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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was fair that he does the night wakings for once

30 replies

letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 02:53

My H has a very physically demanding job- think work where you're on your feet all day for 12 hours and have a long commute. I have a job where most of the time I work from home and I'm quite flexible with my as well.

Because of the way my job is vs his job, I've always taken care of the night wakings for our children. A few months ago I travelled for work and had a six am flight followed by a very busy day meeting new colleges and having a packed day. That particular night before my flight, I basically had about an hour or two of sleep as my children were playing up.

Anyway long story short, I pretty much collapsed half way through my busy work day. My body just couldn't take it. I was pretty unwell on my trip and my DH know and I vowed I would not try to push myself like that again and would handle things differently next time.

Fast forward to now. I have an event coming up which is 3 travel hours away and will last 10 hours of standing on my feet and chatting to people. I told DH that under these circumstances, he'll need to let me sleep for a change, as I really need my rest and I don't want to collapse again from exhaustion.

Youngest has just woken up and DH is furious and shouting and has made the situation 10 times worse and complained that he's having to do it and that he doesn't understand what's different and it's all a joke etc.

He has a habit of just talking shit / getting angry when he's in a bad mood, which he is now. Obviously now I'm wide awake and can't sleep because of all the shouting. My youngest also got very upset because he shouted so much and the situation was just really unsettling. I think my needs really trumped his needs and he could have handled it differently and it says a lot that he couldn't just stay calm and try his best to resolve the situation. I think he's really selfish.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 25/09/2023 02:55

Yes, you're right, but I'd wait until he's calmed down to discuss it. It won't help if you start trying to talk to him when he's in this angry state.

Earlier when you had the conversation putting him on duty, was he generally supportive of the idea then or annoyed about it?

Original poster
letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 02:56

BertieBotts · 25/09/2023 02:55

Yes, you're right, but I'd wait until he's calmed down to discuss it. It won't help if you start trying to talk to him when he's in this angry state.

Earlier when you had the conversation putting him on duty, was he generally supportive of the idea then or annoyed about it?

He was a bit annoyed. But in a slightly jokey / sarcastic way. But I didn't really give him a choice or ask him. I just said, you're doing it.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 03:06

He is really selfish. This behaviour is deliberate, so that you never ask him to get up again. And he’s happy to scare you and your child to get his way.

Did you get up or did settle the child?

What happens on weekends/ when he’s not working the next day, who gets up then?

LovesFood1987 · 25/09/2023 03:09

Absolutely he should do his share of night wakings and what sort of father gets furious for their child waking up and needing them?! Absolutely not good.

What did he think parenting would be like because I've never heard anyone say "man I'm so well rested now I have kids" 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 03:10

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 03:06

He is really selfish. This behaviour is deliberate, so that you never ask him to get up again. And he’s happy to scare you and your child to get his way.

Did you get up or did settle the child?

What happens on weekends/ when he’s not working the next day, who gets up then?

I still get up.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 03:11

letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 03:10

I still get up.

Show quote history

Why?

Original poster
letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 03:17

@CherryMaDeara because he needs his rest. I just do it because he's a miserable bastard to be honest.

I do these things to try and get him to be a bit happier and nicer to be around. He's always down and out because he hates his job and he's always exhausted, so I try to make his life a bit easier by letting him sleep during the night even if he's off the next day. He only has one day off usually. I also let him have lie ins when he's off.

OP posts:
spitefulandbadgrammar · 25/09/2023 03:59

So if you don’t do the night wakings and early mornings, he punishes you by being angry and belligerent. So you just do all of them to tiptoe around him. He sounds horrible.

(I’m writing this sitting on the stairs outside the baby’s room, waiting my turn in case DP can’t settle him – he’s in there pacing the molar monster around. Night waking is absolutely shared round here. In a minute we both get to go back to bed, where our poorly four year old has been kicking us all night! Yay! And we’ve had our bad nights where we’re all grumpy or make the wrong call, but generally accept that children = less sleep, that that’s everyone’s job, and no child is going to go back to sleep if someone yells “go to sleep!” At them. Obviously.)

WhichEllie · 25/09/2023 04:00

He’s a douche for yelling at your poor child and making everything worse.

But he only gets one day off a week and works 12 hour days plus commutes? So he’s working 12x6 for 72 hours per week plus commuting on top??

No wonder he’s miserable and hates his job. If he’s working that much then it makes sense that he gets a lie in on his one day off and doesn’t do the night wakings. Can something be done to let him reduce hours or change jobs so that he has a better quality of life? That would improve things for the whole family.

