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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend posting photos of fostered baby

49 replies

Sunflower8710 · 25/09/2023 14:13

AIBU for thinking it’s so wrong for a friend to be posting photos on social media of a baby she is fostering? Showing full face and name (first name only) the baby is a newborn and she has posted like a newborn photo shoot with her and her partner. She has wanted children for years but never been able to convince so I’m slightly worried for her as she is getting carried away as though this baby was her own. Thoughts?

OP posts:
24HoursFromTulseHillEstate · 25/09/2023 16:10

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

Hopefully people can be happy and be happy for their friends without children in the care system being plastered all over social media against all fostering T&C and Safeguarding rules.

Cowlover89 · 25/09/2023 16:19

Report her

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 16:22

No its wrong, ditto what everyone else had said.

I had the opposite problem - BM posted photos from a contact visit all over her social media, as if DS was still with her (he was adopted by us at that point) with the words "my sexy boy". I wasn't happy. They had to be removed by SS.

jays · 25/09/2023 16:26

From a quick google of UK rules …

Carers must never identify a child or former child in their care on social media. Information and photographs of looked after children including family photos • must never be posted on social media sites without written consent from the local authority, parents and the children, if they are of an appropriate age.

I’m close friends with a couple who foster and this is absolutely unacceptable, I’m concerned that she doesn’t know this.

Goldflap · 25/09/2023 16:30

Someone with such a lack of basic judgment and delusions it's her baby should not be fostering children.
Even if she went on the photo shoot and didn't post on SM its serious red flags and totally inappropriate.
I would report to SS rather than let her know because the safeguarding/ concern here is for the children in her care not her.
Although by default you'd do her a favour because this isn't going to end well for her.

SherbetLemonn · 25/09/2023 16:31

Goldflap · 25/09/2023 16:30

Someone with such a lack of basic judgment and delusions it's her baby should not be fostering children.
Even if she went on the photo shoot and didn't post on SM its serious red flags and totally inappropriate.
I would report to SS rather than let her know because the safeguarding/ concern here is for the children in her care not her.
Although by default you'd do her a favour because this isn't going to end well for her.

Sorry, but I ultimately agree with this. Sounds harsh and I understand that she’s your friend but it’s about the baby.

PinkRoses1245 · 25/09/2023 16:43

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

it's a safeguarding risk, and surely against the terms of the fostering agreement. it's very different to making the decision to post photos of your own birth child or a formally adopted child. I'd be concerned your friend is getting too emotionally attached to an adopted child, and it's not going to end well.

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 16:43

Report her to SS. As everyone says on here safeguarding children is everyone's duty! That is not her baby and it's disgusting she is doing this!

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 16:53

Frodedendron · 25/09/2023 15:31

You're right to be concerned, it won't be within the rules of her fostering agreement and she could risk being dismissed if she is caught.

But I'd be more worried about what is going on in her head. It's important that foster carers bond and care for children in their care, but equally it is unwise for foster carers to get very emotionally attached. It's unlikely this child will be in her care forever.

But also it suggests a lack of respect for the birth mum and wider birth family, who might end up bringing this child up, and might be working very hard to make the changes they need in order to do that - and even if this has been ruled out, are likely grieving the loss of this child. Imagine the reaction they might have if they saw these photographs. She is way over the boundary and it's concerning she doesn't recognise that.

@cringelibrarian it's not her baby to be playing happy families though is it! She's just supposed to be providing a safe home whilst the real mum, the birth mum sorts out whatever issues caused the baby to be removed in the first place then the baby can go home to his/her mum. As someone else said it's disrespectful to the babies mum and also not in the babies interests she is just selfishly thinking of what she wants and a Foster carer shouldn't be selfish!

Densol57 · 25/09/2023 16:54

I feel so sorry for this baby. First its taken away from parents due to no doubt serious safeguarding concerns. Then its handed to an apparent unhinged foster carer who is posting pics on social media which will 100% be against the foster agreement. This is one of the first orders Family Courts make - NO social media. Mad 😢

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 16:54

Frodedendron · 25/09/2023 15:31

You're right to be concerned, it won't be within the rules of her fostering agreement and she could risk being dismissed if she is caught.

But I'd be more worried about what is going on in her head. It's important that foster carers bond and care for children in their care, but equally it is unwise for foster carers to get very emotionally attached. It's unlikely this child will be in her care forever.

