Sen: to not know how to chill the fuck out and self care?

[SleeplessInSolihull]

Single parent working full time with two autistic boys. Two have been suffering with EBSA and anxiety.

I am very stoical usually but am overwhelmed. This hasn’t been helped by one school’s poor communication in the last week, with a large side dish of parent blaming thrown in. I’m working full time alongside this.

How do I start to de-stress myself here? It feels like it could take some time. Any ideas for quick stress relief and how to start on the long road back from self neglect to self care?

Whatever happened in school, happened and you cannot change that. If the contact was awful call the school or email the Head. Then move on. You can't change the last but you can bury it 6 feet under.

Stop being stoic it doesn't do anyone any good. Admit to yourself you struggle at times and that's absolutely fine.

You can't change the past.

Not expecting to change the past. I feel this led to a heightened stress and I just need to step down from this..

OP I feel your pain. Since we started the diagnosis process I feel like I've become a ball of worry: every situation is a potential trigger, I spend my days on edge waiting for school to call, I worry how the hell he will make it through his teens and whether he will be able to live a happy adult life. I know problems and disaster can hit for any child at any stage but we are living them now and it's exhausting.

I somehow need to re-frame all this and accept it while finding the strength to carry on. Other people saying 'only take it a day at a time' or 'try not to over think' doesn't help. I wonder if there's a type of therapy which helps with this?

I find exercise helps. I'm not very fit but I always feel better after a walk/swim/trip to the gym.

The other thing that help me is drawing - you want something that you need to concentrate on, so you're not thinking about the things that are stressing you, but is enjoyable and not too taxing.

I find knowing there are many of us going through this and that we're not alone a comforting thought. The work of Dr Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker (MissingTheMark) has helped shift my lens from one of isolation and exhaustion to feeling seen and validated as a parent. Both host busy FB pages and are active on other online platforms. Absolutely worth a look.
I have just started carving out literally 2-3 minutes here and there in my day to just check in with myself ‐not about whether I've crossed all the ts or dotted all the is, pre-empted all the triggers and supported where I possibly can (which, as you know, is exhausting), but to literally just breathe, place my hands on my heart, on my stomach, and just try to slow down for a moment. It's pretty much all I can do, but I need to 'feel' myself as a physical being, however tired and wired, and acknowledge the feelings and tell myself that its not our fault. It does help to slow my heartbeat which I feel is always racing.
Really feel for you, for all of us, who are trying our best in these scenarios.

Single mum with dd11 autistic and working full time. Life is overwhelming sometimes and I've been feeling very low lately worrying about her future, she's just started secondary and isn't too keen. She hates being the way she is and begs to be normal it's heartbreaking.

It seems there are no quick or easy answers and yeah I agree that the “take it one day at a time” mantra doesn’t really work here.

@lollipoprainbow I hope school are being flexible and helpful and not putting more pressure on.

@EveSix @CloakOfNope @Ffsadhd thank you too. Hoping things get easier to deal with.

Another stoic person here. I'm really struggling at minute as ds who's autistic is not wanting to go to school, we also took on a big housing renovation (mostly dh) but means he's currently less hands on . Plus lots of extra stuff at work.

I find yoga helps, I also love to read and do crosswords so just try to grab 5 min here and there to chill my brain.

Another recommendation for yoga. It taught me how my body feels relaxed. For years I was holding tension in places I hadn't realised. However it takes time and is more of a medium to long term solution.

In the short term and for immediate "fixes" try apps like Calm or Headspace. They have short relaxation meditations where they'll take you through various relaxation exercises. They're only a couple of mins long so you can even do them sitting on the loo! I find them great when I'm getting annoyed or wound up at work to just bring me back down to earth and to see things more rationally.

My 17 year old DD missed all of Y10 & Y11 due to EBSA / Anxiety, brought on by undiagnosed ASD (now diagnosed, now being treated and has started college a year late)

I used to tie myself up in knots, my mental health was shot worrying about school, until I realised… it doesn’t really matter. Education is a life long pursuit, you can study at any age, university doesn’t have an age limit. I also realised “fixing them” wasn’t my job …it wasn’t my job to get them in school, that was the job of various professionals. My job was to provide a loving home, where they felt safe, and where we could work on self-care and mental health. I stopped even mentioning school, what was the point? Wasn’t going to make her go, wasn’t going to make me feel better. The school are the ones who need to make adjustments, and to change … not you.

in essence I just let it go, and decide she would get to where she needed to be, just at a different pace to other people.

Love this ! So much score is put on school but it's not for every child, mine especially!

I don't have the same circumstances at home but for the last two weeks I've been going through an intensive two weeks with work and home life.

I had a "spa" afternoon planned for a friend birthday. Was working right until I went in the building. Nothing posh, about five hours of chat, swim, dressing gowns and a quick massage. But boy the tiredness that washed over me afterwards was intense. 10 hour sleep. Clear head the day after. Yes, I paid but I could probably achieve the same effect for about £20 with a mid-day swim, sauna, face pack, walk and pizza!

Until then I thought I was managing quite well, exercising, sleeping, eating, parenting, housework. So in summary great advice here but also consider a discreet four - five hour chunk (appreciate this is difficult) away from everything with funny friends is really helpful as a reset

Stress is in the body so addressing it in the body can help. It's controlled by vagus nerve so stuff that tends to vagus nerve will help. Can be as simple as humming or singing rubbing behind your ears where head and neck join or doing other somatic exercise (if search on internet or YouTube or insta etc you will find people who demonstrate. Also TRE is easy to learn and do in a few minutes at home. Take a look at David Berceli YouTube channel but you basically lie on the floor and let your body shake. Sounds weird but it's very relaxing

Brilliant! Thank you so much.

@ExtraOnions I love your post. I feel similar about my DS but I can't afford to stop work and home ed and I can't countenance him just sitting at home all day on the X box which is what would happen. OP, I totally get where you're coming from too..I wake up an hour before my kids need too, worried about the response I'll get when I walk in their rooms. I can feel my shoulders up round my ears. No real advice but support groups for EBSA on FB have been really helpful.

My kids don't have autism, but one has extra needs, and I work multiple jobs to be able to fit in around them, so I have a great sympathy with your predicament.

The things I do (fit around the kids, I can't go to a class or spend time out at a gym because of work/childcare):

 Take my cup of tea outside and just sit or do a slow walk around the garden (less useful on winter mornings/evenings)
 30 minute Paul McKenna hypnosis tapes. Doesn't matter which one, it just zonks me out for 30 mins and gives me the oomph to get back up again.
  Sauna blanket (I have this heated sleeping bag thing that you climb in to have a sauna - was a bit expensive, but I do feel good the morning after doing it at bedtime) - hot baths were my go-to before I had it
  When I'm having a long week, I try to get to school pickup 15 mins early and go for a walk. Or if it's raining, just sit in the quiet car with my own thoughts for a bit. 

I also go to bed at about the same time as the kids, so I can get up early for work before they wake up, but that'd only work if you can do that/are a lark rather than an owl :)

Have you all joined the Not fune in school Facebook group? It's a lovely supportive, kind and understanding group.

Definitely recommend it.

Fine!

Yes I have joined that group! Thank you.