To not attend hen do as a bridesmaid

[Hellohola98765]

my childhood friend, who I am a bridesmaid for. Is having a ‘sten do’ (both hens and stags together) this was originally going to be something low key and fairly local. It has now become a weekend away 3.5 hours drive from me and costing £300. I know no-one else attending and no-one else is driving from my area. I am currently on maternity leave and struggling financially.

I also return to work after over a year off the day after I would return from the weekend away, I am getting fairly anxious about my RTW and feel I want to spend time with my daughter before our lives and routine change.

My DD is 12 months old and still breastfed (I know she would be absolutely fine and doesn’t need the breastmilk anymore) but it would mean I would need to pump etc whilst I was away as well. I know no-one else attending and the whole thing is worrying me, including the 3.5 hour solo drive after not driving very far over the past year during mat leave.

I am just really anxious about the whole situation and cannot afford it at all but I don’t know if it’s selfish of me not to attend for the reasons above.

Don’t get into financial hardship for a hen do.

Did you post this yesterday too? I think it was identical apart from the baby being 10 months old. If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it, but if you can then I think you should go seen as you’ve agreed to be a bridesmaid.

Just tell her that the change of plan means you can no longer afford to attend and that you'll be needing that weekend to prepare for going back to work anyway.

YANBU. If she's a good enough friend for you to be her bridesmaid, you should be able to have an honest chat with her about it. I'd never expect anyone to spend that kind of money on what is essentially a party for me. I'm guessing she's expecting a wedding present too? Just say you can't afford it. You should also be able to explain about the long drive and not knowing anyone. A good friend will get it.

Dont go… all the reasons you state are more than valid, explain to bride and apologise- she will understand! Sounds like a big group going, I’m sure you’ll be missed but it shouldn’t be a big deal! The only thing I would say is tell her as soon as possible. I recently had a destination wedding (very select guest list) my friend kept saying she was booking the tickets and lead me to believe she had done so only to tell me 2 month before hand that she hadn’t and wasn’t able to attend. I completely understood she couldn’t come (because of money) but I was a bit pissed off that she didn’t tell me sooner as I would have invited someone else in her place and had to amend lots of things last minute!

Do you already have a thread on this?

No I haven’t, this is my first thread. It must be someone else with a similar situation x

When you agreed to go what did you agree to? Before it changed to this? I wouldn't worry about going, I know people on MN can't stand hen do's. I dont think that way but if you can't afford it and you want to be with your family then so be it.

Sounds like a night mare. I don't think anyone could reasonably expect you to go. Just tell your friend sorry as I has grown bigger/more expensive/further away it is not possible for you to go.

Can you offer to take your friend out for your own small celebration instead. A meal (at somewhere reasonable that does an offer for two courses or similar). Or something else that you would both enjoy.

YANBU. These are valid reasons. If the bride is a true friend she will understand. If she doesn’t then it’s not a friendship you want to be in. Explain your situation like you have done here and if she’s worth her salt she’ll tell you not to sweat it. If money allows try and take her out for drinks or a nice meal instead or cook for her at home.

I wouldn'tattend, if anything for the wanky term of a Sten do!

Definitely don't go. I know it's a long drive but could you say return if? Or do 1 night to show an interest.

Of course it's totally reasonable to want to spend that time with your little one before rtw. Tbh I didn't leave my kids overnight till quite a bit later than that. If you can facilitate a mad day return somehow I'd suggest that as an olive branch.