But also it suggests a lack of respect for the birth mum and wider birth family, who might end up bringing this child up, and might be working very hard to make the changes they need in order to do that - and even if this has been ruled out, are likely grieving the loss of this child. Imagine the reaction they might have if they saw these photographs. She is way over the boundary and it's concerning she doesn't recognise that.

@cringelibrarian it's not her baby to be playing happy families though is it! She's just supposed to be providing a safe home whilst the real mum, the birth mum sorts out whatever issues caused the baby to be removed in the first place then the baby can go home to his/her mum. As someone else said it's disrespectful to the babies mum and also not in the babies interests she is just selfishly thinking of what she wants and a Foster carer shouldn't be selfish!

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 16:58

@Createausername1970 do you live in the UK? As I thought here once a child is adopted the parents can't see them unless the child chooses to after they turn 18?

Simonjt · 25/09/2023 17:01

Our children are adopted, before the adoption order was granted/signed we couldn’t post identifiable images on social media or their names (even if just first name). Our LA also considered things like whatsapp to be social media.

While babies look very similar, if anyone realises she is a foster carer other birth parents could believe she is fostering their baby, she is putting her own and the babies safety at risk.

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 17:10

My thought is that we really need a MN specific definition of the word "friend" because I'm constantly gobsmacked by the people who post awful shit about their "friends" on a public forum.

May I suggest that the MN definition of the word friend be "total enemy who I hate the guts of"???

OP how about having a decent conversation with your "friend" like, err, an actual friend would?

GreyCarpet · 25/09/2023 17:16

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This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

It's not her child. That's the whole point of the thread 🙄

I'd also report it because its a safeguarding risk and shows that your friend is not able to either understand or follow the very clear guidelines around her role.

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 17:20

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 16:58

@Createausername1970 do you live in the UK? As I thought here once a child is adopted the parents can't see them unless the child chooses to after they turn 18?

Yes I live in the UK. We have something called "contact" in the UK. The reasoning is that if the child sees their birth family on a regular basis then it takes away that feeling of not knowing who they are or where they came from.

I am in two minds about contact.

We did a few sessions when he was first adopted, but it fizzled out. Mainly because it was too upsetting for BM - and I can completely see it would be. Its a tough thing to deal with, having your child removed then be expected to meet it again once a year and look happy about it. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, that was a bloody tough thing for her to go through.

Jenala · 25/09/2023 17:50

Absolutely not OK, either fostered or foster-to-adopt as PPs have suggested. Anyone saying otherwise is only showing they don't know anything about fostering.

Please let the fostering service she is registered with know.

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 18:37

@Createausername1970 Oh I thought you could only have contact if they are in fostercare or long term Foster care. I thought you aren't actually allowed to see them if they have been adopted. I know someone who had her kids removed and adopted ams she only gets to recieve photo updates once every so often. I thought open adoption was just in America

MissingMoominMamma · 25/09/2023 18:42

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we've removed their threads and posts.

Foster Carers are not allowed to post photos of children in their care online.

Justgonefishing · 25/09/2023 18:57

If she is doing newborn type photos shoots then I think you may be right in that she’s going overboard on thinking this may become her baby, that baby may be taken elsewhere at short notice so I think sitting down with her for a chat about what is really going on for her is in order. She must know this is not appropriate and potentially unsafe.

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 18:58

ExtraOnions · 25/09/2023 14:21

…without sounding cliche … all babies look very similar, especially in those newborn photo shoots, so I doubt anyone would recognise the baby.

When it comes to her being carried away -Social Services will have explained the process to her, but reality may bite very hard.

They absolutely do not

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 18:59

Can you contact the local social services?

Ratfinkstinkypink · 25/09/2023 19:16

Ilovecakey · 25/09/2023 18:37

@Createausername1970 Oh I thought you could only have contact if they are in fostercare or long term Foster care. I thought you aren't actually allowed to see them if they have been adopted. I know someone who had her kids removed and adopted ams she only gets to recieve photo updates once every so often. I thought open adoption was just in America

Edited

There is now a move towards more open adoption in the UK where the risk is deemed as low, there has been new research by the UEA to promote this here

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 25/09/2023 19:17

No point raising it with your friend, she absolutely already knows she must not do this. You need to report to SS immediately. If you speak to your friend first she will know it was you

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