2 weeks to due date and struggling with dynamic with 5 year old DSS

[Elevs]

My DH and I are about to have our first child together in 2 weeks and I’m really struggling with the dynamics with DSS and his mother.

I’ve been involved in DSS life since he was 2 years old and we used to have a great relationship but his mother, the older DSS gets, seems to be starting to successfully drive a wedge between us. He’s now starting to become very cold towards me, like a dead eye stare at times or will completely blank me. Doesn’t want to kiss or hug anymore because mummy told him not to. I think I’d manage better with tantrums but it’s honestly awful - I feel like I’m being completely frozen out in my own home at times.

She’s been trying this from the start but I think now DSS is getting older he’s more cognisant of dynamics and what’s being said to him so taking it on. For a bit of back story, they had been split for over a year before DH and I got together but then when she found out went bezerk, tried to get me fired from my job saying I was a risk to children. I was a Social Worker working with children at the time and it ended up with a court ordered welfare report. She stopped DH from seeing his son, stopped him from sleeping over. She’s started lots of rumours about me, not respecting boundaries and just being extremely unpleasant e.g. throws away the things we make together to take home to her house.

I’d have hoped it would have settled over time but 6 months into my pregnancy she was texting DH asking if she could use his sperm to get inseminated with (DSS keeps saying how he and mummy are going to have a baby together / mummy is going to give him a sister) and then telling DSS the reason he can’t spend more time with daddy is because she doesn’t know me (the woman has wiggled out of every opportunity to meet).

I’ve been so unwell during this pregnancy (hyperemesis and blood pressure) and had cervical cancer 3 years ago with a lot of post-surgery complications so this is really a miracle baby for me but I can’t feel excited because I’m so worried about much more difficult things will get once the baby is here. We’ve had DSS this weekend and will have him next weekend and then the Friday/Saturday before I’m due to have the c-section on the Monday which I’m convinced she’s set up so we don’t have much time to get last minute bits together and for me to rest before new baby comes.

DH has his head in the sand a bit I think, keeps saying everything will be fine but I can’t see how it will because this woman seems intent on being as problematic as possible, even to the detriment of her own child. My way of coping has been to just take myself away. I can’t even walk my dog very much to clear my head because the swelling in my legs and feet are too painful. I’ll try and engage DSS in activites like craft, painting, cooking & baking, puzzles, board games but I can see how uncomfortable the poor thing feels at times. I know it’s not his fault but I just don’t feel like I have the emotional bandwidth at the minute to deal with it all. I’m also mindful I’m probably extra sensitive at the minute and worried because DH is going to be my only support once baby comes. We live overseas and my parents care for my grandma / mum is on waiting list for an operation. His parents are too elderly to come and help.

AIBU?

She tried to get you fired? On what grounds? What's the background of it?

I wouldnt be trying to get hugs and kisses, I'd back off there. From what you've said I'd back off everywhere to be honest and leave him to it. There's no way I'd be trying to have a relationship with a child who is being poisoned by their mother and ignoring me in my own house.

What does your DH think of it all? Is it time that he either sits his child down for a good talk, or the mother?

She's a problematic nut job so why are you antagonising the situation by sending things home to mums house that you've made with her ds?
I'm sorry but you know what she's like and you're throwing petrol on the situation, you know she's going to kick off and bin the stuff you've made so why put your ss in this position (yes I know it's the mum who should be behaving better but you know she won't).
As for your ss and his behaviour towards you even without the influence of his nutty mum any new baby will cause massive disruption and fear of rejection and being replaced for most step children, has his dad ever reassured him?

At a time when you have very little control, it’s easy to fixate on something unrelated.

If you only have him every other weekend, try to put him out of your mind on the other days and focus on yourself and your pregnancy. Let DH take charge of SS and his activities when he’s with you. All you should be doing is being kind and consistent.

Yes, she sounds awful and it’s very sad for SS, but you knew she was awful, and the only thing you can control is your emotional response to it. Good luck.

she was texting DH asking if she could use his sperm to get inseminated with

This alone is one of the most insane things I have ever read.

What did your DH do when this happened? How did he respond?

Well, firstly, I'm amazed that you stuck the relationship out while she was throwing out accusations and trying to get you fired. Whilst dealing with cancer, too.

But now you are where you are, I think you are letting this get to you too much. Just smile politely and answer any direct questions when your DSS is there, but otherwise don't spend your time worrying about him and/or trying to do activities with him. Focus on your baby in your mind. When he's rude to you, he gets in trouble - that is the simple part of it your DH needs to get involved with.

You don't HAVE to have him whenever she says so if it's not the arrangement and doesn't suit you, so if she tries to arrange contact for bad times to sabotage you (like your c section) just say no. I think a lot of this hinges on you just being frank with your DH about what HE needs to do to make this work, ie - acknowledge that she's doing things like this and discuss with you and say no if necessary, and address it when his child is being rude. And then not using up your emotional bandwidth on any of it.

You will not be pushed out of the family when one of the two children is yours and will naturally gravitate to you, and said child lives there full time and is, most likely, at the very core of the household dynamic. At that point, sadly for him, it is more like DSS who will be the pushed out one.

And congratulations on your baby!

You're not struggling with DSS, you're struggling with your DH's ex, and your DH.

He chose to go ahead with having a baby, knowing he already had a son whose mother was guaranteed to cause problems - and while DSS is ultimately your DH's child, you also chose to stay with him and to do this, and owe some duty of care to a child you've known well for 3 years, as well as of course to your baby, who's going to be negatively impacted by this.

If she's this vindictive and dangerous, then DH should really be looking to have main residency, this is terrible for his child. Appreciate that's not great for you though. Did he/you report her behaviour at the time?

At minimum, you shouldn't be having to engage your DSS with crafts etc, he should be taking the reins. He's got to look after both his kids here.

What a shame your DH can't have the SS full time and get this awful woman out of the equation.

It's lovely that you are trying to do all the crafts and activities and what not with dss but why isn't his dad doing it?

I don't think your dh comes out of this whole thing very well tbh.

I think I would take a huge step back for the sake of my own sanity for the time being. DH and his son can spend time together while you have a break. No need for hugs and kisses or crafts with you if he is visibly uncomfortable. Your DH needs to step up and be the one worrying about this, not you.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about the toxicity of DSS mother and what she says to him. Your DH can think about how he wants to handle that.

Reading back: it sounds like your DH is poor with boundaries (she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide when SS is with you, and if she’s texting insane things, he needs to move to email-only communication).

Your hormones will be insane currently, and it’s definitely not the time to have it out with him, but if you need something to do, download a Parenting Plan template and work out what acceptable communication and contact looks like to you. CAFCASS can help with mediation.