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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sad about vasectomy

26 replies

CactusRose · 25/09/2023 20:55

My DH and I have two gorgeous girls aged 4 and 18 months. DH has always said he only wants two, I desperately want a third. However, I have always been firm that a third child should be a joint decision: I would never push him into it and certainly never manufacture an "accident". I know that there are many reasons why not to have a third - mostly financial. I know that it would be very hard on our relationship. I know all these things (and they are valid arguments) but I also feel like our family isn't complete and I know I will always be sad about that. It's not that I want a third newborn, although I would love that. It's that I want another whole person: another baby at the breast, another 7 year old learning to play piano, another teenager's first heartbreak, another grown up coming home and raiding the fridge. When I think about that not happening, I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

Anyway, we discussed it and agreed on a vasectomy. Well, least we agreed that this seemed like a logical long-term contraception option. When we agreed, the waiting list was so long I suppose I thought/hoped he would change his mind. Our youngest was still a tiny baby then, and a lot has changed since he went on the list. However, next Friday is V-day and he's still certain. I am completely heartbroken. I really support my husband's choice because I don't want him to be forced into a third baby he doesn't want. I know he has weighed this carefully and hasn't made the decision light-heartedly. I feel terrible, because I am just so sad. I can't stop crying and he is feeling guilty and shit about something which he can't change either.

How do I get past this? Am I being a complete arsehole to be making him feel guilty about something we agreed on?

OP posts:

Popskipiekin · 25/09/2023 21:01

I voted YABU as yes, making him feel guilty about a decision you have made together and which you see the logic in - this is unreasonable and I’m sure you know it.
BUT YANBU to be mourning the loss of your future 3rd child and the future you imagined as a family of 5. I’m sure it will take a period of adjustment. But you can’t have a 3rd with a man who doesn’t want a baby, you’ve spelled out all the reasons why not, so you will have to work on accepting your beautiful family of 4 and making peace with what you once imagined. My own family isn’t made up of the parts I once hoped it would be, and I really struggled for a long time to accept I couldn’t change this, and to move away from wanting to, but someone once told me that every family is beautiful in its own way, and I really try to live that and embrace it. I hope you will be able to as well.

Twatdog · 25/09/2023 21:21

How are you supporting his choice, when you 'can't stop crying', making him feel guilty and using emotive language like 'heartbroken'?

NnarcissaMalfoy · 25/09/2023 21:25

I don't think you're making him feel guilty, you're allowed to feel sad and shouldn't have to suppress it! It's a very difficult thing, you're grieving and you should allow yourself that and he should support you with those feelings rather than saying you're making him feel bad. Of course he should still have the vasectomy if it's what he wants but you're allowed to feel sad about it until those feelings naturally abate, however long that takes

Chocolatepopcorn · 25/09/2023 21:46

Being pragmatic, you don't even know if you would conceive easily or you might have a child with disabilities. My friend's third child has downs syndrome. You've lucked out already with two healthy children. Enjoy it.

Original poster

CactusRose · 25/09/2023 21:50

Just to be clear - I'm not trying to make him feel guilty because I do genuinely believe it is his choice. Much like I believe in a woman's right to choose, I believe in a man's right to determine what happens to his body too. But, I am inadvertently making him feel guilty because I'm not very good at hiding my sadness. I hope that makes a bit more sense.

OP posts:

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 25/09/2023 22:48

I have four, it is hell.

Ginger1982 · 25/09/2023 23:14

Nicely, you need to get a grip. Crying constantly about this must be very waring for your DH. You're very lucky to have 2 beautiful children. Your feelings are valid, but you need to get a hold of them now.

DonnaBanana · 25/09/2023 23:15

I want another whole person: another baby at the breast, another 7 year old learning to play piano, another teenager's first heartbreak, another grown up coming home and raiding the fridge.

You write as if you have experienced these things and miss them (which would be a reasonable feeling, I think) but if you have a 4 year old and 18 month old, you aren't even close to having all of these experiences and still get to have them all twice anyway.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/09/2023 23:34

I would delay it until you are both certain. Use other methods.

TrishM80 · 25/09/2023 23:36

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/09/2023 23:34

I would delay it until you are both certain. Use other methods.

Not her decision to make

KeepTheTempo · 25/09/2023 23:57

DonnaBanana · 25/09/2023 23:15

I want another whole person: another baby at the breast, another 7 year old learning to play piano, another teenager's first heartbreak, another grown up coming home and raiding the fridge.

This. And having kept going after 2 myself - if you're someone who will miss this, you won't necessarily miss it less after the 2nd or 3rd time. Maybe not even the 7th time.

But what you do miss is the ability to actually focus on these moments. I'd never change my kids, and think I'd always have felt wistful with one, but as my kids get older I also see how much more input and time can go into kids who are onlys or one of 2. You will have time to have a parent at every ballet recital or football match, you'll remember the first days at school because they won't have been lost in a blur of baby vomit and secondary school homework app reminders, you will get to do those piano lessons at £30 (!!) per half hour because you won't have been sent half way to bankruptcy just by the start of year uniform bill.

Make the most of the focus and time you have, and of them being close in age, and while you don't need to fake happiness, maybe a bit of a brave face would be good.

Clariee45 · 26/09/2023 00:06

I would be honest with him about feeling really sad about how it makes it all so final, however you respect it is his decision

crumblingschools · 26/09/2023 00:10

Would your feelings stop at 3 children?

kittenseverywhere · 26/09/2023 00:11

Just as having a child should be something you both agree on, I think permanent contraception should be something both partners are comfortable with as well.

