To be put off by bring called 'reserved'

LodiDodi · 2023-09-25T22:17:44+00:00

I had a date which went well for the most part. Pretty standard, walk and a coffee. Conversation was alright, we shared a fair bit about ourselves and made each other laugh a couple of times. We shared a hug when we left and everything seemed fine, like any other date really. Then a little while later he texted saying he enjoyed meeting, but he was curious if I was nervous or just reserved in general. I didn't quite know what he meant, so I asked what he meant and the best I could get out of him was I am 'hard to read'. I've never had this before, and I'm confused as I feel I was actually quite open when we met and the conversation seemed engaging enough for the time we spent. He didn't try to kiss me or anything so it's nothing like that. I'm just wondering what he could have meant, I know it's a bit hopeless posting as you can't exactly watch the date back but has anyone ever been described like this and what kind of thing does it usually refer to? He did ask if I wanted to meet again, but I feel a bit put off by it, as in the beginning it's more standard to hear positive things whereas this just leaves me feeling a bit confused!

KnowledgeableMomma · 25/09/2023 23:21

If you were being yourself on the date and not acting any differently, I probably would have replied with, "I wouldn't describe myself as reserved? But who you saw is who I am", and left it at that. If you want a second date, sounds like he is open to it. And if his comment put you off, say thanks but no thanks.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/09/2023 23:22

I don't like the sound of him.
I put unreasonable because you shouldn't be worrying about how he saw you.
I'd move on. Possibly a control thing.

Lavender14 · 25/09/2023 23:27

It also gave me the weird vibes like is he 'negging' you or making you doubt yourself on purpose but it's a bit early to know from one date and if you have got an otherwise good vibe from him then I wouldn't automatically jump to that conclusion.

I would completely ignore this comment. You are who you are and its up to you both to get to know each other and decide if there's something there or not. You each need to take the other as you find them. So I would continue being yourself and I'd focus on deciding if he's someone you're interested in and if he ticks the boxes for you. At the end of the day if he decides you aren't for him and you've been yourself then that's okay, you don't need to change yourself for anyone.

If he keeps dropping pass remarkable comments about you on other dates then I'd be wary.

surreygirl1987 · 25/09/2023 23:28

Hmmm I don't like that either. Sounds critical already. You shouldn't be feeling like this following the first date. I'd consider not bothering with a second. Definitrly don't change the way you act on date 2 because of what he's said!

Slinkyminky22 · 25/09/2023 23:33

I describe my husband as reserved.

In his case I mean he does not show any 'extreme' emotion one way or another. It can be hard to read his facial expression and I've described him as blank at times.
He gets happy/sad etc but never hysterical/overjoyed. Nothing is excessive. He never bursts with emotion. Everything is always "ok", not often less or more. He only says what needs to be said, no extra words or rambling. He doesn't feel the need to talk to fill a silence. He does more thinking than speaking.

I'm listing these in case you can see any of these traits in yourself and perhaps that's what your date meant.

Do you think he meant it negatively?

kittenseverywhere · 25/09/2023 23:39

It's a first date, you've just met. Of course you'll be a bit more reserved than you will be if you get to know him much better. That's surely normal and sensible?

Crucible · 25/09/2023 23:39

What in his eyes would be behaviour that is the opposite of reserved? What was he expecting? Odd....

IThoughtTerryWoganWasMyDad · 25/09/2023 23:39

Sorry OP don't like the sound of this at all. He's already making you doubt yourself and feel confused about the date.
First dates should definitely only be positive and nice if they're to lead to another one. Trust your instincts. If somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

Original poster

LodiDodi · 26/09/2023 00:12

Slinkyminky22 · 25/09/2023 23:33

I describe my husband as reserved.

In his case I mean he does not show any 'extreme' emotion one way or another. It can be hard to read his facial expression and I've described him as blank at times.
He gets happy/sad etc but never hysterical/overjoyed. Nothing is excessive. He never bursts with emotion. Everything is always "ok", not often less or more. He only says what needs to be said, no extra words or rambling. He doesn't feel the need to talk to fill a silence. He does more thinking than speaking.

I'm listing these in case you can see any of these traits in yourself and perhaps that's what your date meant.

Do you think he meant it negatively?

Thanks for sharing this. I don't think most of it relates to me, as if anything my face can be too expressive and gets me in trouble sometimes. But I do identify with not feeling compelled to fill every silence. To be honest though there wasn't much silence as the conversation just flowed for the whole time, with only one or two pauses, so I'm not sure if I'd have come off as reserved in the same way your husband is.