NumberTheory · 25/09/2023 04:55

His behaviour over this one night is appalling. It needs discussing, but in a few days when you’re both calmer and neither of you have a big event on.

However, it also sounds like you need to sort out his job. Working a 6 day week, 12 hours a day in a job you hate sounds an horrendous place to be. As a couple you need to prioritise him finding an alternative.

LightSpeeds · 25/09/2023 04:58

Does he help with anything at all?

orangesandapples001 · 25/09/2023 05:02

Had the same experience tonight as you OP. Haven't slept since 3am because of it. What's wrong with these men?!

Original poster
letthesunshinein · 25/09/2023 05:04

orangesandapples001 · 25/09/2023 05:02

Had the same experience tonight as you OP. Haven't slept since 3am because of it. What's wrong with these men?!

It's not an excuse at all but DH just thinks at 18months our child should not be waking up crying at night still. Our first had stopped by 11 months.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 25/09/2023 05:05

His work hours are ridiculous. Unless he is doing something he genuinely loves, he's going to kill himself.

Next weekend you need to sit him down and have a serious chat. No marriage can work like that.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 25/09/2023 05:12

Why does he work such insane hours? They seems like the biggest problem.

I think your DH needs a new job, and maybe consider looking into a sleep consultant for your youngest.

Overthebow · 25/09/2023 05:13

You both need to sit down and talk about his job and what the solution may be. He can’t do 14+ hour days (12 hours plus long commute) 6 days a week with only one day off and do child night wakings. The event you have coming up is a one off for you but is less hours than what he does every day for his job. This is not excusing his behaviour as he shouldn’t be shouting but I think most people would struggle doing what he does. His work is impacting his life but is also impacting yours as you are having to do all the night shifts yourself whilst working too, which is also difficult. You both need to discuss this and what the options are, it doesn’t sound sustainable for either of you.

FriendsDrinkBook · 25/09/2023 05:26

Firstly , hats off to you op. I had no choice but to give up work because our son's sleep was so bad , surviving on one income was preferable to me making myself ill on 4 hours broken sleep each night. It's amazing that you're coping at all.

Secondly , your husband's attitude sucks. If he'd rather stomp around scaring his family than make changes to his employment then he's an absolute arse. If after a chat about the future this situation remains I would be considering whether the relationship is working. You cannot go on like this.

Everydayimhuffling · 25/09/2023 06:26

That's great that your oldest slept through so well, but that's just not always how children are. My 3 year old still wakes up almost every night. Is this situation sustainable for you if that's the case? Is there anything that can be done about his job? It sounds awful.

MichelleScarn · 25/09/2023 06:30

WhichEllie · 25/09/2023 04:00

He’s a douche for yelling at your poor child and making everything worse.

But he only gets one day off a week and works 12 hour days plus commutes? So he’s working 12x6 for 72 hours per week plus commuting on top??

No wonder he’s miserable and hates his job. If he’s working that much then it makes sense that he gets a lie in on his one day off and doesn’t do the night wakings. Can something be done to let him reduce hours or change jobs so that he has a better quality of life? That would improve things for the whole family.

How long has he worked like this? Agree uts insane as is probably he due to sleep deprivation. I don't actually think he should ve doing night waking on the one day he gets sleep.
Why does he work like this?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 25/09/2023 06:50

Not with a child but with a very poorly pup, I've 'slept' downstairs the last 3 nights because I know I can grab some 10mins naps during the day if I need it. However my DH has repeatedly told me this is not fair and he will do it. I wont let him due to the stress and timings of his job and because i would feel its unfair, BUT he offers.
I allow my DH to have a lie on his day off so I get that , but he doesn't act horribly if that doesn't happen. I agree with PP that his job seems intolerable.for.him so if changes could be made that should be discussed but I am aware ghatvit could.simply be that's how this job 'has to be and changing jobs is not always a simple option!

NW1738 · 25/09/2023 07:04

orangesandapples001 · 25/09/2023 05:02

Had the same experience tonight as you OP. Haven't slept since 3am because of it. What's wrong with these men?!

They are enabled.

ConnieTucker · 25/09/2023 07:06

NW1738 · 25/09/2023 07:04

They are enabled.

Show quote history

Always the womans fault…

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/09/2023 07:06

He needs to change his job. Next time you have a journey/day like you have today, which isn't often, I would book into a travel lodge the night before so you are not there.

FriendsDrinkBook · 25/09/2023 07:11

@ConnieTucker right. Do people really wonder why a woman would rather exhaust herself than leave a child in the care of an angry man?

NW1738 · 25/09/2023 07:27

@FriendsDrinkBook

I just don’t get why they marry these awful men in the first place.