Can somebody talk to me about school parties?

[Partyfever]

I should preface this by saying I myself struggled with friendships at school and I’m keen to do what I can to help things go more smoothly for my DD. We don’t have any local friends with kids so school is her only avenue, really.

My DD turns 5 in early November. She’s just started reception and she’s not especially naturally good at making friends. She’s a great kid, very funny and smart, but she can be a bit of a loner, eg if other kids don’t want to play her game she will generally just go off and do it on her own rather than joining in with what they’re doing. I get the impression if she tries to speak to them and they don’t answer she will not bother trying again and will assume they don’t like her. Despite this, she loves parties, and I obviously also think she would benefit from forging some friendships/bring a bit more social. During her time in nursery she was only invited to one party, I have no idea if others took place but if they did, she wasn’t invited. This always worried me a bit because on here, people talk as if they were constantly at nursery parties to the extent that they're all sick of them.

I was thinking of doing a whole class party for her, a town hall type thing. I was hoping somebody else would do one first so I could copy what they did, but it’s a month away and nobody has.

I’ve made small talk with other parents in the playground but haven’t made any friendships as such, and I don’t have any of their contact details. I’m assuming how to go about it is to get the teacher to hand out invites, though I’m not really sure how much notice people generally give, and I have a bit of fear that nobody will show up.

But I guess what I’m really wondering is if the impression I get on MN about parties is right. Are there genuinely parties all the time? Should I be concerned that my DD has not been invited to any up until now
(I know school has just started but considering nursery as well)? Are her chances of making good friendships dependent on me having made friends with the parents, or the kids being friends outside of school? If we don't do a party and just take her on a day trip as we have done previously, will it have a knock on effect on her being invited to other people's? I hate the thought of her having years of being left out ahead of her.

Parties in Reception when you don’t know anyone yet are tough.

Teacher will hand out the invites for you (or place them in book bags).

Invite the whole class, expect about 10-15 to show up.

Put your phone number on the invite for RSVPs - this is a good way of getting a few parents phone numbers, too.

Ways to ensure an okay turnout: hire somewhere very local to the school that people can walk to - the school hall itself is a good bet if it’s available for hire. Or somewhere fun like a soft play.

By the end of the year, you’ll probably have been to half a dozen parties and will know all the parents a bit better.

Try not to worry too much.

But I guess what I’m really wondering is if the impression I get on MN about parties is right. Are there genuinely parties all the time? Should I be concerned that my DD has not been invited to any up until now

It really depends - some schools/years yes, others no. It’s just one of those things, nothing to do with your DD.

In your shoes you can either host a party for the whole class or invite just girls or just 3-5 kids yours seems to like. I am not a cheerleader for whole class parties - I find them expensive carnage and you inevitably have cheeky sods bringing siblings or turning up without rsvp’ing or whatever. It’s like herding cats. I’d do something smaller personally. Sounds like it’d suit your daughter better too.

Yes all this. Keep it local. Hosting a whole class party is a bit stressful if you haven't done it before..but go for it anyway ..you will have started the ball rolling and will get phone numbers at least and your DD will love it.
Keep it simple..like a bouncy castle (don't attempt to entertain them all yourself)..
Rope in some adults to help if you have any ! What will you do for food?
Have a simple party bag/gift ready..assume more will come than will reply (you might get some extra siblings!)
Is there a whats app group for the class ? As this is so much easier to distribute invites on ...kids lose them.
Enjoy !

Invites with your number on, bear in mind if your daughter is a loner to try to do something that gears towards her interests whilst also appealing to the masses (crafts/face painting crafts appeal to your daughters interests, bouncy castle/disco if she likes a dance etc)

No fancy dress as people may turn down just to avoid having to buy an outfit!

Hire the hall that is closest to you, those who reply with a yes make sure you have party bags for, any who give no reply assume as you get nearer the date that half of them may come. Don't be afraid to prompt nearer the time to check if the non replies are coming.

Giving out invites now for November is fine.

My son has also just started reception but he's summer born so don't have to worry about this for a while!

In his nursery, he was invited to a handful of parties and, as far as I'm aware, the whole class were invited, too. My DS asked for his own party after enjoying a couple of his friends' and so we did the whole 'big' party at the local soft play. I invited everyone in his class, despite not knowing the parents all that well (put nursery was still following covid precautions so no parents were allowed in the building so I found it hard to get to know other parents).

But, back to your question, you don't need to know the parents on a friendly level. You can ask the teacher for a list of children's names to write the invitations and send them back into school to be handed out.

At my DS's school, there's been one birthday so far (that I'm aware of). That child's parents made up little gift bags for all of the children in her class with sweets and a squashy toy.

At this age I'd either expect a treat to be sent into school or party for the whole class to celebrate the birthday child as solid friendship groups probably won't have formed yet. As she gets older, you might find DD's classmates have smaller parties where they invite 4-5 friends (or even just one or two) and she may or may not be one of those selected. If she doesn't get invited it's a good opportunity to build her resilience.

Good luck with the party! 🎂 🎈

Oh, I should have added around 2-3 weeks notice for parties is pretty average here, I think.

Thanks for the replies! There isn't a class WhatsApp that I know of, I'm not sure who sets those ups and how everybody finds out about it if it does exist. There has been one birthday so far I think, as DD said somebody handed out sweets at school, but that's it.

I don't think I could really narrow it down to a few kids she's close to because as far as I'm aware she hasn't really made any bonds, just one boy she knows a little because he went to her nursery. Whenever I ask if she's made any friends or learnt any new names she tells me she forgot to speak to anyone. I don't know how accurate that is really as she's surprisingly secretive for a four year old and might just be avoiding telling me. I did get to know a few names of kids she seemed to like at nursery, but none from school yet. So I think it would have to be either a whole class thing, or just give it a miss and do something with family like we have in previous years. But I don't want that to be yet another missed social opportunity that sets her up to not really be a part of the group.

