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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who do I pick? What do I choose?

5 replies

PizzaPlease78 · 26/09/2023 00:14

I’ve been dating a woman for over a year now, we are very close in terms of how well we know each other, in a lot of ways she is absolutely perfect and I think a lot of her, I genuinely couldn’t imagine my life without her.

On the flip side, she also has like a ‘second’ personality where she can let me down quite a bit, not really prioritise spending time with me but spends time with everyone else and her life is just a bit chaotic and I have times where I feel that there just isn’t a place for me in her life. I’ve asked her to have some quality time for weeks now and she hasn’t made the time for a ‘date’ as such with me but has been out with friends multiple times on fun days and nights out which has lead to a lot of arguments and has put us in a bit of a rocky place because I just don’t feel wanted and feel a bit rejected at the moment and I don’t really know where we stand relationship wise right now.

Someone new, who I know through mutual friends, randomly messaged me the other day asking if I was single and if I wanted to go out for drinks if I was single. She’s a genuinely lovely woman and a lot of people I know speak very highly of her, she has a lot of the things I look for in someone and for the first time since I met my ‘girlfriend’ (if I can call her that right now) I actually hesitated for a moment on what I actually wanted to do, and the idea of going out on a lovely date with this lovely person actually excited me for a split second.

Things are likely to be even more hectic over Christmas due to my ‘girlfriends’ job, she will have to work 6 days a week and then does a hobby every Sunday so it’ll leave even less time for me than she already has… and every time she lets me down or cancels our plans I do slightly detach more and more from the situation. I know I deserve more and better than what she can offer me right now but the issue I’m having is do I have patience and stick around and wait for things to hopefully settle down after Christmas and just hold onto some hope that she’ll start spending more time with me then or do I just leave the situation how it is and take a chance on someone new that is willing to actually take me on dates, make the time for me but then it’s the unknown of whether that will work or not?

I just want to finally ‘start my life’ with someone, have lovely dates, be treated special and be made to feel important, to go on adventures, lovely weekends away and every time me and ‘girlfriend’ try and do that, something always pops up in her life and she ends up either cancelling or making new plans with other people instead and no matter how much I want to hold onto her because I hope that one day it’ll be worth it and I’ll have my ‘happy ending’ with her, another part of me doesn’t know if that’s realistic and actually going to happen, hence the moving on and taking a chance on someone else

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 26/09/2023 00:18

The question to ask your girlfriend 'is 'what do you want from this relationship?'

You are not clear about where you stand with the first woman
This is not a good place to be if you meet woman number 2

So sort things out with woman number 1 first

PizzaPlease78 · 26/09/2023 00:25

@Restinggoddess I have spoken to her about it and it’s like she still wants me in her life but she admits she’s not able to give me her 110% anymore. She’ll tell me to move on and find someone better but then keep calling and texting me like everything is normal.

it’s so hard because I want more than anything for things to settle down with Woman 1 but equally going on past experiences with her, I just don’t see things actually changing anytime soon - she just doesn’t have the time for me and I just feel so lonely all of the time

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 26/09/2023 01:09

You are being had

She tells you to move on and then texts you back - make a clean break.
It's not going anywhere- you are a FWB to her and you want more
Be grateful for whatever good times you have had, acknowledge this is the end - and end it properly - you are incompatible

Otherwise you are no good to anyone

HeatherMoores · 26/09/2023 01:15

I just don’t feel wanted and feel a bit rejected at the moment and I don’t really know where we stand relationship wise right now.

Well you do know where you stand. Rejected and not feeling wanted by the sound of it.

hopefulsandwich · 26/09/2023 01:20

I’ve been in similar situations and I think it’s wise to listen to your intuition. You can’t trust her if she says one thing then acts in another way. You deserve someone who commits to their emotions one way or another and who you can rely on. She’s depending on your pre-occupation with her, the minute you withdraw she will probably come back with renewed interest before she withdraws again and the pattern repeats itself.

Get out and find the relationship you deserve. It may be with woman no 2 or someone else, but you’ll never know if you don’t take the risk.

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