Feeling really overwhelmed this morning and genuinely not sure if the way I’m approaching this is right, so I would really appreciate some thoughts. Son, 17, spent year 10 and 11 struggling with social / school related anxiety. No specific incident he’s ever been willing to share, and tbh it goes beyond school, he struggles at social events with family, wouldn’t willingly go into a shop and pay for things, etc. I’ve taken him to the GP who was actually not unhelpful and offered some ideas, but said unfortunately services are so stretched that no real options for support in the short term, plus he stated categorically that he wouldn’t talk to a counsellor or anything so the GP said if he wouldn’t engage, there wasn’t any point referring, which I do get. She didn’t think medication without seeing someone was appropriate and he said he didn’t want medication anyway. We limped through years 10 and 11, regular absences which I gave school standard excuses for, virus, migraine etc and they never questioned - they don’t seem very interested in him, I think he’s quite withdrawn there and just goes under the radar. His GCSE results were ok but nowhere near what they could have been. He wanted to go to sixth form there, I tried to get him to look at alternatives but he said they would be worse because at least where he is he has some mates. But a couple of weeks into sixth form and we are back to not wanting to go in, and I’ve just hit a bit of a wall of despair. It takes so much of my energy and strength to keep him going even to the point he is now, because he won’t engage with any support other than me and he won’t let me tell school (says he will stop going completely if they know he has anxiety and I believe he would follow through on that). He spends most of his time he’s not at school shut in his room on his laptop. He is completely resistant to all attempts to get him to engage with hobbies, interests etc, he’ll come and cook with me sometimes, but that’s about it. He is though the absolutely sweetest kid, I feel like I’ve painted a bleak picture but he’s kind, clever, thoughtful, painfully self aware, funny. He’s just trapped in this anxiety and being on his laptop is what he enjoys, it makes him feel happy and he forgets any problems - until he has to engage with them again. I have a feeling I’ll get a lot of advice that says you need to be his parent here, get him help even if he won’t engage with it, take his laptop away even though it’s what he says is helping him feel like he can cope at all, but I have thought it through so many times and being honest I’m scared of losing the positives we have - he does go to school about 85% of the time at the moment, he is fairly happy most of the time, and I’m terrified of what will happen if I force the issue. He has self harmed a couple of times I know of, not deep marks but almost I feel like it’s done to get control back and stop me pushing him to do things he’s not comfortable with - kind of an ace up his sleeve, if I push him, this is what happens, and obviously that scares me. It feels like he is in control but he shouldn’t be, he’s an anxious 17 year old who can’t see the bigger picture of what’s best for him, but if I take control and push him to address his issues I worry we will end up in a worse position. So what do I do, just keep limping on as we are and hope things improve? Or are there things I can be doing that might help? I feel like the crappest parent, everyone around me is telling me I need to do things differently with him but no one else actually has a close relationship with him, he won’t engage with them beyond a superficial level, so it’s all on me and I feel like I’m failing him but I’m scared to blow things up so I keep desperately trying to keep him on as even a keel as I can. He has a younger sister who I worry is seeing all this and potentially following this pattern too, so that’s weighing on my mind as well. Sorry for the very long post and if you think carrying on as I am - not ideal but just about managing - then AINBU, if you think I’m failing him and need to take the risks around taking more action against his wishes then AIBU. Thank you for reading this.