Would you write to elderly relative for closure?

[grumpycow1]

Hi, will try my best not to drip feed.

Grandad’s wife (second wife,but later in life so not my mum’s mum) - she was first one to hold me when I was born, I called her Nan, we were very close - she moved to Ireland but we wrote letters and she visited often.

My mum is one of 3 sisters and they had a very troubled childhood, their mum passed when my mum was 6.

My “Nan” is VERY close to my mum’s eldest sister. Mum and eldest sister had a falling out 12 years ago when my grandad passed away. After a while I tried to intervene, telling my aunt my mum’s side. She was being a dick though I didn’t say that. But she doesn’t take criticism well so it went down like a lead balloon and she went off the head. Basically the issue is that my mum is the middle one, eldest and youngest don’t speak and so my mum always has to choose one sister - if she decides to talk to one, the other one will fall out with her.

After I had messaged this to my aunt 10 years ago, I found out my Nan had been to UK but not messaged me, which was odd. We always met up. Also they had a memorial for my grandad but didn’t invite my mum, her younger sister or me and my brother.

I texted her, no drama but saying ‘Sorry I missed your visit and I hope you are doing ok’ Well she texted back really defensive & saying I shouldn’t contact her. I was confused so I rang her and she answered and said that she was on my aunt’s side and I should ‘focus on my boyfriend’ and basically have a nice life, bye.

With my aunt, she had also been very close to me as a young child, babysat and had me weekends etc. Then all of a sudden when I was 8 or 9, she and my mum fell out and she blanked me in the street, went full no contact. My Nan didn’t see this as wrong in the slightest though we stayed in contact with her and my grandad.

We all started talking again when I was 14 and a close family member passed away (this conveniently timed with the fact my mum and her younger sister had fallen out)

Sorry, realising this is quite long now!!

Me and aunt are on civil terms now - my mum was very ill and she texted a few times for updates. But she shows no interest in my life or my 2 kids despite she was always nagging me to “make her a great aunt”

I feel a LOT of hurt from both my aunt and Nan. I know my Nan is elderly now but would it be unreasonable to write them both a letter saying their behaviour really hurt me? I would obviously apologise to my aunt for messaging her but I was only 20 and going through a lot mentally. They obviously don’t know it but I had been raped at 19 and had a bit of a mental crisis so the fact of her and my mum falling out again &this making my Nan not want to see me, had really upset me.

With my Nan I also have some old photos of her that she gave me and doesn’t feel right keeping them, so I could also return them with the letter.

my AIBU is that she is elderly and I obviously don’t want to cause her harm, but at the same time how do I get closure?

It’s a horrible situation for you and your mum, but I think you’re looking in the wrong place for closure. Nothing positive is going to come from you doing this. They won’t accept what you say. They’re unlikely to even consider whether what they’ve done is shitty. They’re both utterly convinced that they are in the right.

These two women are completely irrational and are willing to abandon their relationships with children who have never done anything to hurt them, simply because they’ve fallen out with their mum. That isn’t normal behaviour and if you write to either of them, I don’t think you’ll get a normal reaction. It will just kick off all over again. And you don’t need to bring that sort of crap into your life.

I think you should put the photos in an envelope and shove them at the back of a drawer somewhere out of sight. I think you should keep the relationship with your aunt on civil terms, but limited to health updates. And I think that you should probably seek closure elsewhere; maybe by accepting that none of their behaviour reflects on you and that some people are just shitty 💐

Do you think that if you write the letter you will then be able to put them out of your mind or will you just keep waiting for a reaction thus still having it on your mind all the time?

I would just try to forget they even exist.

I just want to say though that being elderly doesn't mean you should not be confronted about the hurt you have caused to a child.

Thank you so much, this made me cry ❤️

I’m also thinking with my aunt - it doesn’t actually help to be civil. Every time it dredges up these feelings of hurt etc so maybe it just better to be no contact whatsoever. It’s because I’m friends with her on FB that I saw a picture of her on holiday with my ex-Nan and it upset me so much that I wrote this post!

Considering how easily these women fall out with everyone, any criticism could lead to you being the target of their wrath.

Write the letter but don't send it. Maybe burn it so nobody else ever reads it.

OP have you considered writing a letter to your Nan and Aunty and say whatever you feel. Then burn them. You will feel better having put it all on paper but really leave your Nan and Aunty to their own consciences. There is no point in causing yet another family row. Your family seems to have too many rows already, do t add to them.

This is a good idea, thank you!