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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to ignore a flirty work colleague?

18 replies

Ytuu4567 · 26/09/2023 21:32

We have been working together for years and have always got along. Both married/kids. This year we had to work on a few projects together so had to spend more time together. He’s a smart guy and nice to talk to in comparison to some other colleagues but lately, I noticed he’s more flirty, compliments me on my work, he’s telling others how great I am to work with and asked me to join his team (I would report to him). He’s always looking to chat/comes over my desk. He doesn’t do this with other people and our conversations do go more on a personal level. Nothing unprofessional apart from that. Certainly no drinks/no messages.

Now I am wondering if I have low self-esteem because I am flattered by this guy and on the other hand maybe he’s not flirty at all and I have built this picture in my head. But what’s happening now is that I like this attention and when he doesn’t come over I feel down. That’s so lame and it’s now interfering with my work.

Apart from distancing - which I am doing now - what else is would work in this instance?

OP posts:

JoinInBetty · 26/09/2023 21:37

If it's bothering you go to HR, that should make him stop.

Pehaps he just likes you, and wants to be work mates

nothing wrong on that.

bur the situation depends on how you feel and how his actions make you fee

Original poster

Ytuu4567 · 26/09/2023 21:44

You are probably right. I didn’t think much of him - just another work colleague but over the years we had a lot of chats and he was always there to talk to. The work environment is stressful too, so that creates an emotionally charged situation too.

OP posts:

Ponderence · 26/09/2023 22:28

If it’s bothering you I’d just steer the chat back to work and deflect the personal questions and sort of avoid him.

it sounds friendly tbh and like he may just think you’re really good at your job thoigh. Although I guess you get the gut feeling which is quite difficult to portray to others .

Original poster

Ytuu4567 · 26/09/2023 23:08

I think it’s just that - the gut feeling. He’s doing a lot of eye contact and he gets very close. Plus he doesn’t speak that way to others.

OP posts:

MinnieMouse0 · 26/09/2023 23:12

I would just keep doing what you’re doing, distance, deflect, ignore.

I wouldn’t go to HR unless it persists, on the face of it he is just being friendly just now.

Iwillnotdancewiththedevil · 27/09/2023 00:40

But also... do not join his team and report into him!

Ponderence · 27/09/2023 07:23

Ytuu4567 · 26/09/2023 23:08

I think it’s just that - the gut feeling. He’s doing a lot of eye contact and he gets very close. Plus he doesn’t speak that way to others.

Well gut feelings come from somewhere don’t they.

Last few months I’ve had similar with a colleague- he went through a phase of blushing when I walked up to him, he’s in the personal space, long eye contact, very chatty and friendly sometimes but then acts like he can’t stand me other times (I walked into a meeting room am last week and he looked at me, went “hmmph “ haha) , a few texts outside of work (mainly loosely related to work/ just friendly) Ive not mentioned it to anyone at work but to people outside work I find it really difficult to explain as a lot of it’s just friendly and is a feeling.

We’re both married with kids and tbh I liked getting the mesages etc from him a little too much. basically I’ve tried to nip it in the bud. I’ve tried to not be alone with him, politely, jokingly said not to text on off days , and just be polite and try to stick talk mainly to work/ really boring stuff - I thought it could escalate into something and I could’ve made myself look like an absolute idiot tbh. My work is hybrid and I’ve not been there ages so I don’t really know my colleagues that well and it’s occurred to me that he might be doing the same with everyone which is gross - although sounds like your work guy isn’t doing that.

I mean if you’re enjoying it and want to engage in extra marital things enjoy it. If not I’d be polite and keep the talk on completely appropriate things- nothing that could be construed as flirting etc x

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 07:28

So he is doing something wrong or you think he is?

If you don't want to be personal with him don't be, but I am not sure you know what you want really

If you want him to stop just tell him not sure why would would go to hr if you have not told him yourself first

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 07:38

Well since you've both been engaging in this and you are flattered, I dont think it's a case for HR. You're not children running to tell a parent to sort it out.

