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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel bad for my friend

3 replies

flowerpot258 · 25/09/2023 15:12

I know it's not really my business and it's not my situation. She can do what she likes but I just think she deserves better but she wont do anything to improve her situation eventhough she has acknowledged that it's not healthy.

She has a boyfriend who she's been with for 15 years, they got engaged about 12 years ago but I doubt there will be a wedding anytime soon.

They have 2 kids. An older girl who is 12 and a young toddler who is nearly 2.

Her boyfriend is absolutely useless and does nothing to help her. Yes he works and pays some of the bills but she has to rely on other family members to help out with childcare or transport because for some unknown reason he can't do it himself? He works Monday to Friday and goes to the gym every night after work while she has to collect her toddler from a childminder which means she has to get the bus or walk when her boyfriend has a car. I've asked why he can't collect the little one from nursery and she just said she can't rely on him to do that:..

He is also out drinking every single weekend both the Friday and the Saturday night. He does nothing to help out! He doesn't give her lifts when needed, he doesn't watch the kids when she wants to go out because god forbid he stay in for a weekend to care for his own children, he doesn't get up in the night with the baby if she's unsettled he just expects her to deal with it eventhough she also works so she sometimes has to go to work on very little sleep. He is frequently away abroad on stag dos or boys holidays. They've never had a family holiday before I get her or with the kids.

He's just absolutely useless and she knows this. I just think she deserves better than some man child who only cares about himself. He's living a bachelor lifestyle while she's just expected to clean up after him and take care of his children.

I just wish she'd see sense and get rid! I know it's not that easy but she is miserable a lot of the time and just complains about being left to do everything and I feel bad for her but at the same time she doesn't do anything about it. If he was someone else's partner behaving like that she would be the first to say "he's an asshole, you need to leave him, he's a waste of space" so why is it so difficult for her to do anything about her own situation??

OP posts:
Ace56 · 25/09/2023 15:51

Sounds like she knows he’s useless but for whatever reason is choosing to stay. All you can do is be supportive and if she does choose to leave, be there to help her.

SiobhanSharpe · 25/09/2023 15:58

Sadly there is not a lot you can do except be there for her.
But perhaps she thinks she would be worse off if she left, especially as they aren't married.
What's her housing situation like? And finances in general?
If she's living in his house she could be seriously impacted if they split up - not entitled to anything except child maintenance. If it's her house , owned or rented then the situation is not so difficult, possibly...
She might have considered these issues.

flowerpot258 · 25/09/2023 17:15

@SiobhanSharpe - he has a mortgage, she lives with him. He was supposed to put her name on the mortgage but didn't.

I get that it would be hard to sort everything out but I couldn't imagine being tied to someone so useless and just putting up with it. Everyone has limits and it seems like he's pushing hers but she doesn't seem to care

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