Thank you for the above.
There’s a bit more to it so will detail it to avoid drip feeding! Sorry for the length.
We had our second child at the start of the year. I had a pulmonary embolism at 2 weeks PP and baby had bouts of constant screaming every day, for hours on end.
Eventually diagnosed with CMPA/reflux after weeks of that every day. I had PND with our first and this constant screaming left me feeling like I developed it again. I couldn’t take any medication due to being on blood thinners. DH was off for a period of time due to the stress of this and to support me at home as my mental health was on the floor.
He returned to work for a day to trial a phased return but realised it was too much after that day so told them it was too soon to come back. They’re classing that as 2x periods of sickness. They’ve never mentioned an absence management plan until now, when he needed to use the dependents leave. Once he went back to work full time, no one followed up with him as to how things were at home.
I’ve been under the perinatal MH team but appointments are few and far between so I can go weeks without seeing anyone and we’re not doing any actual ‘work’ for my MH. My health visitor was seeing me weekly during the period of DH being off sick and his return to work and told me she’d more recently see me every month until I go back to work but I haven’t heard from her for months.
I’m also on the waiting list to be assessed for ADHD. Things were rubbing along ‘okay’ but my mental health has been on the floor again of late. The problems occur when I have both of them alone for long periods due to his shifts - sensory overload, physical exhaustion and ill health. I’m also incredibly triggered by our baby crying; terrified it won’t stop or will go back to how it was and bound by thoughts of being a rubbish parent compared to how I was the first time. I feel in survival mode and constantly panicked and riddled with anxiety.
Our first does go to pre-school but not every day. We have no other support around us apart from DFIL who currently is awaiting a knee replacement so cannot care for them.
I went on a KIT day (I’m employed by the same police force as DH just not a PC) and came face to face with a volunteer they were employing to work with vulnerable women (ex PC) who was actually a high risk domestic abuse perpetrator towards myself and a couple of other members of my family. I since was told when this was all reported, despite the risk, no one did anything and that some police officers now were saying it was pointless me trying to do anything as it wouldn’t go anywhere. This has also damaged my MH as it’s brought up a lot from the past.
My original post came out of DH going to meet his temporary Inspector on his day off to ask for a welfare chat. He was very honest and explained the difficulties at home and has asked if they can possibly make adjustments to his shifts anywhere, could he move to a different team etc.
She blocked him at every move and made comments such as, did we not think about his shifts before planning a second child (as if we knew what would happen this time), it’s his less experienced colleague she feels sorry for when he’s not there and that he should just look at becoming a carer for me. She even told him it wouldn’t happen, when he questioned what he would do if I worsened and ended up carrying out the worst case to myself.
They’ve told him he can’t have any adjustments to shifts and there’s no jobs anywhere in the whole force to move him to, whilst also saying he’s a competent member of the team and they don’t want to lose him (which is the real issue here I think). They have however, just taken on a new PC into his department (he’s not response) who’s been in less than a year and they’ve allowed to move off response before the 2 years, because of their circumstances.