She is a bit of a loner a lot of the time but she does absolutely love the concept of parties, she loves the balloons, food and games etc, and she does join in with the other kids when that's happening. I just don't think she realises she needs to actually make friends with these people to get to go to any!

Town hall
Bouncy castle and food. Maybe face painting if you can stretch to it
Ask the teacher for a list of first names, ask them to put invitations in bags and include your number on it. Use the numbers to chat to mums “oh yes Dad talk about Henry, so pleased he’s made a good friend”.

Invite the whole class in reception. Like someone mentioned half will probably be available to attend. Then naturally she should get an invite in return, giving her opportunities to develop friendships. Your daughter sounds very independent.

My experience so far at nursery is that most of us aren’t throwing proper parties. My son has been invited to one party so far. But most of us at nursery age are just having days out or having family round.

I’m told due to the politics and cost of throwing class parties that more and more parents are having a rule where just a limited number are invited.

I think you should throw yourself out there and have a whole class party if you can afford to.

Send invites 3/4 weeks ahead- reserve the date already and minimise other parties being held on that date

Send invites and ask the teacher to place in the kids bags. Please put your telephone number AND an RSVP date so parents know when to respond by. So many parents RSVP late and you need to prompt them. Others just totally ignore the invite and don't RSVP-so bloody rude but you get them (I don't invite them again)

At this age, soft play if you can afford it. Outsource as much of the work as you can and soft play sort the food/tidy up after etc. You just bring the party girl, cake and party bags (take a few extra as you might have classmates that didn't RSVP just show up!). If siblings turn up, you do not need to pay for their entry/feed them/give them a bag. Bloody rude parents if they didn't ask you beforehand if it's ok. Even then, you don't need to make the sibling part of the party.

This then leaves you time to be a host. So many parties I have been to and the host parents don't even pop over to say hi. Yes, they are busy but people always remember a good host and all it takes is a hi/so pleased little Jonny could make it bla bla bla.

You get to meet the parents. Your child gets to play with other kids and will certainly get some invites back.

Always thank the guests for their kind cards/gifts after. Again, a number of parents haven't bothered doing this and I absolutely think its rude.

Have fun!

My son is 5 in December. He's new to the school and having to try and integrate into friendship groups formed in the school nursery, which can be tough.

We were added to the whatsapp group by sheer chance (a neighbour has a son his age and knows the other mums from nursery).

We've done 2 parties so far. One was a children's entertainer in a hall (both classes, about 60 kids - total carnage), the other a bouncy castle in a hall (select friends of the Birthday boy). Both enjoyed by all children.

Obviously if you send some invitations round (via the teacher) they'll have your phone number on and I'm sure if there is a whatsapp group then somebody will think to add you for future :)

A day out rather than a party wont stop your DD being invited to other class parties. You could send cakes in to school.

If you want a party don't over think it, there's some threads on here for what works. We have a pretty standard formula in our class - 2 hours, food of some description and cake in the middle. Either entertainer or bouncy castle or activity of some sort. Craft/colouring in table also. Party bags can be anything - huge range. Invites sent by WhatsApp.Tea/drinks/biscuits for adults.

See if there is a class WhatsApp group to send invites, or ask teacher to and put your number on.

If weather is good then alternative option is cakes after school by playground on picnic blankets.

Big parties are rarer in nursery/pre-school and start in school so don't stress if you haven't been invited to many.

I think a class WhatsApp is invaluable for lots of reasons. I would ask around and check if there is one and set one up if not. You don't need to do anything other than set it up, invite some people and get people spreading it. Makes it easy to organise parties, playdates etc.

I would go class party as it gives you the opportunity to meet other parents. You can send in invitations for a whole class easily.

Thankyou for all the tips, I'm taking heed of all of them. I spoke to the teacher and she's happy to pass invites out if we do go for it.

There is a soft play near where we live that seems the ideal place, but they only allow 20 children and there are 25 in the class. I know some wouldn't come but would it be safe to assume I'd get less than 20? Soft play seems like the easiest thing to organise, but not as likely to cater for big numbers.

Just be aware that sometimes in class parties the kids tend to buddy up and play with who they know from school so although it's your daughters day she might still have to work at playing with them. One good thing from it though is you'll get to know some of the parents more and can suss out if they like to do playdates etc and can work from there on helping your DD form 1-1 friendships outside of school.

Soft play sounds good, maybe put on the invite that numbers are limited so could they RSVP to let you know? Not sure what you'd do though if 25 said yes! (My youngests class would definitely be a 90% turn out, my eldests though probably 40-50% so you really can't tell til they're a little older and have set friendships)

Sending invites now for November is crazy to me. 2 weeks notice is more usual for us but we aren't UK.

@Partyfever, I don't think you'd get a full class turn out but my worry would be if anyone wanted to bring siblings. When we celebrated my son's 4th birthday a few months ago, I had several parents ask to bring siblings. I said it was fine as long as they pay for those children themselves and understand they aren't part of the party (the extra cost of party admission, food, party bags, cake etc. soon adds up!). In your situation, I suppose you'd have to stipulate on the invite that, due to spaces being very limited, you unfortunately do not have the capacity to allow for siblings. However, this might mean less children can make it if parents can't work out alternative childcare for the siblings.

Are there any other options to you locally that would allow for larger numbers? Maybe a farm or larger play centre? If you went down the village hall route, kids are generally happpy with a bouncy castle and food but we've also been to a 'messy play' party and one hosted by a children's entertainer who made all the children balloon animals.