AIBU to expect my husband to help out?

[Mamax1]

So we have argued countless times over this issue and I'm starting to doubt if I really am fighting a losing battle and to just give in. Apologies for long post, starting writing and realised there's a lot of context.

My (23F) and my husband (30M) have been married 2 years, and have a 4mo boy. Im exclusively breastfeeding and pretty much solely look after him apart from the odd occasion (2 nights away and 4 evenings out since he was born) when either my husband takes responsibility or my in laws have minded him. I do all the night feeds, all the resettling, the changing, the playgroups, the planning, the playing etc. all that comes with a newborn. Thankfully my breastfeeding journey has been pretty straightforward and I actually really enjoy it now he's not cluster feeding so much! I complained a couple of times that I felt lonely at the start because I was cluster feeding him, getting used to breastfeeding in general and didn't want my b**bs out in front of everyone that came to see our boy at first (I'm over this now but FTM). My husband kept on saying 'well you wanted to breastfeed' and would say this when I mentioned about being tired because I'd been up on the night feeding several times (still am). This isn't even what we've been arguing about.

So my husband has a full time office job. He works in the office Mon-tues 8-4 and from home 9-5 wed-fri. He is out two nights a week at band practice and then thrice extra a month for another practice that I'm also in and get two nights a month out (we're alternating). When my husband works from home, he is often found taking a nap during the day, be it in the sofa or actually in bed, he is also constantly watching Netflix or YouTube whilst working. When he works from home, I'm still watching our son, playing, feeding, changing, trying to get him to nap, and my husband will waltz in and out at various points throughout the day but does not take charge of anything.

I had covid a couple of weeks back and was really unwell with it but because we have a son, I was still up everyday playing and feeding and changing, be it with as little movement from the bed or sofa as I could get. The house kind of went to pot and became rather messy and a bit dirty at points. I tried my best to keep up with the housework but by the time I put my son down for bed I was exhausted and went to sleep myself. My husband has been complaining that I don't do anything around the house and that 'I don't bring anything to the table'. He is saying he is working so we can have a nice house, nice car, go on holidays etc so why can't I look after the house. This all stems from me refusing to do the ironing. I HATE ironing and would rather clean the toilet multiple times an hour than stand and iron. My husbands one regular job is to take the bins out, but I regularly have to remind him, do it myself and I've never seen him empty the upstairs or food bins. I am responsible for the laundry which is fine except the ironing which I do not do. My husband is saying that I shouldn't be going to all these baby groups and out for lunch if he comes home from work and the house is in a state. I asked him to pick up his socks and put them in the washing bin and he says why can't I do it when I know they're there. I say I shouldn't have to and he is a grown man who should be able to pick up after himself. I also think I shouldn't have to be in charge of the whole house, I asked him to clean the bathroom last weekend and he's still not done it so I guess it'll fall on me. We're both getting sick of arguing about keeping the house clean but im daily picking up after him and cleaning behind him because he doesn't pick up after himself or clean small messes when he makes them. He says it's my job as I'm not at work atm (Mat leave) and all I do is sit around all day with our son or go out and do fun things. I'm tired of arguing about it and just feel like I'm not respected as a mum or a wife.

AIBU to expect him to help keep the house clean and tidy even though he's at work and I'm on Mat leave, or should I just suck it up because that's what should be happening?

Totally don’t think that YRBU however you have to decide what type of life you want. A moaning whinging part or keeping on being happy and not letting his sloppiness influence yr experience of yr home. I totally think he needs to pull himself together and I also 100% believe he won’t. Don’t have much advice apart from the fact that keep earning yr own money and never fall into a complete trap with this one. Pay a cleaner that irons as well. Look after yourself.

I want to give you a big hug. I am so sorry your H is such a horrible man. The comment of you bringing nothing to the table is unforgiveable imo. You grew, birthed and care for his son 24/7. That is incredible. I was the same age as you when I had my first. Breastfeeding too. I would spend all day feeding. Husband would come home and cook and do a tidy. Never complained once. We now have a school age child and another baby. There are days when the school run is done and everyone is fed. That is all I can manage because the baby and child need me far more than the house. I sometimes do a mad dash with the baby in a carrier before he comes in to make the house a bit better. However I do this because we are a team. I know I could leave it and he wouldn't say a word. He knows how hard the day can be. He will come in and tidy or sort the kids while I tidy. But I like to do a mad 5pm dash so we can both chill when the kids are in bed.

There is zero respect in your relationship. I respect my husband day. He respects mine. We meet in the middle to support each other. Sometimes he goes further for me or I go further for him. I don't see how a relationship can function without this really.

I also don't think if you was bottle feeding he would be any better. It is convenient to blame breastfeeding and use it as an excuse for you making life harder for yourself. If he thinks he shouldn't put his socks in the basket because he goes to paid work everyday, then he certainly wouldn't be doing a night feed with a bottle. You would get the same argument from him.

The thing is he is not getting the idea that looking after baby and everything in the house is NOT 1 JOB!

It needs to be broken into its FAIR parts..

1. Looking after baby - yes as a SAHM or mum.on MAT leave that is your 'job'. Though I would expect him to want to spend some time with HIS baby once he finishes work

1. Personal responsibilities - picking up your socks, cleaning the sink after a shave, flushing the toilet when you've used it etc... I find that alot of men and alot of teenagers seem to have not got this memo...

1. Cleaning the house/laundry/food provision - jobs usually split by its occupants according to available time. Not dumped all on one mug!

I think you need to tackle job 2 before moving onto job 3. In addition to not ironing I would refuse to wash anything that doesn't make it to the wash bin for example.

You have not signed your life into domestic servitude. You have a baby to care for. That is your job. Throw the iron out of the window and tell him to do one.

I remember crying at the start of mat leave because I was so frustrated I hadn't seemed to manage to do one job which involved leaving the house one day, I felt really useless. My husband said to me that I had done a huge job - looking after a newborn all day, that he had the easy bit going to work, and that anything else on top of looking after the baby was a bonus but not to worry about any of it, he could do the rest when he got home (or we could take turns looking after the baby and do it together). That's what a decent husband and father looks like. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to demonstrate that expecting a bit of 'help' isn't really even the bare minimum.

YABU to use the word "help" in relation to expecting a grown man to look after his own home and child and wipe his own arse.
I certainly don't think my husband "helps" me. He used the plates, dried himself with the towels, wore the clothes, walked on the floors, made the children with me. Marrying him didn't turn me into his dogsbody.
If what you do is so easy, why doesn't the absolute balloon get off his arse, show you how it's done and enjoy all the rest you apparently have cleaning up after him? How mean of you, OP, to keep all that good stuff for yourself!
If it's too tiring for him to share in around his piddly little 9-5 "job" then is too tiring for a single person to do it all around the clock.
Shape up or ship out time. He sounds like the anchor weighing you down, not a partner.

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Yep.

What does he expect to happen when you go back to work?

Oh and does his employer know how he dicks around when he's supposed to be 'working'?