To expect co-parenting to be easier than this?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 17:50

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 17:45

My idiot of an exH has mucked up childcare arrangements yet again. It is constant. I am at the end of my tether.

fails to communicate, ‘forgets’ arrangements, is difficult to pin down when making plans. When he has the kids, I have to walk him through arrangements for that day which have stayed the same for years.

Is this abusive behaviour? Or is he really that stupid?

either way, does anyone have any idea how to tackle this?

Weaponized incompetence.

Tell him you need to have a chat. Give clear examples of what he's done and the impact it's had on you and suggest what he could do to make things flow easier. I've said something like 'this is clearly something you find hard so I want to help you if I can' they then get all defensive and want to prove you wrong

Original poster

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 17:57

🙄
@Unexpectedlysinglemum The name is weaponisedcompetence - it’s a user name.

I haven’t called myself weaponisedincompetence because I’m the competent one!

OP posts:

00100001 · 25/09/2023 17:59

Why tell him the arrangements for the day over and over again?

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 18:00

@Weaponisedcompetence I think you've missed the point of @Unexpectedlysinglemum 's post - she's describing your existence behaviour as weaponised incompetence, not yours.

I agree with the suggestion to keep a (electronic) paper trail

Densol57 · 25/09/2023 18:08

I just used to prepare a written rota for mine.
I never controlled what he did with the kids when it was his time.
Are you being too prescriptive on his days ?

towriteyoumustlive · 25/09/2023 18:14

Well he was smart enough to figure out which hole to put his willy in to make a baby, so I'm sure he is smart enough to figure out a routine.

Stop telling him. Drop them off then pick them up at the end. He can deal with the in-between bit.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 18:33

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 18:00

@Weaponisedcompetence I think you've missed the point of @Unexpectedlysinglemum 's post - she's describing your existence behaviour as weaponised incompetence, not yours.

I agree with the suggestion to keep a (electronic) paper trail

Yes that's right- op hasn't clocked your username when I wrote that! I was describing your and my ex

Original poster

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 19:27

@Unexpectedlysinglemum sorry for being a twat… I think I’m a bit wound up by all the BS I’ve been dealing with today!

you are right - it is!

OP posts:

Original poster

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 19:34

Thanks for all the suggestions- I do try to leave him to it. But sometimes it’s just unavoidable now the kids are getting older and have their own plans. They are not quite old enough to arrange their own play dates though. Am hoping in the next year or two, I’ll be able to leave them to it. It’s a bit sad that they can’t rely on parents to sort their stuff out.

It is weaponised incompetence, but I do wonder if there’s a different way of tackling it that’s more than just ignoring it/ leaving him to it?

I consider it low level abuse.

OP posts:

00100001 · 25/09/2023 19:57

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 19:34

Thanks for all the suggestions- I do try to leave him to it. But sometimes it’s just unavoidable now the kids are getting older and have their own plans. They are not quite old enough to arrange their own play dates though. Am hoping in the next year or two, I’ll be able to leave them to it. It’s a bit sad that they can’t rely on parents to sort their stuff out.

It is weaponised incompetence, but I do wonder if there’s a different way of tackling it that’s more than just ignoring it/ leaving him to it?

I consider it low level abuse.

What would happen if you didn't tell him that exactly what to do?

Why are you the one organising the meet ups on his weekends? Ether say 'sorry kids are with their dad, here's his number, organise with him" or if party falls on his weekend, give him the invites to sort out...

Original poster

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 20:05

well…the kids would end up not getting to parties, or turn up late. Probably not appropriately dressed and definitely with no present for the host.

as for birthdays, he just doesn’t host them.

I get what you’re saying though- I should just leave it and let kids make up their own minds.

OP posts:

00100001 · 25/09/2023 20:22

Weaponisedcompetence · 25/09/2023 20:05

well…the kids would end up not getting to parties, or turn up late. Probably not appropriately dressed and definitely with no present for the host.

as for birthdays, he just doesn’t host them.

I get what you’re saying though- I should just leave it and let kids make up their own minds.

...so what?

Don't book things on his weekends.

let him deal with it all. All invites go to him for his weekends. All queries from kids about stuff go to him.

If they're late to parties, then that's on him.
If they don't get to go, that's on him.
If they don't see friends in his weekends, that's on him.
If he doesn't send them with gifts, again his problem not yours.

MintJulia · 25/09/2023 20:47

My ex was equally useless. I gave up trying to organise him, and left them to it.

Recently my teen (now taller than me) said 'Dad's pretty hopeless really, isn't he. My life would be rubbish if I lived with him.'

It gave me a quiet smile after the last 12 years. Kids don't miss much.