To have used DS’s dad as childcare for DD

[shelbyshop]

I have 2 children, a DS15 and DD4. They don't have the same dad, I became pregnant unexpectedly and he split up with me 2 months before DD was born.

I've had a lot of issues with him, from him suddenly not liking DD's name to him threatening to go for full custody. I wasn't planning on spending DD's first birthday with him but he came over that night and was furious. He pushed me whilst I was holding DD and wouldn't leave. He was also shouting at DS. I reported it at the time but nothing was done as there wasn't any evidence of this.

We didn't have any contact until after she turned 2 and since then he's been having her for a total 4 days a month, unscheduled as he works shifts.

I try to arrange things for those 4 days but it isn't always possible. Today I went out for lunch with a few friends. My DS was with his dad and I get along very well with him. I previously wasn't going to go with them but his dad offered to have DD.

On the way to get DD I popped into my sisters to give her some of DD’s old clothes, she asked where my DD was and I told her and she thinks I was unreasonable as DD doesn't know my ex very well and said that if her dad found out it will cause more issues and suggested that he possibly offered but didn't really mean it. So I don't drip feed we have been talking about getting back together so DD would be seeing more of him if things go well.

I didn't think it was an issue and DD had a lovely time, DS said that she did cry but it was probably due to her being tired as if she gets up early she does get very teary by late afternoon.

Nobody's business but yours who looks after your dc..

Not being unreasonable at all. It's fantastic you have such a good relationship with your son's father

Think this is fine. He offered, she is his sons sister and you trust him. Can't see anything wrong tbh. Don't overthink it OP 😊

What a credit to you both that you have such a fantastic relationship with your son's father, he sounds like a kind man.

Sorry - i’m probably being dim, but which ex are you thinking of getting back together with? Because ex#2 doesn’t sound like a peach.

Yanbu. You make your own judgment call about who your DD will be safe with. And as for your sister saying your ex won’t like it, so what if he doesn’t? You can’t go about your life considering what he will and won’t like and making decisions based on him, because it’s absolutely nothing to do with him. And it would be a form of him controlling you if you lived your life worrying what he will think.
It’s not like he’s making an appearance to have his DD, so sod him. You choose who DD will be with.

I hope it’s ex #1 you are hoping to get back together with.

your little girl was with her bitter and his dad. That seems absolutely fine. Ignore others - you know what’s best for your child.

So your DS’s dad has presumably been a stable and good father to your DS for 15 years which your sister realistically would know but has an issue about your Ex looking after your DD? All whilst you’re giving her clothes to help her out? I think it’s lovely and commendable he’s willing to help out especially if you’re considering getting back together that’s a very promising sign imo. Is your sister always that much of a joy thief or is she just jealous? If that was me I’d tell her to stop trying to cause a problem that isn’t there and if she’s that worried offer to help you out herself or keep her opinions to herself. How would your DD’s dad know if your ex had looked after her if neither you, your ex or your sister don’t say anything? Not that I’d consider it his business being an unstable father. YANBU.