I admit I cried when my partner was about to have his vasectomy. I never wanted to make it permanent, I agreed because he was having some mental health difficulties at the time and I felt I had to do it for him. (I had to sign the form too). He decided not to do it since I felt so strongly. Later, when he did do it, we were both accepting of it and it was the right time for both. I think that has been better for us.

pinkdelight · 26/09/2023 00:13

It's bizarre to me to mourn the loss of things that haven't even happened with the two DC you already have and may well not happen with them never mind this phantom third child you're idealising. What difference does it make if DC1 or 2 raids the fridge or plays the piano vs 3? Would it help to reimagine DC3 nicking from your purse or calling you horrible names? Even if you can't get to that, I do think this:

"I also feel like our family isn't complete and I know I will always be sad about that."

Is a self-fulfilling prophecy and entirely within your power to change, with professional help if needs be. You don't know that you'll always be anything, life isn't like that and parenting teaches you to expect the unexpected. Decide that your family is complete and treasure them. Something else is going on if you're longing for more when your life is so full:

Catsmere · 26/09/2023 08:43

I also feel like our family isn't complete and I know I will always be sad about that

So you'll effectively be sending the message that your two children aren't enough, and it's quantity rather than quality you want ... I'd say focus on the real children you have, not the hypothetical perfect ones you are imagining.

Didimum · 26/09/2023 08:47

I would get some personal counselling to address your feelings and work towards accepting this.

RampantIvy · 26/09/2023 12:42

Am I being a complete arsehole to be making him feel guilty about something we agreed on?

Kindly, but yes you are.

I agree with @Ginger1982, @DonnaBanana and @pinkdelight

another teenager's first heartbreak

Be careful what you wish for. Parenting teenagers is hard - very hard. When a small child gets upset you can kiss it better. When a teenager is hurt the emotional support they require is out of proportion compared to comforting a four year old. When they are being bullied or have friendship issues at school I can guarantee that you will worry and lose more sleep than when they are small.

Teenagers are expensive - school uniform, other clothes, food, each will require a mobile, each will require a laptop. You will be expected to help support them through university to the tune of several thousand pounds.

Then you have the stress of GCSEs x 3, A levels x 3, UCAS x 3.

Can I suggest that you read some of the teenager, further education and higher education threads for a dose of reality.

allhellcantstopusnow · 26/09/2023 12:54

It's that I want another whole person: another baby at the breast, another 7 year old learning to play piano, another teenager's first heartbreak, another grown up coming home and raiding the fridge. When I think about that not happening, I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

This is a bit ridiculous. You've not done most of that once yet, let alone wanting it for a third time.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 26/09/2023 13:15

Your allowed to grieve, but the sounds of it... you have both agreed on it. These feelings might not go away... they might not go away with a 3rd baby.
But you have always known he wanted 2 children. Him having this vasectomy now closes this chapter and you can now focus the next chapter of your life.

You need to focus on the good things... you are incredibly lucky to have been blessed with 2 children.
I would have loved it.. but it took us a long time to conceive our daughter.... secondary infertility and now my husband has developed epilepsy.... so things are out of our control..... I can't get rid of the baby things yet (they are in storage and I'll deal with that when my husbands health is stable).
But at the moment my main focus is how lucky I am to have a lovely husband and our daughter xx

Sapphire387 · 26/09/2023 13:39

Obviously it is your husband's choice but these things do have an impact on the relationship as they do affect both partners. Just like if a woman has a termination - of course it is her choice, but it may well affect her partner too.

I think the thing is - is he ever going to change his mind about a third? Because if he isn't, he might as well go ahead with it. If there is even the slightest doubt in his mind, he should probably delay.

YANBU to be upset at the finality and to mourn your dream of having three children. You feel how you feel.

I hope you two can talk it through, again.

avemariiiaa · 26/09/2023 13:43

You have two children who are still very young, and have a family unit.

Some people would give anything for that.

You need to get a grip of your feelings.

Leggytigberk · 26/09/2023 14:15

And please don't get a puppy and call it a fur baby!
Immerse yourself in the family you have make it stronger. Doing it right with two is not always easy.

Topseyt123 · 26/09/2023 14:50

You aren't unreasonable to feel the way you feel at all, but neither is he. That's the difficulty with these issues as compromise just isn't possible. And heavy sadness is visceral and very hard to hh

I remember feeling quite emotional many years ago just after our third baby had been born. We knew and fully agreed that we were three and done and DH arranged a vasectomy. I felt sad not because it wasn't the right decision for us (it was) but because we were finally closing the door on the childbearing chapter of our lives. I certainly came to fully accept it over time though.

I do feel sorry for both you and your DH. Neither of you are being unreasonable, you both feel the way you feel. Ultimately though, he can't be made to want another baby if he is adamant that he doesn't and the vasectomy is the way forward. At least he is trying to take responsibility for his contraception. All too often on here we hear about men who don't and who are then horrified when their partner becomes pregnant, as if they have no idea how babies are made.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 26/09/2023 15:19

Given that your children are still young and you are talking sentimentally about future piano lessons, I think you are really romanticising what it’s like to have three teenagers. Any of the three may simply not be the sort of wonderfully easy to cope with teenager you seem to be sure that they will be. The third may have very difficult additional needs that make it hard to cope with three children. You just don’t know. You’re mourning the loss of a maternal fantasy, in a way. The reality is that it’s going to put real pressure and stress on your husband who is happy with what he already has.

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