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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘Mummy can you wish for a brother or sister for me?’

17 replies

Shouldigoauburn · 25/09/2023 15:14

‘Like you wished for me?’

My Dd, 5, in the car this morning. She asked if she had a brother or sister, first time she’s asked this. I said she didn’t and some people do and some don’t. She asked me to wish for one and she didn’t mind if it was a brother or sister and that she’d help me feed it and would give it a piggy back 😭
Dh and I are 45, I got pregnant at 39 with ivf after years of infertility, had her at 40. We have a frozen embryo left. I had long covid for two years and pretty sure I’m in peri now, so tired a lot. Dd has started school now so I have a bit more time.
Just feel so sad, would love another child and definitely a sibling for her, but just worry about our ages

OP posts:

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 15:14

Just tell her no sorry

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 15:16

Be straight with her. You're not going to be having another baby. Your daughter does not need a sibling to have a brilliant life.

GrumpyPanda · 25/09/2023 15:17

At least she's just asking. My sister had her four kids trooping into the parents' bedroom one weekend to announce they'd had a discussion and decided it was about time to get working on #5.

MsFrost · 25/09/2023 15:17

A lot of young children ask this but, of course, they are far too young know anything about the implications or what informs a decision to have a child, or what it would even be like. She just wants a playmate and has maybe seen friends with siblings.

It's not a request to take particularly seriously, because she is 5.

Whether you try or not has to be your own decision.

IAmColdAndIHaveACold · 25/09/2023 15:18

I think you need to decide whether you'd give it a shot with your last embryo completely independently of what your DD said. It sounds as if you don't want to but that you have unresolved feelings about it, and that's why a passing remark from DD has really hit you hard.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/09/2023 15:21

A friend of mine had her second IVF baby at 46. If you want another baby, then getting on with it ASAP seems the sensible thing to do. I suggest you have a conversation with your doctor about your concerns. If it's a really bad idea then your doctor should tell you, and a five year old is old enough to understand that there is an age limit on these things if you want to give her a fairly honest explanation.

5128gap · 25/09/2023 15:23

Try not to let your DDs comment factor into any decision making. I had a similar conversation with mine many moons ago when I was told all they wanted in the whole wide world was a baby sister and a dog. When I announced my pregnancy it was met with tears and "But I wanted the dog more...!"

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 25/09/2023 15:28

Just say no, the same as you would if she wanted to keep a pony in the garden shed.

ringmybe11 · 25/09/2023 15:35

I'm 40 DH is 47 and our DS is 14 months. We already knew before we had him that we only wanted one and haven't changed our minds. It didn't take us long to have him but we both had to heal from unhealthy previous relationships so didn't start trying for a couple of years after meeting. Although it's tiring it's more enjoyable parenting him now that he has a personality and we can do stuff with him. It will be gutting if he wants a sibling too as he gets older but we won't change our minds - neither of us can face a newborn again, it might have been different if we'd had DS 5 years before we did.

Peekingovertheparapet · 25/09/2023 15:40

I think this is a developmental stage, wanting to be a big brother/sister. It’s more about own identity than wanting the reality.

If it helps, my youngest who has an older sibling, went through a phase of petitioning me for another child, again entirely centred on himself, rather than actually have a new sibling.

i know that this is a painful concept for you though, just trying to reassure you that it’s normal and to try not to worry too much.

MaudGonneOutForAFag · 25/09/2023 15:43

ringmybe11 · 25/09/2023 15:35

He will probably say it at some point, in much the same way as he might petition for a puppy or a bed shaped like a spaceship. As a pp said, I think it’s a normal developmental stage, and shouldn’t factor into your own family planning.

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 25/09/2023 15:44

My DD is an IVF baby. When she was four she asked for a baby sister, so we got guinea pigs instead 😀 Two years on she asked for a baby sister again, we got more guinea pigs. I would have loved another child but it never happened and whilst I did struggle with this for a couple of years I learnt to focus on the family I had.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/09/2023 15:44

I think you need to be honest with her, not fair otherwise. Not everyone has a sibling. She has a loving family in you and DH. If you do chose to try the embryo, do it for you and DH, not to give her a sibling.

thejadefish · 25/09/2023 17:39

I had mine at 40 & 45 (would have preferred to have them younger & with a smaller gap, but things didn't turn out that way). I worry about my age sometimes too, but I just have to try & stay as healthy as I can. If you want another personally I'd give it a shot, but it's a very personal decision and would of course depend on how you feel and your circumstances. Oddly, whilst I think I was in peri before having DC2, my peri symptoms are less now (over a year later/DC2 is a year old) than they were pre pregnancy, so you wouldn't necessarily be more tired because of peri. I agree think about what you want & not your DD asking and also be honest with her, say its not possible if you decide not to try. Sympathies OP its not an easy situation to be in.

CorryAndwes · 25/09/2023 18:51

I don't think personally you're too old I know several people personally who've had children older than 45 OP, but at the same time it's fine to stop at 1

SofiaBrownEyes · 25/09/2023 19:28

Don't worry about it tomorrow she'll want a spaceship. When kids moan about their siblings and tell her she's lucky to be an only so as not to share she will be happy.
As adults some wish they had siblings and some wish they hadn't, grass is greener!
I would tell her that your eggs have finished and you can't lay another baby. If you tell her you're too old she will start worrying about you dying.
I would draw her attention to families who have an only and big up the perks of your family being like this. Maybe get a pet if you don't have one and plenty of playmates and activities. I vehemently hate the whole bringing a child into the world purely to give them a sibling, I'd rather the child was a surprise and wanted by their own right. Same re having children again and again in the hope of a specific sex. Anyway don't worry your kid is fine.

UndercoverCop · 25/09/2023 19:34

DS says this on occasion, although he asks me to grow one.
I tell him that's not going to happen, mummy is too old and I've got no eggs left. We also talk about some of the things a baby would negatively impact.

DH is an only and doesn't wish otherwise. I have a brother and whilst we have no issues we're not hugely close and we're very different people, so see each other maybe half a dozen times a year, and we live twenty minutes apart. If we didn't have DC around the same age it would be less. 3 x DC birthdays, both of our parents' birthdays and Christmas is usually the sum total, there might be a random BBQ somewhere in between. Don't romanticise the notion of a sibling, focus on the positives of the reality.

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