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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to host christmas

40 replies

Puffinsandcreeks · 25/09/2023 21:49

DS is disgruntled because we don't want to host Christmas day. They hosted about 7 years ago, their choice. We haven't had them at ours.

This would be for their family of five, our family of four, and 4 - 5 other family members (maybe 6 at a push).

Our house isn't really big enough to comfortably accommodate 15 people or seat them for dinner. We also have two dogs (medium sized) and their three children are scared of dogs. We would put them (dogs) elsewhere as they never see these people so would become a bit excitable, but if we said "please don't go in X room because of the dogs" it wouldn't be respected and that isn't fair to the dogs, to the kids, or quite frankly, to us. They would be continually unsettled if people walked in and out and then we'd get nagged at if the children were scared (the dogs are friendly fwiw).

AIBU to not want to host? DH feels awkward as we have been asked if we will be hosting this year and I have said I don't want to. I'm happy to have everyone around for 2 - 3 hours, then go for a meal and go our separate ways, but I'm not cooking for 15 people, trying to squeeze 15 people in to my house, and shutting my dogs away in one room all day because of the hysteria the children descend in to when they see a dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 25/09/2023 22:03

I will add that when they hosted there was only one child instead of five as well so less kids running about, which is where space becomes tricky for us (not that we can seat that many adults either).

OP posts:
Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 25/09/2023 22:29

Absolutely Yanbu op. It's your xmas too and why would you want to host 15 especially if you don't have space?

Shinyandnew1 · 25/09/2023 22:32

DS is disgruntled because we don't want to host Christmas day. They hosted about 7 years ago, their choice. We haven't had them at ours.

So, she (I presume DS is your sister?) hasn’t hosted for 7 years and you haven’t had them at yours. This clearly isn’t what you usually do. What normally happens? Why is she cross because you don’t want to host?why doesn’t she?

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 25/09/2023 22:33

Of course YANBU. You don’t want to host so don’t. Be clear about that with your ex and give the people that asked that message straight away.

I assume you are not expecting others to host either but they are choosing to offer when they have hosted previously.

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:29

So, she (I presume DS is your sister?) hasn’t hosted for 7 years and you haven’t had them at yours. This clearly isn’t what you usually do. What normally happens? Why is she cross because you don’t want to host?why doesn’t she?

Yes my sister. We have been going to parents/in laws in the mean time, or just having the day at home with our own families. She says she is waiting for us to have "our turn" despite the fact I've never agreed to it.

DH feels like we should do it at least once because everyone else has done it but that isn't how it works IMO, there isn't a "I will host if you host" expectation around days like Christmas, usually if you host it is because you want to. In honesty if I hosted, I would have a terrible day, because I can't think of anything worse than having a cramped house and cooking for 15.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:30

To clarify, by DS I mean my sister, not my son (all children are under 10).

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 09:32

Blame the ddogs!! Promise when ddogs are around no longer you will host..... Dsis wants an easy Christmas imo...

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 09:37

I'm happy to have everyone around for 2 - 3 hours, then go for a meal and go our separate ways, but I'm not cooking for 15 people, trying to squeeze 15 people in to my house, and shutting my dogs away in one room all day because of the hysteria the children descend in to when they see a dog.

Say this!

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 09:40

there isn't a "I will host if you host" expectation around days like Christmas I beg to differ especially when there are elderly relatives in the picture.

I think you should tell her why you are uncomfortable hosting - re the dogs.

Regarding space though - very few people are able to comfortably seat 15 people, they just make do for the meal and everyone mucks along with it.

NoGNoDNoClue · 26/09/2023 09:43

Out of curiosity - when you go to Christmas at someone else's house, do you help out with cooking/prepping/clearing up?

IhearyouClemFandango · 26/09/2023 09:45

I agree with you but only because of the dog thing, that alone is reason enough to say no.

This is a little unreasonable though: "In honesty if I hosted, I would have a terrible day, because I can't think of anything worse than having a cramped house and cooking for 15."

Most people find this stressful, as will the people who host you every other time.

BMW6 · 26/09/2023 09:45

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 09:37

I'm happy to have everyone around for 2 - 3 hours, then go for a meal and go our separate ways, but I'm not cooking for 15 people, trying to squeeze 15 people in to my house, and shutting my dogs away in one room all day because of the hysteria the children descend in to when they see a dog.

Say this!

Perfect reply to her demand!

If she keeps on about it just tell her to FO

Shinyandnew1 · 26/09/2023 09:49

IhearyouClemFandango · 26/09/2023 09:45

I agree with you but only because of the dog thing, that alone is reason enough to say no.

This is a little unreasonable though: "In honesty if I hosted, I would have a terrible day, because I can't think of anything worse than having a cramped house and cooking for 15."

Most people find this stressful, as will the people who host you every other time.

To be fair on the op, she does say, We have been going to parents/in laws in the mean time, or just having the day at home with our own families. so it isn’t clear whether someone else has been hosting 15 people every year or whether they just don’t get together in those numbers usually.

