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Original poster

Too dependent on my partner

8 replies

winrol · 24/09/2023 15:07

Hi all, posting in aibu but I know I am buSad

A bit of background, I am 27 my fiancé is 25 we have been together for just over 2 years.
We live together and everything is great, I love him and there is no one id rather spend my life with.

The only problem is that I feel like I have become too dependent on him, when we started seeing he was totally obsessed with me but now I'm starting to feel as though it has switched the other way around.

For example, I would rather spend all of my time with him and when he goes and makes plans with friends etc I feel a bit lost and like I don't know what to do with myself. I have a large group of friends and could definitely go and do stuff but I just feel as though I don't want to.

Lately I have just been feeling quite crap about myself, and I have thoughts constantly running through my head that he can do better and that he might find someone else better than me. When he has nights out planned I just dread it because I'm worrying that he may find someone better.

I know I'm being bizarre to think this as he's given me no reason to, it probably comes down to an issue with myself but I have always been a fairly confident person I just feel as though I don't recognise myself anymore.

I obviously don't make these feelings clear to him, I would NEVER stop him from doing things and would never tell him that I feel like this but I just wanted to vent I suppose.

Does anybody have any tips / advice on how to stop feeling like this? How to improve self confidence? It is really getting me down. Please be gentle as I already feel bad enough Sad xx

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 24/09/2023 15:20

You are too dependent and it’s not healthy, although happens to lots of people so you’re not weird for it.

It’s tough but you’ve got to force yourself to start with. Make plans with your friends, be the person that reaches out to suggest meeting up. Find a hobby, a sport, or just do things alone for the sake of it. You’ll start to find your self worth again when you find joy in things where your partner isn’t there.

At the beginning of the summer I found myself unexpectedly single and I struggled a lot. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do alone, including eating at a restaurant, starting rock climbing and going swimming. I’ve ticked off my list and this weekend just returned from a solo camping trip. I’m feeling better than I ever have and will definitely continue this solo time when I’m in future relationships, my mental health is benefiting hugely

CherryMaDeara · 24/09/2023 15:29

If you don’t make the effort to meet that large group of friends, even for a coffee or lunch or just to come round for a bit, then gradually that group will dwindle to zero.

Never give up good friends for a relationship.

Never become reliant on a relationship for all your socialising.

Is there something going on in your life that makes you want to keep to your home with a partner?

Original poster
winrol · 24/09/2023 15:31

@Drummend01 thank you so much, you are so right. I'm so glad to hear that you are enjoying doing solo things, before meeting my partner I didn't mind my own company but now I just always feel on edge and as though he's going to get tired of me!

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 24/09/2023 15:32

If he seemed obsessed with you at first has this now cooled off? Because I could see how that might mess with your head a bit and leave you feeling a bit insecure and wanting the validation back. As odd as it might sound, someone putting too much in right at the start of a relationship (sometimes called love bombing) can be a red flag.

Regardless, what you probably need to do is just consciously start arranging to do more with your friends, even if you would prefer to spend time with him. Not just when he has other plans. Put effort into getting back into the swing of your whole life. See your friends without him. Talk about other things. Do other things. This should help you feel more secure all round and less disappointed when he has other things to do. And it will give you a better perspective for evaluating the relationship.

Original poster
winrol · 24/09/2023 15:33

@CherryMaDeara thank you so much for commenting.

I should have clarified, I still do see my friends a lot and speak every day. I probably see my friends once to twice a week to make sure that I keep the effort going. But I find that if my partner hasn't got any plans, I could happily do nothing either and stay here.

There's nothing really going on, I have great friends and family. I think it's just me worrying that he's going to get bored and find someone else, and I have no clue why I feel like this either

OP posts:
Original poster
winrol · 24/09/2023 15:36

@NumberTheory thank you , you've made some really valid points I appreciate your comment.

He's still very affectionate towards me, tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. But at the beginning he wanted to spend every second with me whereas now he is not as much like that, which is expected as we live together and are recently engaged now. I suppose it wouldn't be healthy to be together 24/7 without seeing friends but it has knocked my self confidence for some reason, I just need to get out of this headspace!

OP posts:
lala66 · 24/09/2023 21:04

Is he really good looking or something?

Original poster
winrol · 24/09/2023 22:16

@lala66 well to me he is, I think he's the best looking man ever. But not sure if you would all agree, I'm not sure that hes the type that would make people stop and stare hes probably just a standard looking bloke 😂

OP posts:
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