Unreasonable mother or u reasonable daughter?

[69Pineapples69]

So I can't give too much away but...
Been married now for over a decade, got married young and had kids young. I made my mum a grandmother at the ripe old age of 39... a fact she has never let me forget.
Sometime into my pregnancy the family lost someone at the time who was very dear to us...turns out they weren't worth it (abusive on all fronts even s**l)
This led me into a downward spiral of depression, and even experienced sleep paralysis a few times once the baby was born (terrifying) I was on my own...completely. my husband was useless, my friends abandoned me because I couldn't go out drinking with them anymore and my mum was so caught up in her own grief (understandable) that i ended up trying to take care of my own sister whilst heavily pregnant, of course once the baby arrived I couldn't do it anymore and unfortunately as a result of my mother's grief (and not seeking help for it) she now also struggles with mental health.
It is a taboo in my family, there's no such thing get over yourself. 🙄 in fact eveytime I mentioned to my mum that I was struggling she told me "you've made you bed, lie in it" or "I did it all on my own I had nobody"
Fast forward, my sister has had a baby and she couldn't be more supportive. Fantastic! I'm so glad she has the support that wasn't available to me...however when my sister asks me for advice on mental health or even parenting in front of mum, mum just shuts me down. I had two awful pregnancies and two traumatic births, I was in hospital for a lot of it and had to have procedures whilst still pregnant. "Oh well your sister has REALLY been through it" "she had a MUCH harder time"... excuse me I didn't say she didn't have a hard time, I was simply extracting from my own experiences to try and advise her as she has asked me too?
Basically what I went through is my own damned fault and I don't deserve acknowledgment for my struggles. There are other things that are really starting to push my buttons but maybe that's for another post, I'll decide based on the comments.

YABU she has been through a lot, she's a different generation and maybe wasn't ready to acknowledge your struggles 10 years ago
YANBU you should put her to rights, despite the divide it would cause in the family. Or just distance yourself she isn't worth it...

Your husband being useless, and your friends abandoning you, are not your mums issues. The person supporting you should have been your husband.

Your mother went through a bereavement whilst you were pregnant, and couldn’t be fully there for you as she was grieving

She was in a different place when your sister was pregnant, so was able to offer her more support.

sometimes “who has the worst time” becomes a competition, which it shouldn’t be, as it tends to be relative.

I am assuming a huge drip feed / back story, to show why you are “right” though.

Can you not stand up to her.

Tell her straight she's being a bitch and that she in fact didn't do it alone because you had your sister for XYZ. But what a shit support she was to you.

There is nothing to gain from picking a fight with your mum. Can't you offer support to your DSis away from your DM? It's obviously a trigger. Maybe she is so supportive of your sister now because of the guilt she feels about the lack of support she gave you at a time of grief. Is she bad at showing vulnerability?

It's hard to see a sibling being treated differently. Perhaps it's also the fact your DM was frustrated/disappointed that you followed in her footsteps by becoming a young mum. Sometimes parents can be harder on their DC when they choose similar paths to them. Her frustration may have been expressed through witholding support. As in, 'I chose the same path of young motherhood and did it alone, why should Pineapple have it easier?'

These are shots in the dark though. One thing is pretty certain, your DM isn't going to do a complete u-turn on her behaviour now. I'd let the past go.

Is it just this one aspect between you that's difficult?

Is she supportive in other ways? Does she care about you and your kids? Do you generally enjoy seeing her?

If the relationship is mostly a positive one, then I'd just let it go. Avoid the subject and focus on the positive.

But if it's not a good relationship and she only makes you feel bad about yourself, then I'd put some distance there. I don't accept any toxicity in my life, that's including family members.

I would definitely distance myself, your mental health’s is not less important than hers.

If she can support your sister then there’s no reason why she can’t be kinder to you too.

My mum suffers from paranoia, clinginess, random anger etc. I am a named person on her case at the GP who has said there are MH issues, I have the details for a self-referral, but she refuses any referral to MH services.

I love my mum but when she is unreasonable I do lose by temper and tell her exactly what she’s doing and why I don’t have to put up with it. This helps me as I don’t think I could cope if I just had to sit there and listen to her diatribes. She does try and play siblings off against each other, which also gets short shrift from me.

If you can’t be blunt with your mum, distance yourself. Why is your mother there when sister is there?

I can't give any more of a back story than that. Even the slightest extra detail would reveal to my family who it is and I think that chaos would ensue! But thank you, you're right it shouldn't be a competition :)

We live far away so when we see each other we are all together as it's a chance to catch up that's why sis is always there at the same time as mum. Sis is kind and loving, sometimes naively so that I dont think she notices it, hence why she keeps asking for advice when mums there. I might mention it to sis and just say "when you ask for advice can you direct it towards mum, or ask me when she's not there as I feel awkward when she shoots my efforts down and it invalidates my advice" and go from there