To think that some of the responses on mumsnet threads are just misogyny/victim blaming thinly disguised as advice?

[Catastrophejane]

Have noticed this a lot over the years, but it really bugs me…

Often if someone is posting about bad behaviour by a ‘D’P, there is always someone who rushes on to say ‘why did you have kids with this man?!’ Often neglecting the fact that relationships change over time.

If they’ve not got kids yet, there’s always someone rushing on to say ‘well, I hope you’re not going to have kids with this man!’ …it’s one thing to give advice like this, but I sometimes I detect a tone of moral indignation that’s less about trying to help, and more about accusing the OP of being a weak minded fool, who’s probably going to get knocked up to a complete loser because she has no self esteem.

And then there’s the affairs threads… women post about their suspicions that DP is having an affair. It’s often clear that the penny has just dropped and the woman is devastated. But within minutes, there’s someone coming on to say ‘make sure you get an STD test’. In itself, it’s not bad advice, but I often detect a sense of smugness. And often the situation where the affair has taken place means it’s unlikely that H or OW are normally promiscuous ( both affair partners married etc) It’s usually posted without any other advice or support.

And I also detect some slut shaming going on- basically saying that the other woman is some kind of sexually incontinent whore who’s obviously been shagging all sorts. As horrible behaviour as it is, there’s often a lot more going on than just people having meaningless sex.

and don’t get me started on the threads relating to the Russell Brand allegations!

I just think that so many women subconsciously want to blame women for the situation they are in.

or are these remarks ever helpful?

Totally agree.

I’m often left flabbergasted by the misogyny, minimising and gaslighting.

Often if someone is posting about bad behaviour by a ‘D’P, there is always someone who rushes on to say ‘why did you have kids with this man?!’ Often neglecting the fact that relationships change over time.

Sometimes, yes. But quite often it's either admitted or obvious from the OP that the red flags were there from the beginning. That's still no excuse to berate or belittle the OP though. Lots of women have a low bar for male behaviour, or poor boundaries, because of past traumas, abuse or a difficult upbringing.

Sometimes, yes. But quite often it's either admitted or obvious from the OP that the red flags were there from the beginning. That's still no excuse to berate or belittle the OP though. Lots of women have a low bar for male behaviour, or poor boundaries, because of past traumas, abuse or a difficult upbringing.

When a woman is brought up by a misogynist you don't learn to recognise red flags. If you are being treated badly and you seek advice from your mother and you are told your standards are too high, you should expect to be treated badly, the treatment you are receiving is better than you deserve then you don't stand much of a chance.

@AllProperTeaIsTheft I totally get what you mean- many women seem to put up with appalling behaviour, that I know I’d never put up with, but it’s the smugness and holier than thou attitude of some of the posters.

I was in an abusive relationship, but of course it didn’t start like that. When I started dating my ex I was confident, had good self esteem, high standards. It meant I noticed it and left pretty quickly, but there was a period of time where I doubted what I was experiencing ( because I was being gaslit and told I was the problem).

I really think many of these posters don’t realise that they’d probably behave in exactly the same way if in same situation as posters.

Yes definitely and on the divorce threads. Lots of, "What a silly cow you are, being a sahm. I wouldn't dream of doing that. Now face poverty and don't you dare expect anything else."

Completely disregarding that a couple may have decided a sahp works best for their family or there might have been financial abuse or other controlling behaviour.

Smuggery and judgements about.

Totally agree! Some of the attitudes on here are awful. I don’t know where these people hide because I would be gutted to know someone in real life with some of the views I’ve seen on MN!

I think people should ask that question so people might actually start to stop and think about it. Even worse, it's usually more than one kid. The other day some woman where the husband doesn't even pay for anything. Women need to start having higher standards rather than making out they're some innocent bystander in their own lives

We get recurrent threads like this all the time on mn.

I disagree with most of what you have said. I find many mn threads worrying and sad to read.

The shit that many women put up with, the lack of self esteem, the chronic anxiety, the lack of awareness, the inability to spot red flags. I find it all worrying. Is this really the norm for a lot of women? It would seem to be. How can that be ok? How can you endorse that or want that for yourself or your daughters?

Loads of mn threads where women married for years to workaholic top earners who test them badly.

How long have you been on mn? You sound new. Mn has been around for over 25 years. Stick around. Many of us have been here for 20+ years and there are 1000's of threads that repeat, ad finiem.

Agree with this.

There are some shocking threads on Mumsnet and frankly there are many women in awful situations with no awareness. So people pointing this out to them isn't necessarily smugness. A lot of the time it's concern.

As someone who clawed their way out of what was essentially a sexist, religious cult, I do truly believe that most women can take control of their own lives. Sometimes they might just need help seeing that. I understand that women are often victims but this doesn't mean mollycoddling and sugarcoating reality for them.

Some people are matter of fact because they've also been through shit but come out on the other side. Nothing wrong with wanting that for your fellow woman.

If they’ve not got kids yet, there’s always someone rushing on to say ‘well, I hope you’re not going to have kids with this man!’ surely this is the best possible advice to give someone in a shitty situation, women need to start having higher standards and other women should be helping to highlight this instead of being polite. Instill some standards in your daughters, sisters and neices please. Yes some women do end up with crappy partners, but I'd say in 99% of the cases the signs were there.

Interesting Zombie thread to resurrect.
Had your arse handed to you have you?

You’re proving their point!

or are these remarks ever helpful?

Yes, they can be. Sometimes another's perspective is just what to OP needs. Even if it isn't what they want to hear.

I think of it like this. If I were to walk through a certain area of the place I live in with £1000 cash in one hand and an iPhone in the other, I WILL get robbed, and they will probably have knives, or worse. In that case, the advice I NEED would be to stop doing stupid shit around people who will take advantage of my stupidity. However, the "accepted" mumsnet response would be,

"You go OP, dont let those aggressive, misogynistic bastards tell you what you can and can't do. No is a complete sentence and if those muggers dont want to accept your boundaries that's just tough. Make sure you have your ducks in a row before you confront them, and if they still wont listen then call 101 and have it logged"

Now that's all well and good, but I don't think it's victim blaming to point out that a lot of trouble could be avoided by just not doing stupid shit.

That’s a bit of a random assumption!
I didn’t notice the date. I commented on another related thread and this one was listed at the bottom of the page as a similar thread. I’m assuming MN works the same way for you as it does for the rest of us?

There was a thread yesterday where posters bundled on the OP after she said she was wanting a valentines card from her DH, then all of them acted offended and like they were being persecuted when she said they were being unfair and OTT in their reactions. Tactics and gaslighting you would see in an abusive relationship, which was ironic really.

Not new - been here since 2012.

To be fair to a lot of women, many of them posting ARE realising the behaviour is unacceptable. And it’s easy to say leave him when we’re only hearing the bad stuff and not all the positive times in a relationship. they will be highlighting all the issues they’ve had over the years with a partner, which may actually be a few instances of bad behaviours over a 15 year relationship. It looks obvious written down in black and white. But not so easy to detect when you’re living it.

but most importantly, women aren’t causing the shitty behaviour by ‘putting up with it’ - so where is the blaming of men?

I’d agree with you - I’ve posted on threads telling women to leave and not accept shitty behaviour, but I don’t mock them. You can be firm and supportive.

there are some women where you can see they aren’t the best decision makers, and I despair! But actually- they are in a minority.

im talking about threads where someone has realised their partner is abusive after they’ve got a couple of kids…and it’s full of ‘why did you have kids with this man?…’ ( answer: he wasn’t abusive until after the kids arrived)