What do you think our little ones feel like when settling at nursery and beyond

[nurserynursery]

My youngest is settling at nursery at the moment. He cries off and on, but he's generally OK, according to staff.

He's 18 months. My DD started nursery a bit later (almost 2) but really struggled to settle.

I try not to think about it in too much detail, but what do you think goes on with them when they're there without us ? Do they miss the familiar environment of the home they're used to ? Do you think they actually think ' I wang my mummy ' ( in their own baby way of thinking ).

Is this at all detrimental to them to miss their home and parents so much ?

This isn't supposed to inflame the topic, I know it's a sensitive one. But it's been quite tough to leave him. I just do it and push my feelings down, but it's upsetting me deep down.

I just wonder if it's going to damage my children long term.

It is a dilemma a lot of us face. I personally didn't put my DC into nursery until they were over 3 and they do 2 days a week. They settled wonderfully as they were ready. I reluctantly did it at 2 but they hated it and cried for mummy relentlessly they did about 5 days before I pulled them out. Each child is different. I personally feel that if you knew your circumstances meant putting them in childcare and you have such strong worries about the effect it is a consideration you should of given more weight and thought. Yes it will likely have some emotional effect on them but not one they will actively remember once older. It a a triggering topic for most mothers on MN

I can only speak of my own memories of starting playgroup and school, when I was three/four. I know you're talking about someone younger so it might be different but I still remember a feeling of loneliness and rejection. Above all, "why am I here what's the point of all this?" was the main feeling. It didn't make sense to me why I was forced out of the home and abandoned with strangers, both the other children (a big shock finding out that a lot of children were much more aggressive and keen to develop their bullying skills) and the adults who didn't really give a shit about us. I think that was a big thing for me, it was my first experience of realising the world is a deeply unpleasant place, one where we spend our lives forced into situations we loathe. I'm not sure if that's when my depression started, certainly the feelings of isolation and loneliness begain then.

I think it totally depends on the DC, my DS (an only DC - not sure if that's relevant) absolutely adored going to nursery.. he cried when I picked him up . He loved the new toys, different activities, interacting with other adults and DC. But my friend's DC just sobbed and sobbed on the first day when we dropped them both off. My DS just ran in without a backwards glance.
He's always been incredibly confident and sociable, never had issues with sleepovers, beaver camps, holiday camps ... often went to residential camps where he knew no one .... and now he's off to the other side of the world for work!
My friend's son also grew up to be adventurous and confident ... so no lasting effect.

Surely it depends on age? Both my dc have gone to nursery at 9 months old and settled very well. I guess they don’t know any different. 18 months is meant to be a trickier age for it. And a 3-4 year old who can remember it would be different again, as pp have said, either super ready for it and confident, or struggle because they have never been away from parents on a regular basis. Personally I’m an advocate for them going sooner based on my own experience. They’re so confident, learn all sorts of skills quicker by seeing their peers do it, and are both amazing eaters.

I started playschool when I turned 3 only a few mornings a week, it's one of my earliest memories and I hated it. For no other reason than I wanted my mum, I was used to my Aunt minding me when my Mum was at work so I was just out of sorts and didn't really settle. Incidently I started proper nursery school 6 months later and settled really well, my Mum just thinks I was just too young for play school. My sister though had gone at the same age and loved it so every child is different.

Having said that I'm not damaged by it at all. I've chosen to be a SAHM because I would really struggle to put mine in nursery, but at the same time I was never going to set the world alight with my high flying career so it was probably an easier decision in that respect. I also don't judge anyone for going back to work. My mum went back when I was 7 months old and gave us a lovely life growing up.

I'm sure it's tough OP, but you won't be damaging him long term.

I can remember as far back as age 2, and I was in awe of all the toys. I didn't like Gina bumping me on the see saw and making me drop my quavers on the floor though. 51 years later and I'm still salty 😂

Absolutely the same! Genuinely damaged me well into adulthood. But my sister couldn't wait to go, loved it and still has amazing close friendships with the people she met there.

It absolutely depends on personality and emotional attachment/maturity at the time of starting and unfortunately the rigid timelines of both maternity leave and education are always going to disadvantage the children who are not ready.

I only really remember the amazing rocking horse 🐴

If you really want to imagine how they feel but in a way that might be more accessible to you, you could think about how you felt when you started school/high school/university/a new job. How do you feel when you have to go to a party or event and don’t know anyone there? Now try and think about how those feelings might translate to a child. We ultimately need to learn how to navigate these new situations and nursery is just the start of it.

Its why i chose to live in a village and use a childminder who was part of our community.

During my maternity leave my children saw the childminder every week at the local playgroup, we always made the effort to go and say hello, she held them as babies etc. As we approached the time they each were starting with her, we did a couple of visits to her home with me there, then some short drop & go sessions of an hour. By the time i returned to work she wasn't an unfamiliar face, they had seen her home, they recognised the other children she cared for.

Of course they fuss a little on the first couple of days, they'd rather stay with you, but they should very quickly trust the caregiver to meet their needs and settle in.

I didn't like nurseries because i think its harder for a nursery nurse to meet the needs of three similar aged babies, than a childminder who tends to have mixed ages and can meet the needs of one baby, one toddler and one 4 year old more easily at the same time - the older ones need a chat and it can happen simultaneously while a younger one has a nappy change.

If it works well the caregiver becomes am extra person they bond with. My children are happy to see their childminder, she's a bit like a favourite auntie to them.

Both DC started nursery at 10 months, DD1 took a long time to settle, had to be prized off me screaming every morning (2 days/week) although she was always happy when i picked her up and staff always said she had a good day. From around 2.5 she loved nursery and never now is upset or doesn't want to go, even after a change of nursery. She's a very happy, confident girl, which i think is a lot to do with her going to nursery young.
DD2 was never really upset from day 1, i imagine because her sister was already there (although in different rooms) and she knew the setting from dropping off/picking her up, however at around 2 she went through a stage of not wanting to go and being upset at drop off.
So i think it does depend on the individual child but I don't think it has any lasting effect on them, I actually think it does them a lot of good long term

my earliest memories were of being with a child minder. i really didn’t like it. the house was different, smelt different the food was different and i remember sort of feeling on the back foot as i didn’t feel the child minder really liked me to be honest - she was more concerned with her own 2.