Shouty DBil.

[Rainbowpurple]

We went to my sister's house last Friday. I brought my DS and DD alone with me as my DH was working away.

My DS and DBil have 2.5 year old. My kids are a lot older, late primary age. To be fair, I really like Dbil and he is really hands on dad. Truly 50:50 parenting between them, and I always have liked him. However, this weekend I witnessed a lot of aggression and shouting from him towards basically... my niece who is a toddler.

He didn't shout at her, but when she cried, I can hear him saying, "Oh shut up", and banging pans or doors whatever in front of him. Then my sister tried to intervene and make everything better or lighter saying, "Oh, it is because he is sleep deprived etc..." My niece is a terrible sleeper, and yeah I also had one so I totally understand but I found the general mood and anger just too much to be around with.

I then had a chat with my sister, and she didn't see it the same way I did. It is always" He is tired, she is always trying X Y Z... "

Over the breakfast, he literally banged the table to make the niece stop crying, and my kids were kind of disturbed by the sheer agression.

He then quickly calmed down and apologied profusely. I tried to have another chat with my sister to find out how her marriage is going overall, but didn't find the right time.

Now I am home, I can't shake off this feeling that how DBil acts around his kid is really wrong. Of course I also have lost many times, but not in front of 2.5 yo numerous times a day.

WWYD?

It does sound concerning. The kids shouldn't have to grow up in that kind of atmosphere.

It sounds like your sister is going to minimize and dismiss anything you say. I don't mean that she doesn't respect you, but that you're her sister and close family members often don't pay attention to things they don't want to hear. Is there anyone else she would listen to? An older family friend? Her doctor?

I would write her a brief email (so she can't get lost in words) that she can take time to read and re-read. Tell her that you were troubled by what you heard and you are concerned about her. Tell her not to reply immediately but to think over what you're saying. Offer to help her find a neutral person who can discuss the situation with her--a counselor, someone from a help-line. Maybe you could call your local woman's shelter or the Samaritans and ask for advice on where to direct her.

Thanks for replying to me. Yes I think I will write her an email / text tomorrow to tell her how I felt about DBil's anger bursts in front of the kids. Calm and composed way rather than emotionally charged. I think I put her on the spot as I literally saw her blushed with embarrassment.

I know parenting is so hard and I am also guilty of mum rage, but try my best not to show it front of my kids.

Good on you for caring. My father had a horrible temper and my mother was in denial. No one ever intervened. And I didn't talk to them after I left home.

It is incredibly hard to decide how much to say. She may get defensive and choose to remain in denial. Maybe she feels she has to stay with him because she has nowhere else to go.

The point is, don't feel guilty if she responds badly. Like you said, you'll be communicating calmly and out of love and concern for her and her children. You'll have done what you can and won't have to live with regrets if you don't say anything and he gets worse. Try to let her know that she can count on you because if she feels isolated from her family, she'll be more likely to stick with him. I hope it does go well though. Good luck.

Maybe don’t write the email yet. See if he is like it next time. Because maybe it was just a bad morning?

you spoke to her so she has picked up that you found him aggressive. I think that’s enough for now.

if he’s constantly like it, or is angry/ aggressive next time you visit, fair enough to send a text to check in. But you risk a fall out if you get involved now.

emaisl/ texts can’t be unwritten. It seems premature to push it at this point imo

also he apologised and she blushed. Leave it for now