To think he might be gay?

[chariotspades]

It's men that DS eyes up whenever we are out together. Typically his age or a bit older, good-looking. Is DS simply vain and eyeing up his competition, or more likely he's gay?

More likely checking out the labels

Does it matter?

Do you see him looking at women too?? I look at women because I have almost no natural fashion sense and often am clocking what shoes match whatever skirt etc!! (I'm a straight woman btw)

He could be gay, my 16 year old ds definitely eyes up the girls when he thinks I'm not looking.

How old is he?

I definitely had a phase of noticing girls my age more and it was more driven by self consciousness - what were they wearing, were they thinner than me, should i do my hair like that.

I'm not remotely attracted to women.

Maybe have you asked him?

He's 17 and I won't ask. I heard that you don't force a young person to come out until they are ready.

You really shouldn’t ask, he’ll tell you when he’s ready

Does it matter? If he is I’m sure he will tell you. Just make it subtlety clear that you accept people who are gay.

Of course you should NOT ask!!

I’m not suggesting ask outright if he’s gay, but do you never speak to him about his love life at all in conversation?

For most of my life and definitely long before 17 my mum especially was always “in the loop” with both mine and my sisters relationships, very open communication, not in a prying way but we all spoke to each other?

And my DH, his mum and dad were exactly the same with him and his brother. Even now as his brother is still single I hear my MIL asking if there’s anyone special on the scene etc.

Do you not have this kind of dialogue open at all?

That's the thing, we never do speak about his love life!

Perhaps is just you're choice of words, but there's a big difference between "Is there anyone at school/college you're interested in" and asking about his "love life".

And asking the above isn't "forcing him to come out". You don't need to ask if he's gay, you can just make it clear that when he does meet someone, him feeling happy and secure is more important to you than what sex they are.

Considering none of us know him then how do we know his sexuality?

Yes, this. I mean, I've had a (very initial) version of this with my 11-year-old DS, because two of the girls in his class had a relationship, and then there was much drama when one of them turned her attention to a different girl.

DS says he doesn't think he's gay but will keep me posted, which wasn't the point of the conversation, but it was a chance to say that whatever he turns out to be is fine with me and DH, and that it's not like there's a timer on the decision. (Actually, I'm wrong, this conversation came about because it emerged he thought you 'had to marry' someone you just saw in the distance and decided you liked, like a stab in the dark, and he wanted to know how you knew who to ask!)

DS is definitely into girls but he's into clothes, labels, gym etc. so at that age he would've checked out the competition too. At 17 they're just finding themselves and easily impressed by older kids.

I often ask my DS12 about whether he has a girlfriend yet. Or a boyfriend. I only ask in a lighthearted matter as I'm not going to pry.

If its not something you tall about then perhaps you should be communicating a bit more with your son?

Lots of boys check each other out in terms of body and development.

This.

I never asked our DS if he was gay. I asked him who he was attractive too and he advised men. We had a brief discussion about attractive men and that was it. The door is open for further chats etc if he wants too.

At his age it’s not surprising if he doesn’t have a love life to speak of. You won’t find any insight here, only time will tell

How many seventeen year olds talk to their mums about their love lives?

I’d actually say a lot do! In depth, no, but definitely a little “anyone new on the scene”, “how are things going with xy”. If you have open communication with your parents, then naturally you do communicate about things like this with them? Me and my sister both did, my DH and his brother both did, and I have 2 cousins now age 16 and 17 who also let us all know when we see them about their new girlfriend or boyfriend.

Oh god I would've died inside if my mum asked if I fancied someone when I was in high school. Do some mums actually do that?? I'm cringing. My mum was/is a young mum and we still didn't discuss things like that.

OP - I often look at other women when I notice their clothes and shoes and I like how they've combined them. I then make a mental note to search for similar items. I'm not gay.

Nobody except your DS knows what his sexuality is. He might be gay. He might not.

Equally, a boy who never appears to 'eye up' men might also be gay, or not gay.

I think you need to stop trying to second-guess whether your son fancies boys or not and chill out. If/when he wants to tell you if he's gay or straight, he will.

I suspect the reason he doesn't talk to you about his love life might be because he feels a bit watched?

It is - sorry - really weird to be noticing who your child looks at and drawing conclusions about their sexuality. I'm sure you don't mean anything by it, and goodness knows we're the generation who've been really messed up about sexuality (our own children will likely be far more relaxed). But ... don't do that.

I agree with PP is it quite normal to discuss this sort of stuff with children, but if you haven't and he's 17, and he's not brought it up, then I think you're best to leave him to talk to you about a girlfriend or boyfriend in his own time.

FWIW I get the impression that the sort of age when teens want to share details of crushes would be much younger - I have friends whose 10-13 year olds will talk about crushes or speculate on sexuality, but once they're fully into the teenager bit, they may want more privacy.