Put the distance in place and stop the personal chats. That should naturally reduce him seeking you out. If he asks why or ignores your unspoken boundaries, tell him you've deliberately stopped the personal chat because you don't feel comfortable with them anymore. If he continues and becomes a nuisance, then go to HR.

Don't tell him you're flattered or indicate you're getting something else from it it any way because that will undermine what you are saying/doing and he might well read that as you 'playing hard to get'.

It's really not difficult.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 27/09/2023 07:43

Are you in an open plan office? If so maybe you could try bringing a third person into conversations. If he comes over to talk to you about something work related, ask someone nearby to share their opinion too. Just a thought. Might not work, depending on your work situation.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/09/2023 07:43

Are you both single, married, in a LTR?

Because he may just be friendly or trying it on.

Only you can gage that and stear the conversation to more personal or back to work.

If he says something overly personal just stop talking look at him, and then say something work related, he will soon get the message.

ReadRum · 27/09/2023 07:46

Suggest socialising with your respective partners and kids.

Londonwriter · 27/09/2023 08:10

Same as others have written here. Steer things back to work, keep it friendly but professional. Hopefully, if he's getting too close, he'll subtly get the brush off without it affecting your working relationship.

5128gap · 27/09/2023 08:21

Firstly you need to be very clear with yourself what this is and where it could end up. If you think he's flirting it's almost certain he is. So don't kid yourself you're imagining it and you've just made a nice new friend.
When a married man flirts with a female colleague usually one of two things happen. Either he gradually ups his attention until it becomes a courtship because he's seeking an affair. Or he blows hot and cold because he's a game player enjoying the attention, or he's doing it to pass the time and will disappear when something new attracts his attention.
Either way, if you start depending on his attention for a buzz it will lead to misery for you. If he's 'serious' about courting you for sex, you will gradually need to give more and more in return to keep his interest, until eventually you cross your own boundaries. If he's passing the time, you will end up in a cycle of highs and lows dependent on whether or not he deigns to favour you.
Unless you think you have the emotional resilience to deal with these scenarios (and an easy enough job you can do it while getting increasingly distracted by your colleague) just keep on distancing.
A married man who flirts is almost always a wrong un. Don't be swayed by superficial charm.

Original poster

Ytuu4567 · 27/09/2023 13:58

Thank you everyone. Fantastic advice. It’s not something I can discuss with my friends, so this has been great to hear.
I didn’t think much of him over the years. Just your normal (married with kids colleague, as I am) - complaining about stressful job and childcare. But then over time he started to include me in his client meetings, asked to work together etc. All very gradual. In the beginning, it was flattering - someone taking a lot of interest in but I feel it kind of got a bit too much (for me at least). Up and down - so I don’t want that anymore. No, he doesn’t do this with other people. He hardly speaks to anyone apart from me and another male colleague. And he’s not inappropriate - he wouldn’t send unprofessional messages or speak negatively about his wife. And that’s what I don’t know - maybe I am just making this up but my gut feeling is that he’s interested. The eye contact gives it away. He’s not in today and it’s been great! I will speak to a therapist about this - as this isn’t healthy.

OP posts:

5128gap · 27/09/2023 14:37

I doubt you're making it up OP. But even if you were, the advice would still be the same. There is no need to have any sort of a relationship with a colleague other than a professional courtesy unless you are happy to. Whether down to your imagination (unlikely) or not, you're not comfortable with this, so don't engage.
BTW, these situations are incredibly common. Lots of people have to negotiate them during the course of a working life time. If you want and can afford therapy, great, but don't feel you need to pathologise something that's most likely occurred as a result of a mans behaviour towards you. If you disengage and the fire isn't fueled you will probably shrug it off yourself.

Original poster

Ytuu4567 · 27/09/2023 23:26

Thank you so much for helping me see through this. I feel relieved and empowered.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ytuu4567 · 13/10/2023 21:55

Happy to report that after following up on your advice things got better at work. I feel much better. The colleague hasn’t been talking to me much - which suits me. Plus we haven’t been in the office together much. So all good. Unsure why I felt like I did before but feel much better now not seeing him/talking to him. Thank you.

OP posts:

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