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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To organise a police welfare check

27 replies

livingthesimplelife · 25/09/2023 11:52

Just in need of some urgent advice. I had to break up with my partner yesterday as it was a controlling, EA relationship. This morning he tried to enter my house, and when I said no, he said he was going to hang himself when he got home. I then said I would have to call the police and he backtracked saying he would go to a friends. I'm besides myself with worry and don't know what to do - do I text asking if he's okay? I was thinking of organsing a welfare check but I wasn't sure if it was overkill and if he would be angry at them turning up

OP posts:
ButWhatAboutTheBees · 25/09/2023 11:54

He is controlling and emotional abusive

So the threat is an attempt to continue to control and emotional abuse you.

It's working. You worrying about it is exactly what he wants. He wants you to worry and come back to him in a panic

Put him out of your head.

Redlarge · 25/09/2023 11:55

If you are worried ring them.
Its very text book behaviour when an abuser thinks they are losing control. Its abuse.

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/09/2023 11:55

He won't. It's a classic manipulation tactic of abusers.

And who gives a fuck if he gets annoyed at the police for turning up. He shouldn't be a dickhead.

Redlarge · 25/09/2023 11:55

Redlarge · 25/09/2023 11:55

If you are worried ring them.
Its very text book behaviour when an abuser thinks they are losing control. Its abuse.

I mean ring the police. They will ring him.

Butterflywings2 · 25/09/2023 11:56

Can you check their last active time on Whatsapp/Facebook? That way you don't have to directly contact them if you are concerned.

The suicide threat is standard narcissistic/abusive behaviour.

MartinChuzzlewit · 25/09/2023 11:58

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 25/09/2023 11:54

He is controlling and emotional abusive

So the threat is an attempt to continue to control and emotional abuse you.

It's working. You worrying about it is exactly what he wants. He wants you to worry and come back to him in a panic

Put him out of your head.

This!!

If you make a welfare check then he’s ‘won’.

If you’re worried it’s genuine then text his family member about it and they can check on him. But after that stay out of it

HowcanIhelp123 · 25/09/2023 11:59

Absolutely do not reply. That's what he wants. He wants you to be sat there worrying about him and desperately trying to contact him rather than getting on with your life. That's why he backed right off when you said you'd call the police.

You need to remove all emotion from yourself. If he threatens to kill himself, call the police or a friend to check on him. You do not check on him yourself. Rather than saying you'd be sad if he hurt himself, you say he would be upsetting him mum, siblings, friends. Don't look like you care, he'll continue.

Hanlonsamazer · 25/09/2023 12:00

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 25/09/2023 11:54

He is controlling and emotional abusive

So the threat is an attempt to continue to control and emotional abuse you.

It's working. You worrying about it is exactly what he wants. He wants you to worry and come back to him in a panic

Put him out of your head.

This is the only answer. It is a continuation of his abuse.

hotcandle · 25/09/2023 12:02

I would absolutely not contact him. That's exactly what he wants.

I would organise a welfare check if you're worried.

I don't know you OP but I'm proud that you're standing up for yourself. These things are never easy!

EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 12:02

Block and ignore. Like others have said, this is classic controlling behaviour. He did it during your relationship and he is trying to do it now. Cut off all forms of communication and don't answer the door to him.

madamreign · 25/09/2023 12:02

I'd report him for harassment

BananaSlug · 25/09/2023 12:03

I wouldn’t

nadine90 · 25/09/2023 12:03

This is textbook EA when you finally end things. I would call the police for welfare check. If he's genuine, you've potentially helped him. If he's not, he might think twice about pulling this shit again.
I'd also try and get everything recorded with the police in case his behaviour escalates. Sorry you're going through this op. Hope things calm down soon x

WeeOrcadian · 25/09/2023 12:04

You're 'trained' to react to this, my money is on him having done fuck all.

If you react, he's won

Stand up for yourself (said kindly)

RichardArmitagesWife · 25/09/2023 12:06

Look up the Freedom Programme, OP.