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:50

Blame the ddogs!! Promise when ddogs are around no longer you will host..... Dsis wants an easy Christmas imo...

There won't be a Christmas without dogs, we are very outdoorsy and enjoy having them. Both our dogs are very placid around children and we have suggested going on some quiet walks together (so the kids have space to move away and dogs are distracted) to help get the children used to them but they have never taken us up on that. This would make family gatherings a lot easier, I'd still be happy to put the dogs away but it would be a lot easier if the children had some exposure to them, and visa versa, as when the dogs needed to pop for a wee then the children wouldn't start screaming.

  • I beg to differ especially when there are elderly relatives in the picture.

I think you should tell her why you are uncomfortable hosting - re the dogs.

Regarding space though - very few people are able to comfortably seat 15 people, they just make do for the meal and everyone mucks along with it.*

What do elderly relatives have to do with it? Genuine question, not being horrible. I assume that if you want to host, you host, if you don't, you don't. You shouldn't automatically assume others will just because you have one time. Also none of the people that would be coming are elderly, we don't have grandparents around anymore and our parents aren't elderly.

With the space, we literally don't have it. We can seat maybe 6 - 8 people across two tables and everyone else would be on the sofas (can get another 5 people on those), that leaves a few unseated. I'd rather people didn't eat Christmas Dinner on my sofas because a few members of the family are notorious for spilling gravy everywhere. The house would be very crowded (sardine tinned) for the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:54

so it isn’t clear whether someone else has been hosting 15 people every year or whether they just don’t get together in those numbers usually.

The only people that host 15 are DHs parents because they have a big house (they don't have a hard time finding space) and a very very large oven. They have done it maybe 3 times. One of them is also a head chef at a restaurant so enjoys cooking and usually does it over a couple of days. Otherwise we either do much smaller numbers or just spend Christmas with our own families, in our own homes. When DS hosted, there was only one child, now there are 5 under 10s.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 26/09/2023 09:59

Would you be interested in hosting drinks on another day eg Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Something that works for you in terms of the space you have and time you have?

It might stop her asking and it’s nice to have a family get together.

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:59

Out of curiosity - when you go to Christmas at someone else's house, do you help out with cooking/prepping/clearing up?

I usually bring a starter and a dessert, and help with setting the table and clearing away. Will bring some nibbles too like chocolate or crisps and dip as we usually have things out to snack on through the day. This is just good manners IMO. DSis usually helps too but DBIL doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:03

Would you be interested in hosting drinks on another day eg Xmas Eve or Boxing Day? Something that works for you in terms of the space you have and time you have?
It might stop her asking and it’s nice to have a family get together.

I offered to do this last year as an alternative but they said no because they like to have the days around Christmas in their own home. My suggestion was nibbles (buffet style finger food) and a few drinks at late afternoon on Christmas eve.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 10:03

What do elderly relatives have to do with it?

All the scenarios I've known, sibling discuss and plan to take it in turns to host the elderly relatives to make sure they're not left alone.

Absolutely there's a sense of obligation, though it's not binding an absolute. And is adjusted based on how much space each has. The others then pull their weight accordingly.

NoGNoDNoClue · 26/09/2023 10:07

Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 09:59

Out of curiosity - when you go to Christmas at someone else's house, do you help out with cooking/prepping/clearing up?

I usually bring a starter and a dessert, and help with setting the table and clearing away. Will bring some nibbles too like chocolate or crisps and dip as we usually have things out to snack on through the day. This is just good manners IMO. DSis usually helps too but DBIL doesn't.

I was just curious because I could understand her perspective if she felt you were all take and no give.

But no, it sounds like you are doing your share, so it's not that! Maybe think about (if you haven't) inviting them over for dinner - not everyone, just the DSis and her family - sometime? Just to show willing to host them, even if it's not for Christmas.

talknomore · 26/09/2023 10:07

If your FIL hosts would her family be invited there?

Mmhmmn · 26/09/2023 10:07

Stick to your guns. It’s stressful enough if you DO want to do it! No-one should be telling other people how they should spend Christmas.

Original poster
Puffinsandcreeks · 26/09/2023 10:08

*All the scenarios I've known, sibling discuss and plan to take it in turns to host the elderly relatives to make sure they're not left alone.

Absolutely there's a sense of obligation, though it's not binding an absolute. And is adjusted based on how much space each has. The others then pull their weight accordingly.*

Ah I see. We lost our grandparents when we were quite young so no elderly relatives or relatives on their own. If this was the case I'd accommodate without hesitation (although the children being scared of the dogs thing still poses an issue, but IMO Dsis should start taking me up on my offers to help the children get used to the dogs)

OP posts:
Spareus · 26/09/2023 10:10

Say yes and though the dogs will not be shut in a room all day - take it or leave it!

Flatandhappy · 26/09/2023 10:14

Of course YANBU, you just don’t have the space. You have offered an alternative, your sister doesn’t want that, her choice. I think it is the height of CFery to expect someone else to host 15 people for Christmas, if she wants a big do let her host it.