and ask to be referred. You could also discuss whether a referral for asd is needed and how to do this.

I actually think this is one of those situations where it is a behaviour issue as opposed to anything that needs to be diagnosed. He's been naughty, got the attention he wanted to fill his 'attention cup' and now its what he does.
It sounds like his go to emotion now is anger. So, I'd look at strategies to calm him. I'd actively heap attention on him for a while and maybe do some yoga and massage with him. I'd get him playing sports. Karate and a team sport would be perfect. Dont reward bad behaviour with attention. And stick to your word. If you say he wont get something (ice cream etc) if he misbehaves and then he does, you cant go back on what you said. You need to really be strategic now and get him under control before the pre puberty hormones take hold. Otherwise you are in for a world of pain.

Why is he obsessed with hand washing?

Thanks for that! He does place soccer and I watch from the sidelines and he gets on well with the kids, it's just when he's at home it all comes out!

I have no idea, my only thinking is perhaps when everything during covid was all about wash your hands maybe and he was so yoing he thinks everything is germs now?! Even the slightest little thing he touches he will want to wash his hands.

I would actively seek help for that. You do not want him developing full blown OCD at 7 years of age.

I'd say the handwashing was part of a bigger issue. Anxiety can show itself that way and the handwashing is a way of trying to be in control. He sounds like he could do with some professional input, not just someone's opinion even if your SiL does work with children with autism.

Holding it all together at school / activities and then letting it all out at home are common features of autism so it would be worth exploring that. He obviously needs some help to cope with his feelings and behaviour.

Sounds like my 8yo although he has always been highly strung. He’s one of 4 and none of the other have the lengthy tantrums he is still capable of.

Actually, now I think of it we haven’t had one for a while - but certainly up until last year he could still have a full on rolling around toddler tantrum for 45 minutes plus!

My son is also considered very clever at school (and certainly by himself - he is always best at everything!) but has a long way to go in his emotional control. His twin sister has always been a much steadier character bless her.