It’s a textbook move, threatening suicide. It’s designed to yank your chain and keep you in his orbit.

AnnieKayTee · 25/09/2023 12:07

My ex told me he was going to kill himself when we broke up. Honestly, I just rang his mother, told her how he had been and what had said and didn't give it another thought.
He was annoyed and jealous because I was upset a close male friend had died in a car accident and that's when I woke up to what an actual arsehole he was.
He obviously never even attempted it, it was just something he said to me to make me feel sorry for him and stay.

Blossomandbee · 25/09/2023 12:08

As others have said it's a well known tac tic, my abusive ex did it, even bought the tablets apparently. He's still alive 20 years on.
If you must check on him for your own peace of mind, do it in a way he won't know if possible. If you've got reason to worry then obviously call the police.

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 12:09

Yes, this is classic behaviour from an EA man. If you are genuinely worried, sure, go for a welfare check - although I think suicide is unlikely but it might set your mind at ease.

Do not contact him.
Do not allow him to move back in just "until he feels better".
Do not try to reassure him.

Remember this - if he IS suicidal, nothing you can do will change that - he would need professional help.

Also, and this is PURELY anecdotal so in no way scientific, but everyone I know who has lost someone to suicide, has been completely blindsided. "I knew he was struggling but he seemed to be feeling better" or even "there wasn't a single hint that the was unhappy". I've honestly never seen or read, even on MN where let's face, we often see the worst and most traumatic things, of a single person who says, "my abusive ex threatened suicide and now he has done it"

Ostryga · 25/09/2023 12:10

Don’t contact him at all. Block everywhere. This is the oldest trick in the book when abusive people don’t get their own way.

Even on the very slimmest chance he has done something (he hasn’t) it wouldn’t be your fault at all op. He chose to do it, that’s on him.

Do not contact him. The sooner you break away the sooner you can heal.

wildwestpioneer · 25/09/2023 12:11

Do not contact him at all, phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 25/09/2023 12:35

Classic abuser tactic. Don't respond to the threat but tell him, via text, not to contact you or come to your house and consider getting a doorbell camera. If he keeps turning up after being told not to, report it to the police as harassment with a view to getting a restraining order.

Justgonefishing · 25/09/2023 12:45

People who threaten to kill themselves are (on the whole)less likely to do it but I know that doesn’t make you feel any better about the situation! Are you in contact with his parents?If he has a family member you can pass this info onto, I would as it’s no longer your problem, they are his next of kin so if he’s truly suicidal then it’s up to them from now on.

JudgeRudy · 25/09/2023 12:53

Well done you for ending the relationship and recognising his EA. This is his last card. He's ramped it up a notch. He can't threaten to leave you, display hurt, punish you with the silent treatment, shout at you....so he's now saying he'll take his l8fe and it's your fault.
It's highly unlikely he'll do this. He's told you he's going round to his friends instead. He's an adult. You're not responsible. If he contacts you again with similar threats just arrange a welfare call from the Police. You don't need to tell him you're doing this. I dare say he'll feel very embarrassed when they arrive. It's also an opportunity to ensure things are logged if he starts harassing you. Tell him you want no more contact and block him.
Surround yourself with positive energy, so friends and family who make you feel good about yourself. I bet there's not one person who is disappointed or surprised you've split up!

Dolores87 · 25/09/2023 12:59

I wouldn't bother. He's being abusive. I don't think all suicide threats during a break up are abusive in that I think sometimes people get extremely distressed and say it because they legitimately feel that distressed and don't know what to do at the time even if they wouldn't follow it through but this isn't one of them. He instantly back tracked. He was saying it to manipulate you. Extremely distressed people who legitimately experiencing suicidal ideation don't back track like that.

If he doesn't back track and he calls you sobbing etc talking about suicide I would call a police wellbeing check at that point.

madamreign · 25/09/2023 13:06

My ex did this.

I genuinely wouldn't have cared if he'd followed through with it. I didn't have kids with him though.

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