Feeling like I’m missing out/left behind and being miserable about it

[Abbsi]

I’m 25, married and have an 11 month old daughter. I work in a nursery and generally I’m happy, or I thought I was.
My school friends range from 24-26, we went to a small school in the north. In sixth form I planned to go to uni in a big city, become a primary teacher. In reality after 3 months at uni in Liverpool I dropped out, moved home and went to college. I moved from my family home to living with my fiancé. My life is nice it’s mundane at times but it’s nice.
Last week one of my friends was getting married, she lives in London, I was a bridesmaid, decided to go down and spend the whole week with them all. It was basically spending a week in their lives and it has made me feel so boring. We joked the a city 25 and a country 25 aren’t the same. The 4 who live in London are still in flat shares despite making 2- 3x more than me atleast. They have jobs in interesting fields, ones a lawyer, one works in finance/economics, one works in TV etc. They have booming social lives of post work drinks and quick girl lunches in the middle of the work day. There relationships are still fun and fresh even after 1/2/3 years as they haven’t run out of date ideas, don’t live together etc.
Even outwith of geographical location I feel somehow less adult, over lunch conversations were so mature, conversations about politics or economics where I didn’t even know who they were talking about (the type of topics buried deep in the Financial Times or Economist). I’d say I’m clued up I have a good understanding of politics etc. But I felt so stupid with them.

Now I’m home I’m struggling to be happy, I feel so bored. I love my baby and my husband but it’s mundane. Their lives seem to never stop, part of me even just envies the basics of their lives, one lives in a flat share in a modern high rise with gorgeous views or working in a busy city office etc.

I worry I settled too soon, that I should still be going for drinks a few times a week and have time to read about niche issues, or do yoga, go for runs and read in the park etc.
I feel like my relationship is comparatively stale as we live together and have since 6 months in. We’ve done all the local date spots etc.

I feel like a different type of adult, while I’m in family life they are still young and free.

AIBU to feel like this? I’m sat crying at 1am feeling so disappointed in my life like I let myself down. Then feeling bad as I should be happy with my baby and husband.
How do I get over this?

Maybe your friends also envy you OP as you have things that they do not have.

Is it the freedom/excitement that you miss or is it the company?
You don’t mention any friends where you are. Is your DH supportive with DC? Do you spend quality time together/plan away trips?

At 25, you have plenty of time to create the life you want. It sounds as if you’re abit bored with your current career, for example, perhaps you should get some careers advice and consider retraining or improving your current qualifications? That will open up opportunities for you and you’ll meet new people.

Regretting choosing a different path to your friends won’t make you happy or change anything. Instead, think about what you want and how you can achieve it. 💐

Can you move? Do more activities? Travel? You’re still so young it’s not too late to make a change. Maybe this is a blessing as it gives you an understanding of aspects of life that you are keen to experience while you have the time to make it happen.

There is a thread about people's favourite sayings, one you should take to heart:

Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's a different life OP, not better.

I took the London route, my sister stayed in the North. We did what was right for each of us. I'm still slogging away, her children are grown up and she and her husband have dinners out, trips away. I would say her life is more enjoyable than mine but she probably would have said the same about me when she was knee deep in nappies and I was out for cocktails every night.

You've got many years to achieve whatever you decide you want to achieve.

Do you like working with children in the nursery?
Could you expand what you do, work on a SENCO/specialist qualification, move towards management.

If you don't enjoy working in a Nursery and don't have an interest in progressing in that field, then what does interest you? Would you like something creative, technical....

Put some real thought into it and start looking at what is out there, boot camps, adult education, career fairs, entrepreneur workshops, networking event, conferences...

You are so young, you can make your life whatever you want it to be. Finish having children (if you are not one and done) and they'll be off at uni by the time you're 45. Then you'll be the one able to go on nice weekends away, proper holidays etc. Whilst your friends are still a decade away from it.

You're nearly at the stage with your baby that you'll get a bit more of yourself back as well. The first year to 18 months is so relentless then all of a sudden they're small people instead of babies and are just a tiny bit less all consuming. Do you have family nearby who might take an overnight once a week or once a month so that you and DH can do something fun?

What @OhamIreally has just said. I had that lifestyle and didn't have children until I was 34. 50 now, my friends who were settled with children whilst I was out and about have just waved their last child off to uni (our first will go in 2.5 years' time) and are contemplating early retirement! We've a good 5-10 years of slog to go! I'm happy with my lot but they definitely have a much freer lifestyle than we do now (and their children have younger parents, as mine have thoughtfully pointed out). Both choices that suited us all.

By the way, there's nothing to stop you taking a different route workwise when
you are ready to. I started to retrain as a lawyer when 29, qualified into a major firm at 33. My DC3's primary school teacher is my age and finishing her second year as an Early Career Teacher now her children are grown up. You have time on your side and plenty of choices, though it may not feel that way just yet.

I lived in London for a while in my 20s/30s and lived that lifestyle of work and socialising lots. You didn’t see the hard bits - high rents, lots of commuting, crammed in with people, everything costs loads. It can be really tiring to work all day then commute an hour or more each way on top as many do.

I think you are right that country 25 is not the same as London 25. In London, you are a decade away from being able to afford a place, and most of my mum friends were having babies mid to end 30s.
ots a different life style but it doesn’t mean it is superior to yours, just different.

By your 40s you will be winning, your kid/s will be teenagers and your friends will probably have young children who need lots of attention.

You've just done things the other way round, that's all. I had a baby when I was 18 so my life was vastly different to my friends. I'm 33 now and just started a new career, DS turning 16 soon, and I'm now in the drinks after work and lunches out phase of life.

Try not to compare and maybe join some baby groups to try and make friends with others your age who are in your situation.

You can still have nights out with mum friends. You can visit London for weekends more often.
You can have the highlights without the disappointing expense/crowds/relentlessness that your London friends have alongside the glamorous bits. Offer your dh the same time for him to step outside the mundanity of early child rearing years. And it is mundane knee deep in nappies. But as others have sailed, at some point the tables will turn. And remember they’ll be envious of some aspects of your life too.

Hi OP I totally get where you are coming from. I settled down and had my children before my friends - later than you but still earlier than them - and I did envy their lifestyles - they were out travelling etc while I was up to my eyes in kids stuff and juggling my job etc. Now my children are all in secondary school and I have my life back and I’m young enough to enjoy it but old enough to know what I want. Some of my friends just have small babies now and I can’t imagine it! So what I’m saying is that there is a life after kids and there are some advantages of being a younger mum.

You chose your choices, you can’t go back. All you can do is think about what changes you could make going forward. Future study, different jobs, explore different hobbies?