OP posts:

EmmaPaella · 26/09/2023 00:15

Don’t like the sound of this guy OP. A lovely date and now making you feel confused. That’s a tactic, for some.

Slinkyminky22 · 26/09/2023 00:18

I know what you mean. There's nothing you've said that sounds reserved to me, do you think you were "holding back" at all? Did you avoid talking about yourself a lot or not answer questions fully?

If the date went well and conversation flowed comfortably (which you said it did in your op) then I'm not sure where the reserved comment has come from. If you're not 100% about this guy, if anything feels not quite right then I'd avoid a second date in your case.

Mmhmmn · 26/09/2023 00:24

Exactly what @Daisybuttercup12345 said.
control freaks and narcs like to feel that they know what people are thinking (however unrealistic that is). When they meet people who are self-possessed it unsettles them.

novocaine4thesoul · 26/09/2023 00:27

Just go on date 2, meeting someone for the first time is always going to be a bit odd. If he doesn't suit you, or you don't suit him, then sack it off.

Anothagoatthis · 26/09/2023 00:28

Please listen to what most pp said . This guy is negging and most likely bad news.

It’s not the same as someone describing someone they know like their partner as reserved, that’s irrelevant.

In this situation for a first date to say that to you is toxic. If you genuinely think someone you’ve just met is nervous there’s no reason to bring it to their attention. Any decent guy would either have said no thanks to a second date if it was an issue for him OR he would have went on a second date and made his judgement then - but without taking jabs at your personality.

i suspect he’s trying to make you doubt yourself, and perhaps to break down any (understandable) walls which you may have up to keep yourself safe which is just sensible not necessarily “reserved”. It’s possible he thinks this comment will get you to act overly unreserved if you meet again.

comfyshoes2022 · 26/09/2023 00:33

Super weird comment from him. No thanks!

Original poster

LodiDodi · 26/09/2023 00:52

Anothagoatthis · 26/09/2023 00:28

Please listen to what most pp said . This guy is negging and most likely bad news.

It’s not the same as someone describing someone they know like their partner as reserved, that’s irrelevant.

In this situation for a first date to say that to you is toxic. If you genuinely think someone you’ve just met is nervous there’s no reason to bring it to their attention. Any decent guy would either have said no thanks to a second date if it was an issue for him OR he would have went on a second date and made his judgement then - but without taking jabs at your personality.

i suspect he’s trying to make you doubt yourself, and perhaps to break down any (understandable) walls which you may have up to keep yourself safe which is just sensible not necessarily “reserved”. It’s possible he thinks this comment will get you to act overly unreserved if you meet again.

Edited

This is somewhat why I find it off putting, it's the fact that like you say even if I was nervous it seems rude to bring it up. If I could see a guy was nervous, even if I found it cute, I wouldn't dream of bringing it up because it would surely make him feel worse. Maybe if I continued to see him we could look back and laugh about being nervous, but to say it to someone you hardly know seems blunt and careless.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps there was something he actually picked up on and was worried that I didn't like him, and wanted to check? But I can't think what it could be. I wish he'd given a concrete example.

OP posts:

Anothagoatthis · 26/09/2023 01:42

LodiDodi · 26/09/2023 00:52

This is somewhat why I find it off putting, it's the fact that like you say even if I was nervous it seems rude to bring it up. If I could see a guy was nervous, even if I found it cute, I wouldn't dream of bringing it up because it would surely make him feel worse. Maybe if I continued to see him we could look back and laugh about being nervous, but to say it to someone you hardly know seems blunt and careless.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps there was something he actually picked up on and was worried that I didn't like him, and wanted to check? But I can't think what it could be. I wish he'd given a concrete example.

Show quote history

The only thing I can think of is perhaps there was something he actually picked up on and was worried that I didn't like him, and wanted to check? But I can't think what it could be. I wish he'd given a concrete example.

All of this is actually what he wants - for you to be wondering what you said or did, and analysing everything.If he wasn’t sure you didn’t like him he could’ve just asked if you wanted to see him again.

when I was about 17, a friends boyfriends flatmate - made a comment about me being “hard to read”. I really didn’t care except I felt it was odd someone’s flatmate I met briefly would be trying to “read me” .

Much later we found out this flatmate plays a lot of mind games with people and… he had tried to kill his parents when he was younger! thats a rather extreme example but I do tend to associate that sort of negging with a toxic, troubled individual .

RUN don’t walk from this person and put his comments to the back of your mind!

greenhydrangea · 26/09/2023 01:46

He's made you start doubting yourself. This is not a good sign.